I have to say that Halloween means absolutely nothing to me. But if you’re someone who likes to celebrate it, I hope you have a really great night!!
Here, the weather is cold but sunny. We had yet another killer frost all over the ground, the cars, the rooftops — and, yes, my petunias are still alive. They are just amazing, gang. They have almost bloomed themselves out, but they are indeed still alive.
I did get a chance to listen to the Licking Non-Vanilla podcast. Mostly, we talk about erotica — then & now. But if you aren’t interested in erotica, you can tune in just to hear how intense I always fucking am!! About absolutely everything…
It was fun and I will be doing a different podcast with M. Christian soon, on another show. I will keep you posted!
Well, I don’t actually have much to say today. I’m really tired or depressed or something. I’m not sure what. But I still wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. The one and only day that’s perfect for wearing our COVID masks! So have fun.
And if you don’t celebrate, then have a happy Saturday, wherever you are in the world!! Thanks for visiting.
As my lofty post from yesterday indicated, my day started off with a weird tired sort of energy and it just never got better.
And then, quite suddenly — in one of those oh fuck!! kind of head-slapping moments — I remembered I was meeting Kevin, the director of Tell My Bones, for dinner last night!
I was just so tired and so out of sorts. I texted him to see if we were still “on” since the weather was so cold and rainy. And he said “Yes! Definitely!” So…
I washed my hair, put on my eye makeup. Wore something that was actually pretty and not my usual baggy-this and baggy-that, which I hang out in all day when I’m at home. But I was still in a really worn-out frame of mind. And the drive to Lucky Bamboo, where we were meeting for dinner, was 25 miles away, on a dark, rainy, highway, etc.
But once I got to the restaurant and saw Kevin, my whole mood changed. I snapped right out of whatever it was that was weighing me down. And we had a really great time.
Plus, he had a coffee mug made for me, with a painting by Helen LaFrance on it!! I was so thrilled!!
Coffee cup Kevin had made for me.
The painting goes all the way around the cup, but I couldn’t figure out the best way to photograph it.
Anyway, you can maybe see that it is a really bright and cheery mug, with perfect fall colors. Plus, it’s Helen’s art. I was just so delighted.
So, my whole mood shifted, just having someone fun to talk to, and also we talked mostly about how the staged reading of the play is shaping up, so it was just a really great evening.
And then I got home and discovered that the podcast I did with M. Christian and Ralph Greco Jr. was now “live”.
I have NOT had a chance to listen to it yet, gang. But it is posted below. My interview is approx. the first 45 minutes. And I was really, seriously touched by what they had to say on their blog last night:
MJL is the bomb! She was so warm, welcoming, and fun to talk with; Chris and I couldn’t have asked for a bigger star and a nicer guest!
Obviously, it was a really nice perk to end my evening by. And I want to stress again, that we really just ended up chatting. It’s a very informal interview. And I have no real recollection of everything we talked about, but I will find out when I listen to it!!
Oh, and then, as I was posting a photo of my new coffee cup to my Instagram Stories last night, I suddenly saw that George Vjestica had been looking at my Stories. I cannot even imagine why. I have followed him for years on Instagram, but I have no clue why he suddenly was looking at my Stories. I’m guessing he was extremely bored and just scrolling all over Instagram, looking up all the various people who “like” his posts.. (He is the guitar player for Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds.)
So the evening had a much better energy than the rest of the day had.
And today is another dark, rainy, cold autumn day here. I’m guessing the kids around this whole area are a little depressed because I think they had to cancel “trick or treat” last night because of the weather. Here in Crazyesburg, though, they do the “trick or treat” thing on the actual night of Halloween — like you’re supposed to do!! So here in Crazeysburg the kids will probably be happy, since tomorrow, the weather is supposed to be splendid. (Another reason why Crazeysburg is the Land that Time Forgot… It is so traditional here and everyone just seems to be really happy about that.)
All righty. Well. I am going to close this. Get my day started and maybe listen to that podcast — or I might wait until later, when I can actually relax. First thing in the morning is not usually the best time to get my complete attention.
And so, I leave you with my breakfast-listening music from today, another Monkees song. This one has been playing in my head for several mornings running when I first wake up, so I finally stuck it in the CD player today. And it was actually my older brother’s favorite Monkees’ song when we were little. There are a lot of horns on this one — “Listen to the Band” from The Monkees Present (1969). Another one sung and written by band-member Mike Nesmith. Okay! Thanks for visiting, gang. I hope you have a really nice Friday underway, regardless of any weather. I love you guys. See ya!!
“Listen To The Band”
Hey, hey, mercy woman, plays a song and no one listens,
I need help I’m falling again.
Play the drum a little louder,
Tell me I can live without her
If I only listen to the band.
Listen to the band!
Weren’t they good, they made me happy.
