Seriously. Today is already SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday, that it can’t even be compared.

You know, like, what was yesterday, anyway? Some sort of strange partial reality, wedged into a dead-end probable universe or something?

It’s so weird, because today couldn’t be better, but I didn’t do anything different, really.  Except, I guess, to decide that today was simply going to have to be better.

Also, this is that first day of the gateway to summer. Weather-wise, it’s going to be a perfect day. Which means that windows will be open around here by this afternoon, and that always makes me so happy.

Right now, I’m doing all the bedding that needs to be washed and then stored away in the linen closet until Fall. That’s like, 5 loads of laundry. Just bedding, quilts, blankets, etc. And it really feels just so good to do that because it means that the whole house is soon going to be really airy and  sunny and of a summer-weight that always just feels lighter on my whole soul.

So!

NO!! Absolutely no work got done on Abstract Absurdity stuff yesterday, or on the cover design for The Guitar Hero Goes Home. Although I did at least chat with Valerie on the phone for about an hour, but it was not work-related. I was trying to sort through all my complicated feelings about my dad’s announcement that he’s moving to Florida (see post from yesterday).

That whole thing just triggered all these abandonment issues I didn’t realize I actually had — beginning with when he left us for good the summer I turned 13 (and not ending there, by any stretch) (how many times can my parents discard me, you know? It’s astounding). So much horrible shit came up in me yesterday, which I honestly did not know was there.

So Valerie and I talked about that and decided to have the work chat on Thursday, instead.

And today, I just feel worlds better. I honestly do.

Plus, Kevin is coming over this afternoon to drop off his vintage 1965 VW camper-van until Fall! Hard to believe it’s actually that time of year already. And I know he is eager to see the new roof on my barn!

It’s going to be so nice to see Kevin. I haven’t chatted in person with a human being that I actually know as a friend since March 14th. And then I’m going to drive him back into town and go get more groceries.  (Oddly enough, he lives 3 minutes from where I do my marketing. He can walk there from where he lives.) And it’s going to be perfect weather for driving 95 MPH on the highway here in Muskingum County today! Yay!!

I think this tai-chi idea that I had yesterday is going to be a really good idea. Tai-chi in the morning, yoga at night. And try not to have to do Booty Core again. I think it’s going to be a lot more relaxing for me. I don’t know why I am such a stressed-out individual. Well — I do know why. But I don’t know why I can’t just let it all go for good, you know?

And I’ve been letting it spill over into my writing lately, which I usually don’t do. The last few days, I’ve been feeling like I just can’t focus right now, and I hate that. And feeling like people are looking over my shoulder while I write — my mind getting super critical of me — and I really, REALLY hate that. But it seems like even a little bit of tai-chi yesterday helped that, so I’m hoping that by keeping it up for a little bit each morning, I can totally re-set myself and get back on track around here.

So, yes, that means my new routine will be to wake-up at 5am, go downstairs to feed the cats, feed myself, do my little Inner Being dialogue journal thing, then my little journal where I pre-pave my day into a positive direction so that I don’t become completely unglued before noon, then go back upstairs and meditate, and now add tai-chi — then post something to the blog and get my day underway. And that’s about a 5-hour chunk of time there — I’m not exaggerating. Have you ever known anyone who had to invest so much time into not losing her fucking mind every day?

Well. So far, it’s working. So I’m going to stick with it. I literally spent 11 straight years (2006 – 2017) on the verge of suicide every single day — and that is an absolutely exhausting way to sort of half-live, even though I was really productive in my work during those years. I wrote 2 novels, a ton of short stories and novellas, developed 2 TV series (still in “development” in LA), wrote an award-winning screenplay that placed well in half a dozen major screenplay competitions in Hollywood, and then developed two musical theater projects that are inching toward production as soon as the virus gets out of NYC — oh, and I went to Divinity School in the middle of all that and got a degree in Ministry (and got ordained, wherein I also took perhaps an ill-advised oath to never smoke again, or do recreational drugs, and only drink alcohol based on Biblical guidelines, which means wine, basically, but only wine that started out as water moments before…) (kidding about that last part; I can drink wine if I want to, but my point is, how the heck do I get rid of my stress??? Prayer, or some weird shit like that???).

Well. Anyway. I jest.

But I did a ton of fucking stuff while on the verge of suicide for 4, 015 straight days…

And I like my life a lot better now.  Those years were a nightmare, in all seriousness. So even if I have to get out of bed at 5am in order to have enough time to start my actual day when most everyone else is just starting their days, it’s worth it to me, so I’m just going to stick with it. And add the tai-chi.

So. I’m very, very excited about today. It’s so beautiful outside and I get to see Kevin today — and through some twist of fate my house is actually clean on the one and only day that a human being is coming over!! So all things considered, pandemic-wise, everything’s looking good around here.

I’m gonna go make a little more progress on that laundry now and, yes, get my day underway over here. Have a wonderful Wednesday, wherever you are in the world, gang!! Thanks for visiting. I leave you with my breakfast-listening music from this morning — a song that millions of girls the world over believe that Tom Petty wrote just for them!! And I am no exception!!! “Wildflowers,” the titular song from his multi-platinum album from 1994, Wildflowers. It’s a beautiful song, gang. (And I know for sure that he knew I was going to eventually live out here in the peace and solitude of the Hinterlands and that’s why I know for sure that Tom Petty wrote this song specifically for me!!) All righty. I love you guys. Have a great day. See ya.

“Wildflowers”

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

© 1994 – Tom Petty