In keeping with my customary obsessive behavior — I ate breakfast this morning while taking down all the Christmas stuff and at least centering it all on the dining room table, for now. And I did 2 loads of laundry — Christmas table cloths, Christmas dish towels, Christmas throw-rugs, and Christmas fleece throws, etc., etc.
At least now it’s all in one place in the dining room. I just have to lug a bunch of (empty) boxes out of the storage closet again and drag them all downstairs. Fill them and drag them all back up.
Not sure if I’ll do that part today, or not, but I feel like I was already quite industrious! If I were a bonafide Protestant, I would praise my Protestant work ethic. However, what I really am is obsessive about getting Christmas put away the moment the New Year arrives. I start to feel guilty if Christmas is still visible by, like, January 4th at the latest.
So, last night! I was home by 10:22pm. (Aren’t digital clocks great? Assuming your clock runs on time, you know where you are to the exact minute — I was walking in the door last night at 10:22.)
I wanted to just sit alone at my kitchen table and ring in the New Year with Perry Mason. And just be sort of quiet and cozy and contemplative. However, Perry Mason is quite suddenly no longer streaming for free and you have to buy a subscription from CBS. And even though it’s stupidly cheap — or, I should say, “affordable” — I have seen every single one of these episodes a million times. I know them all by heart. I know who did each murder and why and I know how Perry finds out who did it. So do I really need a reason (i.e., a paid subscription) to keep my quite comely behind planted at my kitchen table, watching this stuff??!!
Sadly, the answer I was forced to come to last night was “no.” Because, as obsessive as I am about sitting at my desk unendingly, I am that much more obsessive about watching old re-runs of Perry Mason. I truly am. It’s like an addiction to me — that show. And if I were paying for it then I would actually feel obligated to watch it. Yes, I would feel obligated to my addiction. And so by 10:33pm, I said aloud, “Fuck this. I’m not paying for this.” And all my grand plans for the rest of New Year’s Eve were instantly dashed.
I was actually pretty tired — sort of an intellectual ennui. Nothing else I tried to watch appealed to me at all. And I didn’t feel like listening to any more music. So by 11:56pm, I was in bed, with the lights out and I fell instantly to sleep. Isn’t that weird? That I could not remain awake for 4 more minutes? But I couldn’t; I was dead tired. And then I was suddenly lurched awake by 2 of the cats screaming at each other, which is always a delightfully terrifying sound when you’ve been dead asleep, and I looked at my phone and it was 12:03am.
So, you know, I was sort of awake to ring in 2020. Thanks to the cats.
It’s funny to think that, when I was married to my first husband, I lived in the Theater District, a block away from Times Square, and could readily hear the roar of the crowds that filled the night when the ball dropped. And then when I lived in the East Village, I could readily hear fireworks going off and intensely inebriated people reveling and cheering at the stroke of midnight. Now I hear cats screaming at each other.
But the reason they were screaming is actually kind of cute: they were fighting about who gets to be the one to sleep on the little fleece blanket under the lighted Christmas tree. (Well, that has come to an end, as all good things must. For now.)
After I did all my obsessive tidying early this morning, I went back to bed to read the issue of Another Man that came months ago. I am so behind on magazines, it’s ridiculous. But I don’t want to throw them out until I’ve read them, you know? I only subscribe to magazines that I actually like, so I want to, you know, read them. I have about 6 issues of Mojo that I haven’t read yet. I have 4 issues of Biblical Archeology Review, about 20 bazillion issues of The Hollywood Reporter (I gave up on those this morning, though, and tossed them all in the trash), and one lone issue of Another Man because, thankfully, it only comes out, like, once a year; sometimes twice.
Anyway, the magazine is just a colossally huge amount of glossy ads for men’s haute couture (yes, I do love looking at men), but then tucked at the back of the magazine (which weighs something like 5 pounds), are these really cool articles and interviews. Really. So I like reading those.
So that’s what I did, in bed, with my coffee. And then I thought about the upcoming year and wondered what I was going to write in 2020. And then I wondered what I would write today, if anything. And then I thought fleetingly about this current manipulative stuff going on in (what’s left of) my adoptive family and whether or not I was going to actually try to deal with it, or just ignore it indefinitely and eternally and maybe just carve out a new path for myself and the remainder of my life.
I’m leaning more toward that new path for the remainder of my life, but I’m not 100% sure yet. I want to make sure I have clarity on what’s motivating me. I don’t know how it is for you, but the moment I get true clarity on something, I know it, and then my decision is made and I can stick by it for the rest of my life. I know that it looks to others like I’m being stubborn, but what I get is clarity and then I don’t see any reason to look back. Because of that, though, I always want to make sure I’m truly clear about what I’m feeling and why.
So that’s going to be part of today: What am I feeling and why?
Also, my 2020 horoscope over at cainer.com is kind of amazing. He says that this year is going to be positively transformational for me because I am going to learn how to be interdependent and rely on someone else’s help and support — a thing I am notoriously incapable of doing. I am “mono-dependent” to a fault. So that is quite interesting. I guess we’re gonna find out how that’s gonna go.
Meanwhile, I hope that this first day of a new decade is a good one for you, wherever you are in the world and whatever it is you might be facing. I hope you get clarity.
Thanks for visiting, gang. I leave you with just a quiet blank space for contemplating whatever it is you feel like contemplating today!! Okay. I love you guys. See ya!