I think I can make it alone.
Oh, mercy woman, plays a song and no one listens,
I need help I’m falling again.
Play the drum a little bit louder,
Tell them they can live without her
If they only listen to the band.
Listen to the band!
Now weren’t they good, they made me happy.
I think I can make it alone.
Oh, woman, plays a song and no one listens,
I need help I’m falling again.
C’mon, play the drums just a little bit louder,
Tell us we can live without her
Now that we have listened to the band.
For some reason, the rainy weather seems to have made me really sleepy today. I’m moving at a snail’s pace here. However, the rain is really lovely to look at, since the autumn leaves are now everywhere.
Laundry is now well underway here, and the morning will be spent going over the edits for “Half-Moon Bride,” so that I can get those back to the publisher ASAP. This will be my first time working with this editor so it will be interesting to see the types of changes they suggest making.
I usually just let editors go with whatever they want (within reason, obviously). Writing & reading are just so subjective, and I’d much rather that an editor feel okay about seeing my name in their inbox over time. As an editor myself, over the years you start to really appreciate writers who are receptive and not difficult or too opinionated. And in the long run, a word change here or there, a sentence change — it really doesn’t add up to much if it’s a good story to begin with.
That said, though, if an editor is just really horrible to work with from the start then you absolutely need to get out of your contract. Nothing good is likely to come from that relationship, ever.
Okay! So. First off, due to lockdown restrictions, cinemas in Germany, France, Belgium and Italy have had to close again. The Nick Cave website sent out this link this morning so that you can stay updated about when the film version of Idiot Prayer – Nick Cave Alone at Alexandra Palace will be rescheduled in your region.
Crazeysburg is not at all affected by the lockdown. Currently, the active virus cases here are still at zero. We are, however, affected by the fact that there is no cinema anywhere close to us for about 50 miles… so Idiot Prayer – Nick Cave Alone at Alexandra Palace will not be showing here anytime soon, with or without a virus.
I’ll try to stick this in here so that it won’t get flagged — if you are not accessing a news outlet or a social media platform that is allowing you to keep abreast of Tony Bobulinski, you can always use duck duck go to find out about it. This is a man who is now fearing for his life and the lives of his family. No joke.
All righty!
Back to Nick Cave… He sent out a Red Hand File yesterday that was quite beautiful, about his opinion on the state of the world right now. You can read it at this link here if you so choose!!
Okay, I guess I better scoot, gang. Sorry this is so short. But it feels like everything is just taking forever around here! And the morning is racing by.
Have a lovely Thursday, wherever you are in the world!! I leave you with something lovely to listen to if you, too, have lovely autumn leaves tumbling down where you reside. Nat King Cole, singing “Autumn Leaves.” (Televised, around 1954 or so.) Listen, dream, enjoy. All righty. I love you guys. See ya!
“Autumn Leaves”
The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold
Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I’ll hear old winter’s song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall
C’est une chanson, qui nous ressemble
Toi tu m’aimais et je t’aimais
Nous vivions tous, les deux ensemble
Toi que m’aimais moi qui t’aimais
Mais la vie sépare ceux qui s’aiment
Tout doucement sans faire de bruit
Et la mer efface sur le sable les pas des amants désunis
My erotic novellas, novels, and short stories WILL NOT have pictures of naked women or girls in their underwear on the covers!!
I have literally waited a lifetime for this.
Yesterday, the publisher emailed me a sample of the cover art for “Half-Moon Bride” and I am really, really happy with it. Not only is it pretty, but it actually has SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE STORY!!!
WHEN you read the story, you will see why this is totally a great cover.
Wow. I am just so happy.
Cover art for my new erotic short story, coming in November from Black Lotus Books
And the publisher also said that all of my titles with them are going to have similar covers, in order to get a sort of visual brand for me.
I am really just so happy about that. I can’t tell you how many book covers I’ve had over the years that I have absolutely hated…
I have had a total of four that I’ve actually liked. And that’s four out of many, many dozens of books published here, in Europe and in Japan over a 30-year period. So I really have waited a long. long time for this.
(Although, I have to say that I did always like this one!! The first time Neptune & Surf came out in French-translation in Paris. The cover photo references the middle novella in the book, titled The Mercy Cure.)
Neptune & Surf, Editions Blanche, Paris 2001
Other than that, yesterday was an intense day. That phone call I mentioned I had to make wound up being a sort of “phone call from Hell.” And I really, really try to be patient with people. I really do. I even try to suffer fools gladly, when time allows. But yesterday — well, I kept my opinion to myself, but inside I was Mount Vesuvius exploding. And it was sort of hard to recover a decent morning from that experience of bullish stupidity, but I eventually did and wound up having a totally decent day. And by evening, I was actually back to being in a really good mood and really excited about my upcoming stuff!! (The play, my new books, etc.)
