Yep, I Gotta Be Me!

Yep, that’s me at the hootenanny last night!

Do people still even use the word ‘hootenanny’? Don’t answer that, because I really don’t need to know exactly how old I am…

Things here are just sort of ridiculous, regarding me and more of my bills. It’s almost like two parallel planets are happening here. This morning, I awoke thinking about it and was beginning to consider that perhaps I have some sort of split-personality thing going on — you know, the part of me that takes care of paying the bills  has completely dissociated from the other me that I generally think of as “me.” (I’m just kidding — although I did, for a moment, consider this morning that it could be true.)

But I’m still trying to take care of the glaringly insane thing I did the other day (involving me losing track of about two weeks worth of November and so I screwed up a couple of huge things). And then in yesterday’s mail, the 4th letter from my healthcare providers arrived, indicating that I am still 2 months behind and I am still under the impression that this is completely impossible, because they are supposed to auto-deduct every month and it seems as though they are doing that, based on my statements. But every time I call them I get the voicemail thing, and since it was still the holiday weekend yesterday, no one would answer the phone at all.

I hate all this weird kind of stuff. I seriously do. Bills going awry, and all that weird cancer stuff coming into my world by mistake.

I’m the kind of person who needs the foundation of my world to be completely in order, because  you know, the rest of my world is sort of in the realm of the highly imaginative and intangible. So I need the basic things to be on track and to make sense and to not throw me in any way. Because it is so easy for me to start to doubt my sanity.

Another reason why having a keeper (and a handyman) would be just a really great idea!

And yet, weirdly…

I was talking to this young woman two days ago — I don’t actually really know her, but she wanted my advice about how I manage to be a woman and live on my own and stuff. (She still lives at home and is, basically, afraid to go out into the world.) I won’t go into all of it because it’s private to her, but I wound up telling her that she simply has to leave home, go out into the world and find out what she is capable of. That’s the only way.

And privately I wondered what all these total strangers here are thinking about me when they consider me here alone in this town, alone in this sort of big house (by the standards of the town, that is) — and we have already well established here on the blog that I have a very grown-up car now, too.  It just struck me as so weird, because I really do honestly feel about 12 years old. So I have no clue how to answer questions like that. You know: “Just go out and fucking do it. Try — see what happens.”

That kind of describes my entire life right there. I just go out and do it; I try. I see what happens. I end up needing a keeper and a handyman, neither of which I will be getting anytime soon, but I just keep trying.

It gets tiring sometimes — to be honest. I see my female friends unhappy in their marriages or long-term relationships, yet staying in them because they can’t imagine surviving in the world on one income, with no one to help manage things for them. Seriously. To me, that’s like the Dark Ages type of thinking. And I don’t know that it’s very fair to the man, either– that you’re privately only staying with him for his income and because you need help. But perhaps the guy is staying for similar reasons. Obviously, I don’t know. And I don’t really want to judge, so I don’t say anything.

But inwardly, I just marvel at that kind of thinking. It’s your life you’re talking about, and it flies by so fast. Don’t you want to spend as much of it as you can feeling happy?

I left 2 husbands (and I didn’t do it cavalierly; the decisions were really difficult and heart-wrenching) and I went back out into the world and started with nothing again. And both of my ex-husbands were extremely unhappy with my decision but now they each are in really loving, happy relationships, and having good lives, and I’m really happy with my autonomy. I get lonely, but overall, I’m happy, too. And I’m still friends with both of them.

So I just don’t know.  My god, it really just flies right by.  Why wouldn’t you want to at least get out there and try?

Okay, well. Today I’m going to TRY to not worry about the insanity of my bill-paying techniques, and just sally forth into this wonderful (gray, rainy, cold) Saturday! I’m so excited about Christmas this year. About decorating the house and being with Cherie (my birth mom)! I just can’t wait.

I did get a stern talking-to from Kara yesterday, though. She told me to stop putting any of my new writing online (meaning here on the blog, or over at the Shadow of Narcissa site) and just focus on finishing stuff and getting it published the regular way so that I can get paid… I see her point, but still. My blog is my little world! Well, anyway.

The main point is that I have to complete some of these projects and get them off my desk and out into the world. So I’m gonna scoot and get going with that!

Have a super Saturday, wherever you are!! Thanks for visiting. I leave you with a song I haven’t thought of in a long time, but I used to love this song as a wee bonny lass and I would sometimes lie in my bed at night and sing it at the top of my voice and it made my brother absolutely insane. (I didn’t do it to make him insane, I sang it because I loved the song!) (Lyrics are in the video.) Okay, gang! I love you guys. See ya.

 

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