Hello Sunshine!!

Yes, sort of a sunny day all the way around!

The Conversations with Nick Cave resume tomorrow. This time in Wales.  I have never personally known a Welsh person to post anything whatsoever to Instagram, but that might only be because I don’t personally know any Welsh people. We’ll find out, though!

I saw this morning that he’s added some more shows in England (?) and in the Scandinavian corner of things. (I think this was only because someone suddenly realized there were a few days on his calendar where he was not working. And so they had to fix that.) (That guy never stops working, gang.)

But the really good news is that ALL of his Northern American concert dates have now sold out!

And, NO,  it’s not because I personally wrote to every single person who lives in each of those cities, begging them to buy a ticket. Even I have better things to do with my time than that. Plus it quickly became apparent that I didn’t have enough money to buy all that postage and so the lady at the post office turned me and all my many handwritten letters away.

Anyway. Back to the local weather…

It is really sunny here this morning, gang. But oddly enough, it is only 50 degrees Fahrenheit. Quite chilly! I slept with all the windows closed, all over the house. And that felt very weird because it’s June. But I’m guessing that once July & August get here, and the house boils over with heat &  humidity, this wonderful chilly morning in June will suddenly seem lots more appealing.

And now back to musicians who never stop working…

I saw some current footage on Instagram last night of Bob Dylan talking about the Rolling Thunder Review (this is being promoted everywhere because Scorsese did some sort of documentary about the 100th Anniversary of that famous concert tour. Yes, 100 years ago today, Bob Dylan launched his Rolling Thunder Review tour!)

Or 45 years ago, or something like that. I don’t know. I was never a fan of the Rolling Thunder Review tour. Even though I love Bob Dylan.  (And I did love Scorsese’s other documentary on Dylan from about 15 years ago. That one was really, really good.)

My point, though, is that, wow, Bob Dylan got old. I mean, I do know that he’s in his mid-70s now, but on the wall in front of my desk, I have tons of photos of Dylan from 1965-66, and so I’m really accustomed to him still looking like that. But, au contraire. Instead, he looks like he’s in his mid-70s… in a big way. (I mean, I actually thought to myself: holy shit.)

Another old-timer, though not quite as old, but who looks ASTONISHINGLY good — Bruce Springsteen has a new album out as of midnight last night.  Western Stars. I pre-odered it a long time ago, and they’ve been dropping songs for it along the way, but I have not yet listened to the whole album because I’ve only been awake for, like, I don’t know- 2 hours?  And god knows I needed to ponder Nick Cave’s touring schedule first.

I am, of course, just kidding. I spend time journaling after breakfast now, trying to “fix” myself. I am broken in many places.

No, actually, I am only broken in one place, but it affects so many different areas of my life, my consciousness. And you know, every time I fix something broken about myself, I soon realize: no, the problem runs a lot deeper than that. Fix this other, deeper thing.

I’m now, you know, using a deep-diver’s oxygen tank,  that’s how deep it’s running now.

But in all seriousness, I am just so fucking sick of it. I know what my problem is. I have figured it out: I think erroneous, horrible things about myself because that’s what I was taught to think, a long time ago.  I know how to fix that, for real: just stop thinking certain ways and think other ways instead. Problem solved.

But thought-habits are like an addiction. They can be hard to break, but only because I’m so accustomed to thinking a certain way about myself and I can just be already way deep into it before I realize, Fuck, I’ve done it again! You know? And by then, it is harder to pull myself up out of it. It’s a lot “easier” to do the mental work right away and stop it the moment I see it happening: Don’t go down that street, Marilyn. Just don’t do it. Go this way, instead.

It’s just constant mental work.

Oddly enough, it doesn’t affect my other work. I guess because a very long time ago, I learned how to identify myself through my work, my writing, and to value myself that way. Psychologically, that’s not really the healthiest thing to do but it kept me from killing myself. I could at least find a place that was part of me that had value. So overall, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it – to identify too closely with my work. It kept me alive when nothing else did.

But now, you know. I can’t let work just be a giant band-aid anymore. Plus, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t want “them” to win.  I don’t want to end up a suicide even if I somehow manage to do brilliant work before then. It’s not good enough.

I used to tell myself, “they did their best; they were unhappy people and they didn’t really know better and they did their best.” But now I know for sure they didn’t come anywhere close to doing their best. And I also know now that they knew that. And so I feel less forgiving and more angry. (Because rape is also involved there and that is a seriously difficult thing to “get over.”)

But anger over forgiveness is probably good. It helps me stick up for myself.  (Even though all of these dialogues just happen within me because most of my adoptive family – well there are only 2 people there that I even speak to anymore. I’ve gone back into the folds of my biological family. So all of this is just talking to myself.)

Anyway. Yes, that is how I spend my mornings – the very early part of it, after breakfast, after the cats have had their merry little feeding frenzy, when it’s just me and my wonderful new coffee cup that celebrates my never-ending use of the “f” word.

Okay, gang. I’m gonna get started here.  Have a frisky, fantastic Friday, wherever you are in the world!! I leave you with this, one of the first singles from Springsteen’s new one, appropriately titled (for me, anyway) “Hello Sunshine”. I think it’s a lovely song, but that’s just me. Okay. Thanks for visiting. I love you guys! See ya!

“Hello Sunshine”

Had enough of heartbreak and pain
I had a little sweet spot for the rain
For the rain and skies of gray
Hello sunshine, won’t you stay
You know I always liked my walking shoes
But you can get a little too fond of the blues
You walk too far, you walk away
Hello sunshine, won’t you stay
You know I always loved a lonely town
Those empty streets, no one around
You fall in love with lonely, you end up that way
Hello sunshine, won’t you stay

 

You know I always liked that empty road
No place to be and miles to go
But miles to go is miles away
Hello sunshine, won’t you stay

And miles to go is miles away
Hello sunshine, won’t you stay
Hello sunshine, won’t you stay
Hello sunshine

c – 2019 Bruce Springsteen

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