And here is something else that made me so happy!
Three months ago, I ordered a strange little sextoy from an online company that I had seen on Instagram. I was intrigued enough by the post on Instagram, to look up their website on my computer and I saw this strange little — rather expensive — thing. And it was on sale. And it was one of those retail sites that had a “spin the wheel” dial, where if it was your first purchase with them, you spin the wheel to see what your added discount would be if you purchased something right at that moment.
Well, between it being on sale and the huge additional discount I got, I bought the little thing. And was very, very excited. I could not wait to receive it and see what the heck it really did.
And then a few days later, they emailed me to say that my package was on its way!!!!
From fucking Singapore!!
And I was, like — what??!! How did I manage to buy something from a sextoy company clear around the world?? When there are tons of really good ones right here in the United States of America?
So I looked them up on google and there were a lot of US customers claiming the site was a scam. Not a real site, etc. So I thought, oh crap. Not only was it money down the drain, but I was never going to get to try out my little toy and see if it actually did what it claimed it was going to do…
However!!
Yesterday, when I opened my little mailbox, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a rather beat-up little package, sent from clear across the world, 3 months ago…
It had arrived!!! I was so excited!! It was not a scam!!
Right away, I plugged in its USB thingie and began to charge it. It’s red light was blinking merrily, so clearly it was actually going to work!!
However, it is a little bit “hi tech” and most of the instructions are in Chinese so I haven’t figured out yet how to use it. But I feel confident that I will!! Perhaps even later today!!!
But I was just so happy that it actually existed. And now it is mine!
Okay, well. On that happy note…
I’m gonna get the day started here. I hope you are enjoying your Wednesday, wherever you are in the world! Thanks for visiting, gang. I leave you with my post-apocalyptic-phone-call listening-music from yesterday. I hadn’t listened to this album — or song — in a bazillion years, gang. It really did end up calming me down considerably. So I leave you with it today. “Let It Be,” the titular song from The Beatles’ final album, Let It Be (1970) — quite a huge album from my wee bonny girlhood in Cleveland. (And “Mother Mary” is not Jesus’ mother, btw, but Paul McCartney’s mother, Mary, who died when he was a boy. And since I am not a believer in the divinity of Jesus’ mother, I was actually hoping Paul’s mother was visiting me while I was listening to the song… Perhaps she did. I’m not really sure about that. But something calmed me the fuck down.)
Anyway.
So listen, enjoy, calm down, be happy if at all possible. I love you guys. See ya.
“Let It Be”
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer
Let it be
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow
Let it be
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
Kevin, the director of my play, Tell My Bones, sent this image out on Instagram yesterday — a wonderful painting by Helen LaFrance. I’m guessing this is about 30 years old.
I just love her use of color, light, and perspective.
If you click on it, you can get a better idea of her amazing details. And in case you didn’t know, Helen was taught how to paint when she was about 3 years old, by her mother who used berry juice and old-fashioned laundry bluing as paints, and twigs for paint brushes.
Beyond that, Helen was a self-taught artist, with next to no formal schooling. She never used “live” models — she always painted from memory. (She is still alive, but she is 100 years old, paralyzed from a stroke and in a wheel chair.)
Anyway, I just love that painting. And when I saw it yesterday, it reminded me of why I needed to write about her life. I just wanted everyone to see how wonderful her paintings are.
Plus, she didn’t get true acclaim as an artist until she was in her 80s, when Gus Van Sant Sr. saw her paintings, fell in love with them and became her manager.
Okay, well. I hope things are good wherever you are in the world. My world is just barely holding together but I am doing a really good job at staying positive and doing my best to make it through every single day. I know that the fallout from this virus is taking a really heavy toll on a lot of people all over the world, and I hope that a.) you’re not one of them; and b.) if you are, then you are finding ways to hold on until all of this passes.
One thing that actually really helps me disconnect from my urge to panic, is looking at photos of alpacas and baby goats on Instagram. Man, they are cute. Anything to distract me right now, you know? Anything.
But honestly, if I can get through a day feeling better than I did yesterday, not panicking, and knowing for sure the future holds some really great things, then I feel it was a good day.
Having the staged reading of my play coming up, and the new multi-year publishing deal are keeping me going. Not financially (yet), just in terms of my hope for the future.
I think that even little things like that can have a big impact on our frame of mind and our willingness to keep moving forward. So, if you are having any trouble today, just think of even a small reason to have hope for the future and just sort of dwell on it. And things will improve from that starting point, little by little. They really will.
