To Find Dory or Not, That is the (non-Disney) Question!

If you went looking for that post from last night that had a photo of the night & the streetlight, etc., I moved that to Instagram. The photo is down there at the “Instagram” feed. (Unless you view these posts on your phone – I don’t know if the Instagram feed shows up on the phone layout.)

Anyway.

A new morning. I had a weird night.

I fought off the demons of depression and, by morning, I believe I won.

I’m one of those people who believes that all the probable realities of Life play out simultaneously and that we sort of “tune in” to one of those probabilities and then live it and call it our “life.” But that we can also sort of “tune in” to other probable versions of ourselves and the other probable choices we made and benefit from them while still being on our own unique conscious path.

(Yes, you’re right. These beliefs went over really well in Divinity School. I wasn’t even allowed to talk about them. You seriously had to tow the accepted Jesus line there & not deconstruct him in any way. Once, I lost 5 points in my final grade for my “Discipleship that Transforms” class (that I was getting a 4-point in) because the professor found out that, at that point in my life, I was attending a church that practiced gay marriages. And it wasn’t even an offbeat church, or anything. It was United Church of Christ, recognized the world over as an actual church. ) (I have since stopped attending all churches because it was painfully obvious I needed my own church and no one was going to give me one, mainly because they didn’t want me collecting any followers.) (I’m not sure Jesus wants that, either, but I’m not 100% clear on that.)

I digress. But I certainly don’t need to be the Lone Preacher, dressed in black, out there preaching weird shit to strangers and having people look at me funny.

I can wear any color I want and not preach anything at all, and get the same result.

Okay. I still digress.

Lately, I’ve been keeping a journal specifically for conversations with my Higher Self.  (And now I’m laughing because that word “conversations” makes me think of God/Nick Cave, but it isn’t anything like that.) (And no, by that “slash” mark,  I’m not suggesting that I now believe that God and Nick Cave are the same entity. Although I could probably have an indescribably successful church the world over if I did believe that, or pretended to, and then practiced it and took your money for allowing you to follow me.)

OKAY!! I yet again digress.

I have a few really deeply ingrained thought-habits that I really want to change. Things that have been a part of me since I was a little girl, having to do with feelings of worthlessness & futility; things instilled in me early on by my adoptive parents because, for the most part, they wanted me to disappear.  They wanted a little girl (pictured above, btw) to fit a specific pattern that they’d had in mind and I was way left of center of that pattern, even at a really, really young age.

For a while, my adoptive dad tried to just go with it and let me be whoever I was (he eventually changed his mind about that and went through various phases of disowning me). I remember one afternoon, though, when I was about 12, my dad came into my bedroom just to see what I was up to.

HE: “How come you’re always holed up in your room like this? It’s summertime. You should go outside.”

ME: “I’m playing my guitar.”

And I was surrounded by stacks of paper – songs I had written – and he looked at one of them.

HE: “Did you write all of these?” He was just dumbfounded. After that, he let me just hang out, holed up in my room alone, to write & play my guitar. (And then he left us the following year…)

My adoptive family enjoyed certain types of music a lot. When I was first adopted, my dad was an accountant for Columbia Records and I grew up with so much music in the house but the family members, themselves, weren’t exactly musical. Whereas, music was everything to me. Literally. It was my heartbeat.

I sometimes believe that Elvis Presley is literally my heartbeat. Because when my birth mom was pregnant with me, she sat alone in her room and listened to Elvis Presley records all the time.  She was 12 at this point.

I do believe that about Elvis and my heartbeat, on one level. But I also just believe I’m musical, in general.

My adoptive mother, on the other hand, was merciless when it came to my being different from what she was expecting or wanting.  My childhood, up until I left home at 18, was pretty much all about living in terror and trying to figure out how to survive her.

I can’t go into all of that now but it is sufficient to say that it instilled in me an understanding of my “worthlessness” and the futility of my being here.

On intellectual levels, I don’t believe this. But on deep levels of my psyche, I do.  And I’d like to not feel that way anymore. So I decided to keep a handwritten journal to see if my Inner Being – the true Essence of me, of the created physical me, regardless of any probable selves – could sort of talk to me and give me some sort of strategy for undoing all this damage.

The results have been kind of incredible. I won’t go into all of it on the blog, but the primary thing that has come to light for me, that became immediately empowering and has helped me redirect my own thinking about myself, is an understanding of my “birth self.” A version of me that is still inside me, that my adoptive family, for whatever convoluted reasons, tried to negate, deny, even to destroy.

And her name was Dory. My birth name. The name my birth mother gave me.

When I’m “journaling” I’m not consciously aware of what I’m writing. I only write about 3 or 4 pages each morning, but it just comes out and then when I read back over it, I am amazed by the words I’ve written there. And the primary advice from my Inner Being is for me to relate less to “Marilyn” and all that psychological baggage and to reconnect with the energy of Dory.

When I was created (meaning the moment I was conceived and before I was actually born), my mom was 12 and my dad was 14. “Dory” was created at that moment in time in a spirit of “wild youthful rebellion” (my mom) and “joy & adventure & fearlessness” (my dad). (I’m quoting from the journal.) Dory was created from, and still embodies, those energies.

As “Marilyn” those are the energies I tap into and create from – and I could see that this was true about my work, my writing, you know? It was so interesting.

The journal is not advising that I create a split-personality for myself or anything; just that I tap into that probable version of Dory who was not adopted and who stayed within the influence of the teenagers (my parents) that created me.

It has been just so interesting. When I find myself inching toward one of those thought-habits that I know is destructive to me, I stop and think, How would Dory react to this?

And the answer is always: She’d be full of wild, youthful rebellion and joy and adventure and fearlessness.

And, wow, does it change everything. Everything immediately looks & feels different; everything just feels so much more fun, too. You know, like: Just do it! It’s just life.

And everything inside me that usually wants to shut down, opens up instead.

All right. I gotta get to the bank because the lawn guys just texted and are arriving momentarily!! They seem to work harder and more effectively when they get paid!

Breakfast-listening music this morning was sweet.  Thanks for visiting, gang.  Have a terrific Tuesday, wherever you are in the world. I love you guys. See ya!

“Everyday”

Everyday, it’s a-gettin’ closer
Goin’ faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey heyEveryday, it’s a-gettin’ faster
Everyone said, “Go ahead and ask her”
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey heyEveryday seems a little longer
Every way, love’s a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it’s a-gettin’ closer
Goin’ faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey hey

Everyday seems a little longer
Every way, love’s a little stronger
Come what may, do you ever long for
True love from me?

Everyday, it’s a-gettin’ closer
Goin’ faster than a roller coaster
Love like yours will surely come my way
A-hey, a-hey hey
Love like yours will surely come my way

c- 1958 BUDDY HOLLY, NORMAN PETTY

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