Because yesterday fucking sucked.
I’m guessing the full moon had a lot to do with it. And I had awoken in such a great mood yesterday, but then it was all down hill after that.
I’m not the type of writer who posts negative criticism of the work of other writers. If someone comes to me and wants my honest opinion as an editor, or if I’m teaching a student or something like that, I’m always honest about what I really think. And I try to be as helpful about it as I can be. But if it’s just my opinion on another writer’s work and it’s negative, then it’s just my opinion and I keep it to myself.
I will say, though, that when I expect amazing work out of a writer because I want to feel that thrill you get when someone’s work really inspires you, really moves you, and even makes you want to live a better life — and then you get the opposite. It is so disappointing to me, gang. It’s like waking up on Christmas morning and not only do you have no presents waiting for you, but someone stole your tree during the night, too. Just amazing disappointment for me.
Especially when writers just want to give you their anger about life, without sublimating it somehow.
I have plenty of reasons to be angry about my own life, but finding the underlying reasons to still be joyful is what sublimates my whole approach to staying alive. Leaving that part out, in my opinion, makes art meaningless to people who aren’t you — meaning, the readers.
By the end of the day yesterday, I was so disgusted with everything and was really having a lot of questions about my own work, that I couldn’t write anything new.
So I gave up and went downstairs and then I streamed the Joker movie (2019) on Amazon, because, oddly enough, that movie calms me down. Even while it’s nothing at all like Heath Ledger’s Joker in The Dark Knight (2008), which was just a phenomenal film, there’s something about this new Joker that actually feels like real life to me.
I don’t want to end up killing people. I honestly don’t. And I really don’t see it happening if I haven’t resorted to killing people by now, you know? But I totally relate to what it feels like to have pain upon pain upon pain just heaped on to you, for years; and struggling with mental illness on top of it — and then that’s supposed to be your “life.” And then, after running around helplessly in that dead-end maze, you come to a horrific understanding about your mother, on top of it all.
People can suck big time, without ever having a clue how hard you keep trying — or even just keep trying hard to smile, right?
Totally the Joker.
I try to work my issues out with people by being a writer, obviously. (And by living as far away from humanity as I can possibly get these days, and only “showing up” in the world when I feel completely ready for it.) But there’s something really psychologically comforting to me when Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker takes a whole other approach. And I also love that so much of society ends up being on his side, too. And helping him, even when it’s by accident.
I also love how much he fucking smokes in that movie. Jesus. One of these days, I am just going to have to start smoking again. The only reason I don’t like to smoke anymore is because it makes my heart race now and makes me feel like shit the following morning. I never actually had a smoking habit. I smoked when I wanted to and that was it. Nowadays, I want to smoke constantly, but I just don’t want to have the awful feeling in the morning.
Well, anyway. So I streamed Joker last evening down at my kitchen table and loved every moment of it (including every moment of Frank Sinatra singing Sondhiem’s “Send in the Clowns” as the closing credits rolled). But then the moment it was all over, I was still left with having had just a lousy day.
That feeling, like: What am I doing any of this for? What the fuck is the reason for all of this? Who am I, anyway? I just can’t figure anything the fuck OUT.
And that’s, unfortunately, the frame of mind I had when I went to sleep.
And today, I awoke in a not so good mood — at all — however, I’m hoping the reverse of yesterday might occur!! And that a not so good morning will lead to a day that just gets better and better as it unfolds.
It’s quite sunny today, but it got really super cold here. In fact, I got up during the night and put the flannel nighshirt over top of my pajamas. I was absolutely freezing, even with the heat on and two blankets still on the bed.
And now that the virus seems to have completely left me, I’m back to not needing very much sleep at night. So that’s good, and it gives me more energy so I hope the brain just shifts into high gear today, and I can get some good work done on Thug Luckless. (And maybe take up smoking again.)
All righty. Well. I hope today is good to you, wherever you are in the world. And I hope the full moon hasn’t been vexing you the way it’s been vexing me around here. Thanks for visiting, gang. My breakfast-listening music today was once again “Time Out” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet, which I posted here recently. So I think I’ll just post the true musical high point from Joker (I won’t include spoilers of what’s happening on the screen) — when Frank Sinatra is singing “That’s Life.” Lyrics are in the video.
Enjoy, gang. But don’t shoot anyone, okay? Try to figure out a better way of looking at everything — and if nothing else works, just call me. We’ll figure something out! Okay. I love you guys. See ya!!