I have nothing new to report here. I’ll say, though, that I met some older women recently who are just remarkable. And they are the kind of women that I always wished my adoptive mother would have been (meaning, a woman who actually wanted to be a mom). I used to make excuses for why my adoptive mother was so abusive — the primary one being that culturally, she was sort of forced to take on the role of motherhood. It was expected of her by her family and by society, even though she regretted adopting children. But now I think of it more along the lines that she should of had the courage to just give us back if she didn’t really want us, rather than abusing us for our whole lives…
Anyway. It is really nice to be around women who love their children and hearing about the harrowing things they went through with raising them, but that love mattered most. And so everyone eventually got through it as a family.
I always, always, always wished for that. But even to be around women like that at my age now, is a sort of emotional vindication for me.
It’s hard to explain. But it means a lot to me.
Okay, on that note, I have to go because I need to make an important and nerve-wracking phone call. Have a really good Tuesday, wherever you are in the world. Don’t try to make sense of things if they seem too horrible; just look at the good that is left and the good that is still coming. It costs nothing and it can actually help. I leave you with my listening music from last night. Yet another Monkees song, but this one is from The Birds, The Bees, and The Monkees, from 1968, “I’ll Be Back Upon My Feet.” It’s super upbeat. So listen and enjoy. And take care of yourselves. Thanks for visiting. I love you guys. See ya!
“I’ll Be Back Upon My Feet”
Girl, I know the grass is greener, just around the bend.
Got to say, “Goodbye!” but don’t you fear.
Though the road is dark and I might fail to find the end
I won’t disappear.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
Chase the moon and sun to find my one and only you.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
Looking high, I’m looking low.
When I find my boots I know I got to go.
Maybe I will be a star, or maybe just a clown.
Girl, I’ll never know until I try.
Maybe I will meet a girl who’ll try to keep me down.
But you don’t have to cry.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
Chase the moon and sun to find my one and only you.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
I’ll be back upon my feet.
Looking high, I’m looking low.
When I find my boots I know I got to go.
I am talking about the tech meeting on Zoom yesterday for the upcoming staged reading of my play, Tell My Bones.
I just kept in the background, off camera, and listened to everybody, since it wasn’t a meeting that needed me to be there, really. Except to answer one question about one of the songs in the opening scene. But it was so exciting for me to see these people who are putting on the reading of my play. And to hear about all the really complicated stuff they are coordinating.
Yesterday, I listed here on the blog all the various tech people involved, but I found out at the meeting that there are an additional four people: one in charge of marketing and social media, and 3 marketing assistants. And that the marketing has already gotten underway. (Wow!!)
So this means, 10 tech people and 11 actors to bring this staged reading to life. (And this is just a reading, not a performance!) That is just really thrilling to me.
There were a couple of things that I found interesting. The main one being that, once the play is written and a director and tech people get onboard, the play becomes theirs, really. Almost a living vehicle that has very little to do with the playwright (which is okay and how it should be, since live theater is a living thing).
Still, I have lived with this play, in its various stages of rewrites, for 8 years now. And suddenly it has taken on an identity that is entirely different — it is so full of life now. It is its own entity. It is really just thrilling to me. (And this isn’t even watching any of the actors yet — all the coordinating that’s happening now is just to get the play ready for the actors to give it even more life.)
The other thing that I found interesting was that, at first, I felt a little “less-than”, watching all these people in this meeting who hold important positions in theater and the execution of it, and they have these amazing higher educations (meaning, at the college level). And while I did go to college as a Theater Major, I didn’t last very long because I hated the college that my parents made me go to. Even though it had a respected Theater Department, I hated the school and I hated the city it was in. But my parents made me go there because they considered me mentally ill, and while I did live at the college, I wasn’t allowed to be too far away from a parent in case I lost my mind again.
(I wish I was being sarcastic and funny here, but I’m not.)
My parents didn’t actually care what I thought I wanted to do with my life because they expected me to meet a wealthy man before college was even over, get married and become a wife. So, watching these people yesterday on the Zoom meeting, it made me wonder what my career could have been like had I been allowed to go to any of the Theater Colleges I’d really wanted to attend, or to even have my parents’ emotional involvement with my life and my dreams.
I dropped out of college after 3 and 1/2 months, and went to California to live for a really short while. But my point is that, at first I felt inferior to the all the tech people with their great NY-theater college educations and their experiences. But then I realized that they were at the Zoom meeting because they’d decided to get involved with a show that I wrote. And I realized that that was really cool, regardless of my lack of education. (I did eventually get an Associate’s Degree in audio engineering in NYC, and then I went to Divinity School later in life and became a minister, so it’s not like I just wasted away or anything.)
And once I realized that I had written the play that gave these amazing people a project to undertake and to make their own, I remembered that when I came back from California, I was working at a factory but also working again as a model. And during one photo shoot, where I was feeling particularly unfulfilled — I was lamenting that I had hated college so much because I had really, really loved the theater. But I didn’t want to act. And I didn’t want to model, either. I hated modeling. It made me feel really stupid but it paid great. What I wanted was to be a playwright and supply people with words to say. To supply people with ideas.
