Now, That’s A Man Who Knows How to Say, ‘I Love You’…

I am speaking of Tom Jones, of course.

For some unknown reason, I woke up this morning bordering on feeling really depressed and the voice in my head was singing “I (Who Have Nothing).”   If you don’t know this song, I of course will regale you with it at the bottom of this post.

If you’ve read my novel Freak Parade (and who hasn’t? ), you no doubt already know that I love Tom Jones — and have since I was a wee bonny lass, that’s for sure. I guess that’s a polite way of saying that he’s been around forever. (Because I’ve already been around forever and he’s been around even longer than that!)

Anyway. Boy, that man can sing. And because he can be so passionate, so deep, so emotional and powerful — because of those very things, I really couldn’t manage getting on YouTube before the sun was even up in order to listen to that (really old) intensely emotional song. Even though I really wanted to, because I thought it might give me some insight into why I would wake up singing it when I haven’t actually heard that song in years.

But I really just can’t listen to Tom Jones at 5:30 in the morning. (I guess if I was married to him or something, I could listen to him at 5:30 in the morning. Of course, he’s probably not actually singing at 5:30 in the morning. Who knows what he’s doing at that hour? It could be that he’s actually just sleeping. Anyway.)

So I got out of bed instead, and tried to focus on not feeling depressed. I’ve made good headway with 4 of the cats. Huckleberry and Doris — the two who always accompany me to the bathroom first thing in the morning, are now letting me pet them several times in a row. Mind you, I have to be peeing in the dark while this is going on , but I will take whatever meager crumbs of love that I can get. But it’s really so cute. They really seem to like being petted in this small way. Huckleberry has started purring — a thing I never heard her do in these 7 years. And Doris will actually bat at my hand if I pet Huckleberry for too long without petting her, too.

But if I pet them for one moment longer than they deem appropriate, they nip at me and scratch.

And Weenie and Scottie now both allow me to pet them one time before I set their bowls of food down in front of them in the morning, but that’s it. If I try to pet them more than once, they bite. Still, it’s progress. (It only took 7 years to be able to pet a cat once….)

I’m patient, if nothing else. And that was actually kind of why I was depressed this morning — sometimes I just feel like giving up. Just that sense of “why do I do all this every day; day in, day out?” And I of course mean everything in my life when I say that — not just this business of trying to permanently foster an entire colony of feral cats.

For the most part, I’m actually really happy. But some days, I wake up and look at it all – life, I mean — and I think: not this again; didn’t I do all this just yesterday, and every single solitary other day before this one? For what? What’s the goal here? Is there in fact a goal? A reason to be here, beyond just doing the same darn thing every single day? What is life, anyway? What does all this mean?

And then I can quickly spiral downward from there, if I’m not careful. Man, it can happen really quickly.

So I do try really, really hard to distract myself from thinking like that. And the cats — as un-demonstrative as they are — they can be very good at distracting me. And I do honestly think, on some really deep level, that that’s why they’re here. To distract the heck out of me.

Anyway, after breakfast, I went back up to my room to meditate, but I just didn’t feel like it today.  So I got on YouTube and finally listened to Tom Jones sing “I (Who have Nothing)”. And, man, that fucker can sing.  I’m still not sure why I woke up with that song in my head — it did indeed remind me of Freak Parade, and of all that was going on in my life when I began writing that novel back in 2005 (or I should say, all that had happened to me before then, which made me write the novel). But maybe, on some deep level,  my ears needed to hear the entire Universe, in the guise of Tom Jones, say “I love you” in that indescribably overpowering way. (And he doesn’t seem to be straining himself, or anything, when he sings like that; it just comes out.)

Well, I don’t actually really know what anything is about. I know I have the day ahead of me and I want it to be productive and maybe even joyful. I guess we’ll see.

There was yet another Red Hand Files newsletter thing today that Nick Cave sent out. I felt terrible reading it. I shouldn’t have posted anything on my blog the other day about  some of the things people write in and say to him. So if you read what I posted, just delete it in your head. And I will attempt to mind my own business (a thing that is sometimes exceedingly hard for me to do).

Okay. I’m gonna get started here. Work on the play. Set the Italian lessons aside for a moment. Get back to thinking in English. Have a wonderful Monday, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting, gang. The video I’m leaving you with is poor quality, visually, but the sound is what’s important, and it’s incredible. All right. I love you guys. See ya.

“I (Who Have Nothing)”

I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Adore you, and want you so
I’m just a no one,
With nothing to give you but, oh
I Love You

He, He buys you diamonds
Bright, sparkling diamonds
But believe me, dear when I say,
That he can give you the world,
But he’ll never love you the way
I Love You

He can take you anyplace he wants
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window pane
I, I who have nothing
I, I who have no one
Must watch you, go dancing by
Wrapped in the arms of somebody else
When darling it’s I
Who Loves you

I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
c- 1970 Jerry Leiber, Mike Stoller, Giulio Rapetti, Labati Donida

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