Getting My Quite Comely Behind Outta Bed

Yes, a  flock of noisy blue jays landed in the maple tree outside my window and finally got me out of bed.

If you aren’t familiar with blue jays, they screech really loudly.

As you know, I love birds, though. All kinds of birds. And so when the blue jays alighted, I got out of bed to get a better look at them. And they made me feel so happy and then I managed to not get back into bed.

I’m doing a lot better today, though, overall. I had a ton of dreams early this morning that seem to have done wonders for me, emotionally.

At about 3am, I awoke and my mind immediately started slipping into those dark places. I tried to focus on Nick Cave’s Conversations — he’s going to be in Wiesbaden, Germany,  tonight. But even that was making me sad because I wished I could be there. (I wish I could attend every one of those things, but I have this issue, you know — it’s called “my life.” I sort of have to actually live it.)

But even though I am so much better at reining in my thoughts before things get too dark — my thoughts are still like a box full of puppies, you know. They keep wanting to get out of the box and scurry off and I have to be keep grabbing at them and putting them back in the box. So, even while I laid awake for over an hour, trying not to feel sad and lost, I did do a good job at not letting it get out of control. I’ve just gotten so much better at it.

Eventually, 3 of the cats jumped up onto the bed and started walking all over me, which I love, and so I calmed down and I drifted back to sleep. But then I had some pretty intense dreams. Full of tears and sorrow and feelings of defeat and helplessness and even a lot rage. It was all family-related stuff, too. (Adoptive family stuff, only. Cousins, aunts, uncles, my mother.)

There was only one person in those dreams that was not related to me — this young black woman I’m friends with, who I’ll say more about in a minute. But my whole family had gathered out on the front lawn at this enormous table (it was my own house — not the one I live in, though) and I was supposed to feed all of them. Well, you know how I am about my dishes, and I was searching for a specific set of dishes that I wanted to put out on the table and I couldn’t find them anywhere. The girlfriend was trying to help me locate the right dishes in all these various cupboards in my kitchen,  but I just kept finding the wrong ones.

Then I happened to glance out the window and I saw that my family had just used any old dishes and were starting the meal without me. And I just started sobbing. I felt so frustrated and defeated by all of them. (Which is how I feel about my adoptive family in real life. I haven’t talked to most of them in many years now.)

Anyway, the dreams progressed to something pretty awful — my adoptive mother purposely poisoned one of my cats and I watched her do it and couldn’t stop her. I was so filled with rage and grief that I attacked her.

But you know, dreams full of crying and rage and bewilderment — I woke up feeling really in a much better place. Just worlds better. So I guess I was able to work out a lot of my grief that way. So that’s good.

And I talked to my dad this morning and he sounded really good, as well. I mean, all things considered. He’s going to go play poker — he always plays poker on Tuesday mornings, and then some people are taking him out to dinner tonight. So I felt really good about that. He wasn’t going to be just sitting at home, crying.

He did inform me that all of my step-siblings and their spouses will be flying back this summer to celebrate our birthdays. (I will be 60 and my dad will be 90.) I was kind of stunned by this. I’m not a big birthday-celebrator type of gal. Normally, I like to either be alone, or just with one other person or just something small. But obviously I’m not going to refuse to attend. Unless I have to be in Toronto, but otherwise, I guess I know where I’ll be on my birthday this year. So strange. My stepbrother lives out in Northern California so, honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever see him again now that his mom has died.

Well, on an entirely different topic (my vanity), but involving the girlfriend I mentioned above. At some point, she had either a hair weave or braids or something, that were too tight and she lost a patch of hair, and she used this all-natural biotin-based hairspray that made all her hair grow back, so I bought some and it should be delivered today! I am losing hair all over the place these days.

Until recently, I took biotin supplements, and they do work but they make hair grow all over your darn body, not just your head — which is the only place I wish for more of it to grow. Since I really don’t have time to devote to 24/7 hair removal, yet I am entirely vain, I finally got fed up with having thick, luxurious hair all over my body and I quit taking the fucking biotin. But then, of course, my hair started falling out again (they call it “thinning,” whereas I call it falling out. Everywhere.). So I’m excited to see if this topical stuff will work. We shall see! God knows, my hair is stupefyingly important to me.

Okay. I’ve got the laundry almost finished here. I’m gonna get back now to the new character arc in Tell My Bones. It’s been about a week since I could focus on it.

I leave you with one of my most favorite songs from my wee bonny girlhood — “I Could Have Danced All Night” from My Fair Lady. It’s a song I always think about now when I remember that Conversation with Nick Cave at Lincoln Center last September. (I didn’t actually feel exactly that way after the show was over, but I kinda did.) Seeing all the posts to Instagram from his Conversation last night, made me play this song during breakfast this morning. So enjoy, okay? Thanks for visiting. Hope life’s good, wherever you are in the world. I love you guys. See ya.

“I Could Have Danced All Night”

Bed, bed I couldn’t go to bed
My head’s too light to try to set it down
Sleep, sleep I couldn’t sleep tonight
Not for all the jewels in the crown

I could have danced all night
I could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I’ve never done before

I’ll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he
Began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced all night

(It’s after three now
Don’t you agree now?
She ought to be in bed)

I could have danced all night (You’re tired out, you must be dead)
I could have danced all night (Your face is drawn, your eyes are red)
And still have begged for more (Now say goodnight, please, turn out the light, please)
(It’s really time for you to be in bed)

I could have spread my wings (Do come along, do as you’re told)
And done a thousand things (Or Mrs. Pierce is apt to scold)
I’ve never done before (You’re up too late, please, fix your estate, please)
(You’ll catch a cold)

I’ll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he (Put down your book, the work’ll keep)
Began to dance with me (Now settle down and go to sleep)
I could have danced, danced, danced all night

(I understand, dear
It’s all been grand, dear
But now it’s time to sleep)

I could have danced all night
I could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I’ve never done before

I’ll never know what made it so exciting
Why all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced all night

c – 1956 Lerner/Loewe

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