(And it was right after that tedious photo shoot that the primary agent at my modeling agency told me that if I had trouble being treated like a piece of meat, I was in the wrong business…. That was my final modeling job, even though they called back and apologized for saying that to me.)
As a teenager, I had written one play — about gay ballet dancers in Russia in the early 1900s, of all things. But my primary form of writing back then was songwriting. So, really soon after leaving college, I was in NYC and was a singer-songwriter there for many years. But was also just hugely still in love with theater and many of my friends there were in the theater. (And my second husband, in fact, was a professional Shakespearean actor.)
But, anyway, yesterday, during that Zoom meeting, I recalled the one particular modeling job, where I was trying so hard to give the photographer what he wanted, but inside, I was dying a slow death because I felt so unfulfilled, and I really wished I could have stayed in college and become a playwright…
So yesterday afternoon was kind of an amazing feeling for me, gang. It really, really was. I am so grateful to these talented people who seem to really be in love with my play and with being involved in the staged reading of it.
By the way, I am going to try to have the event stream here on my blog, but you can now register to watch it at the main streaming site, FREE, by using this link:
If you aren’t able to watch it in that time zone (USA Eastern Standard Time), it will stream free for a few days on YouTube after the initial event. All righty. I think that is it for today, gang.
I hope you have a great Monday underway, wherever you are in the world. I leave you with something I saw on Instagram very early this morning, that helped me sort of bounce out of bed, which I really needed: Nina Simone, singing a medley from the Broadway Musical Hair, an absolute favorite play from my wee bonny girlhood — “Ain’t Got No/ I Got Life.” (I was listening to her live version, but the studio version is really good, too.) Listen and enjoy and bounce around your kitchen, if you so choose!! Okay, thanks for visiting, gang. I love you guys. See ya!
I am really excited because this afternoon, there is a tech meeting on Zoom regarding the staged reading of my play, Tell My Bones (coming up free online November 22nd).
This is the first time I will be listening in and seeing who all these people are who are bringing this whole thing together. I know the director, of course, but there is a producer, a stage manager, an assistant stage manager, an assistant to the director, a musical director, and a person who manages and coordinates the streaming platform we’re using — called StreamYard. (All of the tech people are based in NY.)
So, that’s a lot of people on board, and it doesn’t even count the eleven actors, of whom I only know Sandra.
It is just all really, really exciting to me, gang. I’m trying to focus on that and not on the state of the virus– although, I am still really grateful that here in Muskingum County we only have one new active case. The statistics were released Friday and while it still makes me really happy, I still find it so hard to believe the county has been relatively unscathed by the pandemic. (Well, in terms of human lives, not in terms of what it’s costing everyone financially & spiritually.)
Well, yesterday wound up being mostly about me laying around in bed, sleeping a lot — stemming from stuff related to the fall I took the other day. But later in the afternoon, I got a lot of housecleaning done downstairs, so that felt really good. So much dust everywhere from having all those windows open for 6 months. And as I was cleaning, I was kind of hoping that my birth mom will come back to visit for Christmas (the last time I really dusted!!), but I’m guessing everything has to be played by ear now because of the virus.
[Flashback to last Christmas with my birth mom, who is a patient and diligent Christmas decorator!!]
The trees, decorated!
I don’t really have much else to say today. I need to get stuff ready for a phone chat with the director before the Zoom meeting. So I’m gonna scoot & get more coffee.
I hope you’re all having a great Sunday, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting, gang. I leave you with my breakfast-listening music from this morning — still listening to Hard Promises here — Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, 1981. Here’s another really great one from that album, “A Thing About You.” And I mean it with all my heart!!! So, cast your memory back to 1981! Turn it up loud and enjoy. I love you guys. See ya!
“A Thing About You”
I’m not much on mystery
Yeah you gotta be careful what you dream
I thought this might pass with time
Yeah I thought I was satisfied
[Chorus:]
But oh baby let me tell you, I got a thing about you
Baby let me tell you, I got a thing about you
It don’t matter what you say
It don’t matter what you do
I, I, I, got a thing about you
Somewhere deep in the middle of the night
Lovers hold each other tight
Whisper in their anxious ears
Words of love that disappear
[Chorus]
Baby you hold some strange control over me
Yeah it’s so wild it hypnotizes me
The good news is that the official publishing contract for 1954 Powder Blue Pickup came through during the night, so it is now signed and returned!!! I am just super excited about that, gang. I really love that crazy little book.
It is filthy as hell, with a minimal story arc — although it does have a couple of character arcs, so that’s pretty cool! But seriously, I absolutely love that book. And even if I hadn’t written it, I would read it and think, Wow, this is the best book I’ve ever read!! And then I’d wonder, Wow, who wrote this amazing book? And then I’d get on Kickstarter and start a fundraiser to make a documentary film all about the obscure writer of 1954 Powder Blue Pickup, the best book ever written.
