I can just feel so clearly, gang, that everything in my world is changing.

And cycles are coming to a close; and new, as yet unknown, cycles getting ready to begin.

But first–

Today is the “official” day that he was taken from us:

Also, check out this from Phil back in 2021, if you haven’t already:

JFK Part 3 – “A shocking alternative theory to the JFK Assassination aftermath.“

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Okay, yesterday, when I was with my favorite 95-year-old Japanese man –after we came back home from having our sashimi & sake — and, OH!! The restaurant has yet another new fortune cookie supplier and they are awful! His fortune was totally lame and my fortune cookie was empty!!

(Could this be yet another sign that cycles in my life are ending???)

Anyway. I digress…

After we came back home, he fell asleep for an hour, because of the sake. And since I don’t drink sake, I was totally sober and puttering around, tidying stuff, gathering the laundry and getting it ready to do when I go over there today, etc.

And even while I was sort of sad, looking around me at all the amazing stuff in his home, from all over the world, and all the memories I have now of spending time with him that I am really going to treasure, I clearly felt that I was leaving. That when I retire, I’m going to totally retire.

And move on.

And after I left his house, on the drive home, I was feeling profoundly grateful to all the clients I’ve had over these past 15 months. I felt like I’ve learned what they wanted to tell me — about aging, about the past, about family, pets, possessions, and preparing for dying.

And I had the distinct feeling that it’s my turn now: to live out the remainder of my life in the best way that suits me.

What a feeling, gang. It was so empowering. Going into the last chapters of my life now, with my eyes wide open from all the things my clients have taught me.

Wow.

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And this is sort of unexpected–

Tomorrow morning, I might not be able to post here.

Several days ago, I got an invite in the mail from a small church in the next town over. Tomorrow is there annual “new friends in the community” service, with a Pastor’s reception afterwards, in the fellowship hall.

The church is very small, and while their hymns are done in bluegrass style, they are otherwise very conservative. KJV (which is the bible style I was ordained under). And no drinking, no smoking, no partying, no LGBTQ+ shenanigans, etc.

But as loyal readers of this lofty blog perhaps recall, I have been looking for a new local church. Every church imaginable in this area has invited me to attend their church — Methodist, Evangelical, Presbyterian, Church of Christ, Mormon, and Jehovah’s Witness.

For some reason, this church’s invite popped up and appealed to me. So we’ll see. I am definitely feeling like I’m going to at least check it out tomorrow morning. And then, after that, I will have to head to my shift with the retired Minister and his lovely wife and cat…

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I don’t know, gang. It is such an interesting feeling — retiring. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I feel really confident about all of it.

Even if nothing I write ends up selling, I honestly don’t mind. I don’t mind self-publishing stuff — I’ve been doing that for years already.
And I’ve already experienced (for a couple of decades) that incredible feeling wherein every single thing I wrote, sold. Everything. Fiction, nonfiction, flash fiction, memoirs, essays, novels, novellas.

All over the world.

I had publishers in the Philippines, in Japan, in Spain, Germany, Italy, France, London, Denmark, and of course, all over the US.

I had two books published by the Book of the Month Club!

And this morning, I was lying in bed with my cup of coffee in reach, and as the sun came up, I was thinking about the book signings I did in Boston, in Cambridge MA, San Francisco, Los Angeles, London, Paris, and, of course, all over NYC.

Lots of trains, planes, and rented automobiles!

And all of this was for my erotica. Not for some lofty tome, right? Erotica. A genre that no one will touch anymore.

Such different days. It was incredible.

And the trips to Los Angeles, to meet with producers about my various TV projects (not erotica!), and having those various producers tell me that I was a great writer…(And not a single solitary person EVER hitting on me! So different from the music business…)

Wow. It was all exciting. My 30s, 40s, and 50s. And yet I don’t need to repeat it. If I do, great. But honestly, the chance to just write what I want to write and just experience my life before it zips by in a flash. Those are the prospects I’m actually interested in now, gang.

