Of life, that is!
Or at least that’s how it feels today. I’m just so worn out.
Yesterday was the 4th day in a row that was being beamed to me directly from somewhere beyond Mars. By this, I mean, that I awoke yesterday feeling that I had regained my emotional balance; my delicate mental wiring was somehow back in place. I was looking forward to a productive writing day.
It was not unproductive. I got more done than I’d gotten done in the last several days, but that isn’t really saying a whole lot. I had hoped to have this novel done by the end of the year. At this point, the only way it’ll be done by the end of the year is if someone else takes over the writing of it.
This current novel, which I only anticipate being about 180-200 pages long, was going along at quite a steady clip until I went off to NYC. And then when I came home, I had to focus on the TV pilot, and turn that in, which went great. But then once I was ready to focus on the novel again, I promptly fell in love with somebody.
So then I was caught up in texting deliriously and trying to write a novel at the same time. It wasn’t working out. At all.
And then, suddenly, I have to go to LA and, you know, be of sound mind because there will be witnesses. To my mental state. And then suddenly I’m caught up in this whirlwind of overwhelment of love & confusion and saying, “I have to break this off; it’s not right.” And he was, like, — well, I’m not going to get too private here, but it became 3 days of the kind of texting that nobody wants to do, especially when one of those texting participants is me losing my mind. And then it was like the whole world went splintering off into a million pieces.
Then, back in professional/work mode, I googled myself because I know producers are googling me and I wanted to see what they were going to see – hopefully not some lurid 100% sexually graphic piece of writing of mine from 10 years ago or something like that. But if that indeed was the case (it kind of was, unfortunately) I wanted to be prepared.
When you google me nowadays, you usually get about 1/2 a million links in 44 seconds. Well, yesterday, it was FOUR and a 1/2 million links in 44 seconds. Holy crap. 4,570,00 results. People have been googling the heck out of me. And links from all over the world were popping up. In all kinds of languages. And suddenly I was finding out stuff about myself that I had totally forgotten.
I used to give a lot of interviews – TV, radio, print, and online – and apparently I had the habit of being very candid because there are quotes all over the Internet that are really personal, about me, that are being attributed to me, and apparently I said that stuff because all of it was true. There was some stuff about me out there that was erroneous and not true. But still. I really felt like I was suddenly on the alternate version of Earth, where the past 10-15 years of my career had not yet happened.
It didn’t feel violating at all, just intensely weird. And it totally fucked even more with my stomach because I couldn’t figure out who I was, you know? Who am I? Apparently I used to know every last detail about myself and willingly told it to “the press.”
So I finally took a piece of a little pill in order to calm down, fell dead asleep by, like 8:30pm. Then was awake at 3am and on Instagram, looking at one of Tom Petty’s daughters getting surprised with a birthday cake as she walked into her apartment, fresh from a trip to Paris.
And I thought: as interesting as this seems at 3am in my bed in the dark, why am I knowing this? She’s been alive for 44 years now and I’ve never seen any of her birthday cakes before.
Instagram is so goddamned addicting now that I have my amazing new iPhone that works at warp speed.
But really the only reason I was on Instagram at 3am was because I was wondering why the guy that I had told in an amazingly lush, dense, and indescribably articulate collection of words that it “was over,” was not writing to me.
Yes! I had become that woman! First, in tons of elaborate words that I won’t repeat here, I said: “It’s over.” Then, I said, “Why are you ignoring me now?” Jesus.
But in my defense (which, albeit, is weak), the last thing he had texted to me was “I’ll text you in minute, honey” and then it was 33 hours later and still no reply… On my planet, a minute is 60 seconds. On his planet, apparently a minute is over 33 hours long.
You know that I know darn well I’m out of my mind. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be an oddly “famous” writer barricaded in obscurity in the tiniest town on the planet, hanging out at the cemetery talking to dead people that I never, ever knew, and writing down the things they’re saying to me so that I can put it in my novel!
After Instagram assured me that my direct messages had not been so much as looked at, and after I watched Adria Petty get surprised with her birthday cake about 4 times, I turned over and went back to sleep. And I awoke at 5am thinking I could handle life, possibly. Maybe. Perhaps. And of course I looked directly at my phone, out of habit, and there he was. Twice. And being very polite.
And I was, like: Okay. Thank you. Now I’m gonna attempt to be sane – or at least do a good job of pretending to be. I’m gonna read up on how the “sane” people look and act and I’m just gonna follow their lead. Jesus. The truly unfortunate part of all this is that I’ve been out of my mind my whole fucking life…