You know, this is kind of interesting. Many years ago, I wrote an erotic short story, published by an underground zine in San Fransisco, and it was loosely based on a boy I used to babysit when I was 16, who had a serious crush on me. And he was like the horniest little kid, ever. Which presented a serious challenge to me because I am absolutely 100% not a pedophile. And even at age 16, I was extremely maternal.
The last I had heard about him, back in the 1980s after I moved to NYC, was that he had joined the Navy and I remember thinking how odd it was that they allowed 10-year-old boys to join the Navy — because I simply could not believe he was already old enough to join the Navy. But the story I wound up writing stemmed more from that thought that he actually was old enough to be in the Navy.
Anyway, I found out a couple weeks ago that he is still alive, and still lives in Ohio, although he lives up in Cleveland now — AND — he’s a really powerful State Supreme Court Judge. I found that really just astounding and really kind of amusing. Remembering what he was like as an indescribably horny 10-year-old.
Ah well. Life does indeed go on. But I saw a photo of him and he has all this grey hair now, but he looks really kind and compassionate. Like he is probably a very good Judge.
Well, my dinner last night with Kevin did not happen because the worst storm imaginable suddenly blew in out of nowhere. Torrential rain, thunder, lightning, and really strong winds. The wind was blowing everything, everywhere. So we postponed the dinner, which disappointed me because I really wanted an update on my play, plus he has those promotional postcards ready for me to start sending out. But the cool news is that I saw 3 rainbows while the storm was in the process of passing over.
Literally, 3 rainbows. And I have not seen a rainbow since I was about 9 years old. It was so cool.
And my other friend Kevin is supposed to fly back from Montana today, although he isn’t planning on staying in Ohio for very long. So I’m not sure when he’s planning to come out here and get his 1965 VW camper van from out of my barn. But whenever he does make it out here, I know he will be impressed with the barn’s new roof, and the new barn door! Plus, it will be really nice to see him.
Well, that’s kind of it around here today, gang. I’ve had sort of an odd morning here. As usual, I’ve been up and out of bed since 4am, but for the most part, I sat on my bed in the dark, drank my coffee and stared out the window at the wind blowing the branches of the maple tree outside my window. Even with that terrible wind last evening, most of its leaves are still on the branches. So it was sort of hauntingly beautiful to look at.
And while I sat and stared, I listened to “Insider” by Tom Petty (with a supporting vocal by Stevie Nicks, 1981), over and over. I’m not a huge Stevie Nicks fan at all, but I do love how she sounded when she sang with Tom Petty.
Anyway, I listened to that for quite a long time and I grappled with reality — but mostly the reality that other people consider “reality,” not necessarily the reality that I call reality. And I guarantee you, those are two distinctly parallel lines that will never meet. So I either go crazy trying to see the world the way other people see it, or just mind my own business and keep to myself and let life happen and just sit here and write and go less crazy. Even though that version is extremely lonely.
So it’s a weird morning here. But I do hope to spend some time focusing on “Novitiate” (the new erotic short story in progress) and maybe even making some good progress with that. We shall see.
Meanwhile, have a nice Saturday, wherever you are in the world, gang. Thanks for visiting. I leave you with my sitting-in-the-dark-drinking-coffee-and-staring-out-at-the-tree music from this morning, in those wee hours before dawn! Listen, ponder, enjoy!! I love you guys. See ya.
“Insider”
You’ve got a dangerous background
And everything you’ve dreamed of
Yeah you’re the Dark Angel
It don’t show when you break up
and I’m the one who ought to know
I’m the one left in the dust
Yeah I’m the broken-hearted fool
Who was never quite enough
[Chorus:]
I’m an insider, I been burned by the fire
And I’ve had to live with some hard promises
I’ve crawled through the briars — I’m an insider
It’s a circle of deception
It’s a hall of strangers
It’s a cage without a key
You can feel the danger
And I’m the one who ought to know
I’m the one you couldn’t trust
I’m the lonely silent one
I’m the one left in the dust
[Chorus]
I’ll bet you’re his masterpiece
I’ll bet you’re his self-control
Yeah you’ll become his legacy
His quiet world of white and gold
And I’m the one who ought to know
I’m the one you left to rust
Not one of your twisted friends
I’m the one you couldn’t love
Today is the 4th anniversary of Bunny’s passing — she was such a sweet cat. I swear that I still miss her every day.
I went looking for some old photos of her to post to the blog, and I serendipitously (which I don’t think is actually a word) discovered a bunch of photos that I forgot I had.
So it’s Memory Day again, here in Marilyn’s Room!!