It just feels incredible.

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Okay. I gotta scoot and head back into town!

Enjoy your Saturday, wherever you are in the world.

Thanks for visiting.

I love you guys. See ya!

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I leave you with this, on this auspicious anniversary.

The Screaming Blue Messiahs, from their phenomenal album, Gun Shy, 1986. “President Kennedy’s Mile.” Enjoy, gang.

Sorry I’m late!!

Today is really the first day I’ve had completely and totally OFF in about 3 weeks. So I think I just went ahead and collapsed. I slept in until 5AM (!!) — I haven’t done that since before the time change. And then after I went back to bed with my coffee to meditate and get ready for this splendid day, I just did not want to get out of bed.

But here I now am!

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My shift with the retired Minister and his lovely wife and cat was really weird yesterday.

I can’t go into the details. It wasn’t bad, just “challenging.” And more than ever, I am really planning to retire early next year. I really don’t know how much more of the caregiving I can handle.

We shall see.

My primary concern, of course, is my favorite 95-year-old Japanese man. He does not handle new or unfamiliar caregivers very well at all. Plus, he thinks he has known me for years. He thinks I was also freinds with his late wife (by the time I began working with him last October, she had been gone for nearly 6 years).

I know it would be so hard on him if I simply stopped showing up and someone else was suddenly in my place.

My Q-following friend had a good point, though, when we were discussing this very topic on our recent road trip to see my birth mom — she said that if I gave up all other clients and only worked with him, I might be able to handle it better.

It’s something to think about.

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Speaking of road trips!!

So, okay — wow. Am I glad I made that trip, gang.

The night before, I was panicking. It’s part of being born “a mistake” and never really feeling like I belonged anywhere. And there’s always a little voice in the back of my head saying that my birth mom (even after 40 years of having her back in my life) is suddenly going to announce: “I changed my mind and I want you to stay away from me now.”

I called my girlfriend and said that I was canceling the trip. I was too stressed out. I was convinced that my mother didn’t want to see me. That I have no place left in that family — I’m an outsider, etc.

My girlfriend convinced me that I had to make the trip. That my mom wasn’t getting any younger, and if I canceled the trip, I would never re-schedule it.

So I said okay, we’ll go. But I was still stressing.

And then Thursday morning, I was wearing a white pullover that had little pumpkins and fall leaves all over it, and I was wearing a very autumnal-colored pair of rust-colored jeans. And even my coat had autumn colors. And even my earrings kind of matched my shirt.

And even though this is how I actually dress in the fall (!!), I suddenly felt that everyone would think that I dress really weird.

But the trip got underway, and what a gorgeous fall day it was. It was such a great day for a drive on mostly backroads in rural Ohio.

And my girlfriend and I never stopped talking the whole way. It was great.

And when we arrived in Greenfield, I could not believe how pretty that town was. Actually, it has now been downsized to a village, no longer a town. (Like here in Crazeysburg, where I live. This used to be a town — it had a hotel, a billiard hall, some bars, a grocery store, a restaurant. Now it has none of those things and only about 1300 people live here. Greenfield is a lot bigger than here, but it is still smaller than it once was.)

I remembered that I had always liked Greenfield, but I hadn’t been back there in about 40 years. I had been back for my grandmother’s funeral about 12 years ago, but the cemetery is on the outskirts of the town, so I wasn’t actually in the town itself.

But, wow, do they take a lot of pride in it’s history. It is so pretty and they take really good care of the really old buildings (some as early as the 1800s).

My mother’s little senior apartment complex is directly behind the buildings on the left:

I was expecting my mom’s apartment complex to be a lot bigger and sort of non-descript and industrial looking but the complex was tiny, rustic and old, and adorable.

AND — my mother was waiting for us in front of her little apartment and she was wearing a black pullover with tiny fall leaves all over it and matching little fall-leaf-shaped earrings.

