Wow, that’s a Day that Went South

And I don’t mean south to sunny Florida, or anything like that. Although it did stop snowing…

My meeting with Peitor was really, really productive. Even though we didn’t work on the script. It was more business stuff that we were trying to –well, as he put it; “Marilyn, you’re very good at getting all the ducks in a row.” And I actually am. So we did that. So that we can accelerate our schedule, have a couple of micro-micro shorts completed, have our business plan together, etc., and start getting the meetings he wants.

I can’t stress enough how well connected he is, but I also can’t stress enough how  much I believe in the effectiveness of setting schedules and sticking to them. Not going on for years, finishing one short script.

So, we were in a really good place. And then right at the end of the meeting, Peitor says: “Okay, well, let me tell you a little bit about what’s going on over here.”

And then he proceeded to tell me, and it was all I could do to keep myself from sobbing. Because I know that tears aren’t going to help anything. Or anyone. Not even me.  But sometimes I can’t just keep getting lost in my work, or in my projects — which is where I always “go” when the life around me seems hopeless. I hit the wall of futility.

I know nothing is actually futile, until you actually give up. But sometimes it is just how I feel. And so I have to work hard, hard, hard at not giving in to that feeling.

This is stuff stemming from Peitor’s dad dying last week, and other things not related to the death but that are equally intrusive and disruptive and unforeseen.

And I know I have to be an empowering friend, not a crybaby friend. So I find the best possible words to say out loud to him, while inside I feel like crumbling to the ground.

And when we got off the phone, I went to the dollar store and found ice cream that had even less calories than the last kind I bought and was still, you know — it has flavor, anyway, and it’s not terrible for you.

I realize that ice cream doesn’t solve anything. And I still did my booty core — and I’m actually losing weight, although I’m still getting those curvy-wurvy things that annoy me a bit.

But anyway, I ate ice cream. And I let myself get angry. And I cried a little bit at the kitchen table. And I texted him and I said, “Should we push the schedule ahead by a couple months?” And he texted back, no, that he wanted to stay on schedule. So on we go.

But inside, I still feel angry and defeated — a little bit anyway. At the sort of “nebulous” world, I mean. Not at Peitor.  I just get tired of life. You know me by now. That’s my fall-back position: I’m done with this. Life sucks. However, I can’t actually allow myself to feel that way because Peitor is counting on me to be the exact opposite.

So I give up — but I can’t actually give up. And I hate everybody — because people suck, people are lousy, people are self-motivated and full of fucking stupid fear — and yet, what I actually feel is love for every fucking person on the planet. (Which is why, when people suck, it hurts so much, you know?)

Anyway. I haven’t been able to get any of my own writing done yet today. The night is still sort of young, so I’m going to keep trying.

Oh, and then the upstairs toilet broke. It’s one of those low-flow, water-saving things and that center thingy in the middle of the inside of it, just stopped. Thank you very much. So now I have to try to locate a reputable plumber who’s willing to come all the way out to Crazeysburg (and I guarantee you, that is not easy; no one knows where the fuck this place is. But all you have to do is set your GPS to the Land that Time Forgot and you will find me, easily!!). I know it’s a simple fix once you buy the new part, but not so simple if you aren’t a plumber…

So, I’m super excited about that.

And I’m hoping that tomorrow, I will wake up and feel just better about everything, for some as of now hard to fathom reason.

Well, on another topic entirely — Nick Cave sent out a Red Hand File thing this morning. It was just another one of those amazing ones. You can read it here.

I’m gonna go.  See what I can do about convincing myself that I’ll figure this all out at some point and everything will make sense. And seem okay. Okay? I hope you’re having a good night, wherever you are in the world, gang.

I leave you with this lovely hymn that my birth dad’s mom used to sing. I love you guys. See ya.

“Farther Along”

Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
Then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all, by and by

Faithful ’til death, said our loving Master
A few more days to labor and wait
Toils of the road will then seem as nothing
As we sweep through the beautiful gates

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand it all, by and by

c- 1911, disputed authorship

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