First of all, I found a wonderful photo of Paul at Christmas, 1996. Paul was my best friend who died, whom I blogged about yesterday.
Paul at Christmas, 1996
He was already really sick here, but you can see that even while he was dying, he was just such a good-natured human being.
Here are two photos of Bunny right after I rescued her and her brother, Buster, from a NYC cat shelter in Times Square. They were a few months old already when I adopted them. Bunny is the larger cat, Buster, was the grey and white cat. I loved both of them so much, it was almost unbelievable.
Bunny and Buster on the dining room table on West End Avenue, NYC.
Wayne was not happy that I adopted two cats to replace Kitty after she died. But the rescue place wanted me to have this brother & sister pair, even though I had gone in to adopt a different cat. They insisted that I have these two instead and they wound up being such a joy to me.
Buster & Bunny in the nursery.
When Wayne and I thought we were having a baby, we decorated the nursery. But no babies came, so it eventually turned into my office. So my office on West End Avenue was half-nursery. This is right after Bunny & Buster were adopted.
Our house from 1964-1966
I could not believe I found this photo!! This is the house my family lived in from 1964-1966, in Cleveland. I took the photo decades after we lived there, but this was our house! I have so many memories from this house. I could write an entire book just about that. I found out years later that both of my parents disliked this house, but my dad bought it because it was really close to the school — just down the block. And both me and my older brother started school when we lived here.
The house Mikey Rivera and I lived in together.
I did not even remember that I had this photo!! Mikey Rivera and I were going to buy this house in Easton, Pennsylvania. It was owned by a priest who rented it out. We were “renting to own” when my mom got sick and we wound up moving back to Ohio. We lived in it for 6 months.
My office in that house.
This was my office in that house. The house was really old — well over 100 years old. I edited a couple of anthologies in this office and wrote a few short stories, but didn’t live there long enough to write much more than that.
My office in the apartment in Pennsylvania.
This was my “office” in the apartment Mikey & I rented when we left NYC together, before we moved into that house above. We rented a small one-bedroom apartment in an old Victorian house that was on the Delaware River in Pennsylvania, in the foothills of the Pocono Mountains. We were less than 2 hours from NYC, so it was an ideal location. I could easily go back & forth to Manhattan to meet with publishers and other writers, etc., and Mikey could go visit his son, who was only about 6 years old (!!) at the time. (He’s now well out of college…).
My “office” was in a corner of the living room. He and I lived there for 3 years. I wrote 3 novels in that little corner — including Freak Parade, which I wrote about Mikey Rivera. I also wrote three novellas and many, many short stories in that little corner. I also edited 4 fiction anthologies. All in that little corner. I was extremely creative there.
Naturally, Mikey and I shared the tiny apartment with Buster & Bunny! And according to my lease, I was only allowed to have one cat. So we always had to hide Buster from the landlord. Luckily, the two cats looked enough alike, that if one would sit in the front window, you couldn’t really tell if it was a different cat. The only problem was to never let both cats sit in the front window at the same time. The landlord only lived a couple blocks away, so I was constantly worrying that he was going to see both cats at the same time. Luckily, my little desk was not far from the window, because I mean it was a constant chore to keep both of them out of that window at the same time. (It was a beautiful bay window, looking out over the river.)
Okay! That’s my little trip down Memory Lane for today.
Well, the podcast recording went very well yesterday, although I barely even mentioned The Guitar Hero Goes Home! We talked about a bunch of other stuff, instead. Mostly the state of the erotica publishing industry now compared with its heyday, when we all first met. (Me, M. Christian, and Ralph Greco, Jr.) I will let you know when you can listen to it on YouTube.
And today, I am feeling better all the way around. The bruise on my thigh is a hideous mass of vibrant colors now, but almost all the pain is completely gone. And this evening, I’m meeting Kevin, the director of my play, for dinner, so I’m really looking forward to a chance to get out and socialize again. Yay!! And we’ll be discussing all the things that are going on with my play, so I’m very eager to hear about all that.
Nick Cave’s official web site sent out an email this morning, announcing the screening dates for the extended film version of Idiot Prayer – Nick Cave Alone at Alexandra Palace. To purchase tickets, you can locate your area here. (I think. I might have just given you the link that says you can’t yet buy tickets to see the film in Crazeysburg, but I’ve been assured the film is coming here soon!) (Just kidding, of course. Nothing comes to Crazeysburg!!)
Okay, that’s it!! Have a terrific Friday, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting, gang. I leave you with “Euthanasia,” the new song by Nick Cave, which is in that film mentioned above. Enjoy. I love you guys. See ya!
First, I want to say once again that I love Instagram. I really do. The degree to which I despise Facebook is the degree to which I love Instagram. And beyond.