This idea that I don’t belong in that family is now, you know, completely over…

And her little front garden was full of little fall stuff that she’d bought at the Family Dollar — which is another thing that I totally and completely do!

Anyway. She said: “I was so nervous about you coming here. I was so stressed out. I’ve been cleaning all morning.”

This was the first time I’d actually seen her apartment. She’s only been there a few years. (She lived forever and ever in a farm house in Jackson, Ohio.) And it was not only absolutely adorable, but the way she had it decorated, it was like walking into a tiny version of my own house.

Oh, also, I had brought $50 to give to her and I kept stressing about that, too. Should I give her money? Is that weird? Will she be offended? But after my brother had gone out, I gave her the $50 and I said, “Here, I just wanted you to have this. I didn’t want to give this to you around Ronnie, because I don’t want him to spend it.”

And, gang, she practically cried. She said, “Thank you so much. “

I was so glad I had brought her that money.

She and my girlfriend and I went out for lunch and the food was fantastic. And we just had the best time. And it was right across from the old (and beautiful) high school :

Both my mom and my birth dad attended this high school, even though both of them dropped out and did not graduate.

But being in that town felt like a part of me was “home” and I remember feeling that same feeling when I used to go there back in the late 80s.

It was just a beautiful feeling. And I felt like my birth dad was there in spirit with us.

Well, the trip was short, but the drive back here was just stunning. We took a different route, wherein I also got to pass by my old alma mater — Ohio Christian University, where I studied for the ministry about 10 years ago. Wow, are they taking great care of that place, too:

And after I got back home, my mom called me to make sure we’d gotten back okay. And she started to cry a little and she said, “I was so stressed about you two coming here to this tiny apartment, but I had such a nice time. I am so happy you came. I just wish I could walk out my door and walk right over to your house and walk inside.”

That made me feel incredible, gang.

And right before I left her house, she surprised me by giving me a really lovely framed Thomas Kincaid print– of a church in the spring. She had originally given it to my grandmother as a gift, but took it back after my grandmother died:

I was blown away! It is so pretty. And the fact that she wanted me to have it, instead of her other daughters or her granddaughters or her great-granddaughters… it just meant so much to me.

It’s now hanging in my kitchen because I wanted to look at it all the time. And now every time I go into my kitchen and see it, I just smile.

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Well, sorry this is so long! But it is safe to say that I no longer feel like I don’t belong in that family.

Okay. So.

Enjoy your Monday, wherever you are in the world!

Thanks for visiting.

I love you guys. See ya!

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I leave you with this!

Breakfast-listening music. Another one from Mojo, 2010. Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers’ “Good Enough”.

Enjoy, gang.

“Good Enough”

She was hell on her mama
Impossible to please
She wore out her daddy
Got the best of me

But there’s somethin’ about her
That only I can see
And that’s good enough

You’re barefoot in the grass
And you’re chewin’ sugarcane
You got a little buzz on
You’re kissin’ in the rain

And if a day like this
Don’t ever come again

Well that’s good enough
Good enough for me
Good enough for right now
Good enough for me
Good enough for right now

God bless this land
God bless this whiskey
I can’t trust love
It’s far too risky

If she marries into money
She’s still gonna miss me
And that’s good enough
Gonna have to be good enough

c -2010 Tom Petty, Mike Campbell

A lovely morning here. Yay!

A little chilly, but it is mid-November, so I can’t complain. Oh, wait! I could complain, but I won’t!!

I have a shift with the retired Minister later today, but most of the day here is free and I have tomorrow OFF, so — yay!! I’m tired, but I’m happy.

Okay!

I forgot to post this yesterday!