People — total strangers — on Instagram are so kind. The same young man who has that page that quoted Neptune & Surf the other day, sent me a meditation download early this morning because I’d had a terrible night — mostly because of pain in my leg where I fell the other day, but also just stress. And this afternoon, I’m being interviewed on one of M. Christian’s podcasts, and we’ll mostly be talking about The Guitar Hero Goes Home.
And all the pain and lack of sleep and stress left me feeling remarkably brain dead. And not in the best shape for an interview.
So the guy (he’s very private so I won’t say too much about him), sent me this wonderful MP3 file to help me meditate and get in better mental shape for the interview. It meant so much to me, you know. He is always so kind to me, and I’m easily old enough to be his grandmother (okay, well, maybe a really young, youthful, incredibly vibrant grandmother with a seriously bruised thigh…).
And we’ll probably never, ever even meet because he lives far, far away. In the Middle East, in a country where American Jews (by birth, anyway — I don’t practice it anymore) are not likely to ever travel to anymore. Ever. Such is politics.
Anyway, his constant kindness means a lot to me. Especially on this particular morning, which is the anniversary of my friend Paul’s death. 21 years ago today. I miss him so much. He was my best-est friend in the whole entire world, from age 17 on. He was always there for me, always had my back, never ever once fucked with my head or played any fucked up games with me. And he was also the first in line to let me know when he thought I was going down a bad road, or making a bad decision, or being bitchy. He was always just totally honest with me.
And he was so fucking funny. I miss all of it, so much. There is no one in my life who has come close to taking his place.
When we first found out that he was dying, I began spiraling downward immediately and didn’t come out of it for years. It took him 7 years to actually die. He deteriorated slowly. But I started in with bourbon immediately. Bourbon in my coffee in the morning, bourbon in the afternoon, cocktails at night. And I started smoking with a vengeance, too. And I hardly ate. And I lost a ton of weight, even though I wasn’t overweight when I started. But I only behaved that way when he wasn’t around. If he was around, I tried to act like I was totally brave, you know?
He lived in a beach house on Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina. And toward the end of his life, he and I walked along the beach one winter morning, and he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay when he was gone.
Of course, I lied. I wanted him to feel okay about dying. But I knew I was never going to be all right.
Well, I take care of myself. I survive. I go on. I create, etc., etc. But in all honesty, it has never been the same.
And this is not the frame of mind I want to be in before an interview you know?? I don’t want to go on record saying that life sucks…
So I am trying to get myself together here today.
Well. Blixa Bargeld released a video discussing his upcoming writing plans. You can watch it on his web site. Or here:
And you can also support his many projects by being a contributing supporter. (€10 a month.)
Also, Nick Cave sent out a Red Hand File today, wherein he discusses catastrophe, suffering, the pandemic, creativity, life on Earth and trying to survive it. (I am greatly paraphrasing. You can read it for yourself here, though. It was quite sobering.)
Okay, so. I need to go over some extensive notes Peitor sent me from West Hollywood yesterday, as we get ever closer to resuming production/writing for Abstract Absurdity Productions. And after the interview for the podcast (it’s being pre-recorded — when it is available to download I will let you know!!), I will focus on trying to make some significant headway with “Novitiate.” (My new erotic short story, in progress.)
And I really, really hope I can salvage this weird, weird morning. (Plus, I am once again trying to come to terms with a decision I have to make — that is only going to break my own heart. But I feel like it’s the right thing to do. But it is hard enough to keep the color in my world as it is. But onward…)
Okay. Have a really good Thursday, wherever you are and with whatever you might be grappling with out there in the world. I leave you with the song that helped me survive yesterday. (I take it one day at a time, most days.) Even though it made me miss everybody who has passed away, including Tom Petty, it still helped. “Keeping Me Alive” (1982), from off of his posthumous An American Treasure album (2018). He is so full of life here. All of it was still ahead of him. So enjoy. All righty. Thanks for visiting. I love you guys. See ya.
“Keeping Me Alive”
They said love was a thing of the past
That these days nothing ever lasts
This old world is moving too fast
Well sometimes we ride around
She plays her radio up loud
If I was sad, well, I’m happy now
And it feels so good to know
I got you where you belong
Here in my heart, right by my side
Honey you’re getting me by
Yeah you’re keeping me alive
I got a job, I work hard
These days the money don’t go very far
It’s hard enough keeping gas in the car
But sometimes we ride around
She plays the radio up load
If I was sad, well, I’m happy now
Yeah and it feels so good to know
I got you where you belong
Here in my heart, right by my side
Honey you’re getting me by
Yeah you’re keeping me alive
And it feels so good to know
I got you where you belong
Here in my heart, right by my side
Honey you’re getting me by
Yeah you’re keeping me alive
Yeah you’re keeping me alive
Yeah you’re keeping me alive
Marilyn's Room 