It was 45 years ago yesterday that I moved to NYC!! What a time it was, gang. New York in the 80s. Wow. Some rough stuff out there in those streets but so memorable! (And for some reason, living for nearly 30 years in NYC was never as rough as my life had been in Columbus, Ohio…)

And here is quite a memorable song from that era, too. Whenever I hear this song, I always remember that first year I spent in NYC. It was life-changing on so many levels. Queen, 1980, “Another One Bites the Dust”:

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Here’s this!

I loved this photo of Allen Ginsberg in Prague, March 1965:

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And, WOW, gang!

I got up to go to the bathroom during the night at — apparently — 2:49AM, and these 2 very cool texts were on the home screen on my phone!! I had to take a screenshot for you!

One was from Wayne, with more kind words about my manuscript for The Curse of Our Profound Disorder.

And a quick reply from Billy Sheehan to one of my comments to him on Instagram!

If you don’t know who Billy Sheehan is:

“…an American musician known for playing bass guitar with acts such as Talas, Steve Vai, David Lee Roth, Mr. Big, Niacin, and The Winery Dogs. He is also known for his “lead bass” playing style, including the use of chording, two-handed tapping, “three-finger picking” technique and controlled feedback. Sheehan has been voted “Best Rock Bass Player” five times in Guitar Player readers’ polls.”

His account on Instagram is personal — he’s actually the one posting stuff, not an assistant. And while he has a ton of bass-related stuff, he also posts photos of his cats, his wife, his yard, his meals when he’s on tour, etc.

And I really appreciated Wayne’s text about the Jack Kicking Eagle section of my novel, because I re-wrote that particular stuff many, many times. Even when I finally signed-off on it, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be clear enough for readers to appreciate it. So that really felt good.

And — oddly enough — when I was driving home from my shift yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about that very section of the book and I was wondering what Wayne was going to think of it. So it was particularly cool to see that text in the middle of the night. I went back to sleep with a little smile on my face.

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And yesterday, while I was with my favorite 95-year-old Japanese man, we were talking about the hot springs area of Japan where his father had gone to live until he died — Beppu Onsen in Kyushu.

I found a photo of it on my phone and his face lit up when he saw it. “Yes! That is it!”

Since his long-term memory is still perfect, he really, really enjoys seeing photos of people and places he remembers from his past.

Here is the photo of Beppu and this LINK tells you about the area.

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You know, the older I get, the more convinced I am that I won’t be able to see a lot of the places I’d dreamed of traveling to in this lifetime, primarily because I get so tired of doing everything all by myself. And the places I want to visit, and the reasons why I want to visit them — I can’t imagine anyone being interested in going with me.

Except maybe Kara! I can actually imagine myself saying to her:

ME: “Come on, Kara, we’re going to Beppu Onsen in Kyushu! Get your passport ready!”

SHE (a little mystified): “Oh, really? Okay! Wow, where did I put that darn passport…”

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Okay, that’s kind of it for now.

I know I said I was going to go into more of the details about my great trip to see my birth mom and my younger, 59-year-old (!!), brother. But it will wait until tomorrow.

Enjoy your Sunday, wherever you are in the world!

Thanks for visiting.

I love you guys. See ya!

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I leave you with this!

I love this song!! I especially love the off-beat Thomas Jefferson history of it.

I’ve been playing this CD on my retro boombox for the last few mornings, when I finally get up, let the cats into my room, and start making the bed!! And then this fantastic opening riff sticks with me all morning.

Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, “Jefferson Jericho Blues”, from their fantastic album, Mojo, 2010. Enjoy, gang.

“Jefferson Jericho Blues”

Well poor Tom Jefferson
He loved the little maid out back
Midnight creepin’ out to the servant’s shack
Kept a secret under the bed
Wrapped in a burlap sack
Well I drove all day and night
Out to Jericho
But in my second mind

I knew it was time to go
Yeah and I still get nervous every time
That bugle blows
Well she ain’t no good for me
But I just can’t let go
If I sit here thinkin’
My thoughts will overflow
And I can’t keep from cryin’
Can’t keep time from movin’ slow

c – 2010 Tom Petty