Trying to remember to bring everything, now that I’ve had my bath. Such a sad little trip.
Tag Archives: not writing
This Day Is Almost Sucking
Grief really sucks, you know? Doesn’t it?
And for me, there’s also a lot of anger in it — in grief. I hate having to “work shit out”. In my brain, I mean. In my heart. I’d rather just, you know, go along my merry way.
I don’t like to be angry. And I also don’t like to feel crippled by grief. I’m guessing I’m the only person on Earth who feels this way…
Well, very early this morning, even though it is nearly freezing outside, a bird was singing outside my window. I knew it was connected to my stepmom. I just knew it. She was a very intensely spiritual person while she was alive and I’m guessing she hasn’t changed since yesterday, when she died.
I don’t know if she was telling me she was all right, or telling me to get my ass out of bed and stop crying. Maybe a little of both? But I know it was connected to her — that little merrily singing bird in the dead of winter, in the maple tree right outside my window. So I am going to try to make the best out of this day somehow. Then first thing tomorrow, I’m leaving to go be with my dad. Then the funeral is Saturday.
And I will make every effort not to shoot myself, because it would be so intensely inappropriate.
Meanwhile.
Here are a couple things that might be of interest to you.
If you are an American artist of any kind — writer, visual, etc. Please join the Copyright Alliance. It is free to join. Copyrights are once again coming under attack in the USA and you need to stay informed about what is at stake for the copyrights of your work in the age of the Internet. Join here. It takes 2 minutes.
On Instagram this morning, Stefanos Rokos announced that his art exhibition in Antwerp has been extended by popular demand. It will run again from January 22 -February 9th. These are the incredible paintings inspired by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds’ No More Shall We Part album. If you live in Belgium or will be traveling there, the details of the gallery and the exhibit are here.
Which reminds me, that it is now almost two weeks since there was a Red Hand Files thingy from Nick Cave!! (Perhaps the bird outside my window today was telling me to find a reason to go on living anyway. I guess we’ll see.)
All right. I need to go. I’m not sure my writing will yield anything productive today. I’m not sure if I’m going to even try. Yesterday was all about sitting at the kitchen table and staring; calling my dad every few hours to make sure he wasn’t falling to pieces — although he was.
I have no clue what today will be about. I’m so angry and I’m just so fucking sad. I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with life, you know. But I’m guessing that will change. Everything always does.
Have a good day, wherever you are. I love you guys.
Vaya Con Dios. R.I.P.
Well, my stepmom died today.
She was my dad’s 3rd wife, but they’d been married a long time — over 30 years. She was a really sweet, charming lady. She’d been sick a long time, though. This last year was really rough on her.
Farewell To A Truly Splendid Year!
Probably the high point of my year was discovering that Chesterfield cigarettes were now available for purchasing at the gas station here in Crazeysburg!! (Even though I still don’t smoke!)
I’m kind of kidding, gang, and kind of not — because it sort of symbolized to me that eventually the thing you really want, or miss, or crave, or desire, or regret its absence and fervently wish to have it return — eventually, it all comes back around. There’s nothing to fear, or to seriously regret, you know? Everything changes. And that’s a blessing we can all share in.
You know, on Instagram, I’m noticing that a lot of people consider attending one of the Conversations with Nick Cave to be the highlight of their whole year. And I think I have to concur. Especially the one at Lincoln Center.
However, I think if I had to distill it down to my absolutely favorite moment of all of 2019 — even while I still wasn’t smoking! — it was after that show at Lincoln Center was over and I was back in that strange Airbnb in Midtown Manhattan, alone in my bed in the dark, all the city lights shining through the Venetian blinds regardless. And I was listening to the Boys Next Door on YouTube, singing “Shivers.” Nick Cave had sung it during the In Conversation that evening and he’d done such a stunning job of singing it, all these years later. And it was so cool to sort of let time evaporate for a little while and see Rowland Howard alive again, too, and everyone just so darn young. And it is such a beautiful, beautiful song.
That moment in my bed, listening to that song, was my absolute favorite moment of the whole year.
It was such a good year for me, gang. The best year of my whole life. Not that there were a lot of highs in it, because actually there weren’t. There was just a steady feeling that I was making it out of the darkness for good. And the only really low point of the year was Daddycakes dying in the spring, so unexpectedly.
Here is a photo of him with Huckleberry. It’s at the old house, at the top of the stairs. Probably around 2014. It’s sort of a strange photo but I just love how Huckleberry is looking at him with so much love.
Okay. Have a really wonderful time saying adieu to 2019 and hola to 2020!! You know what I’m leaving you with!! Thanks for spending time in my room this year! I love you guys. See ya!
Shivers
I’ve been contemplating suicide
But it really doesn’t suit my style
So I guess I’ll just act bored instead
And contain the blood I would have shed
She makes me feel so ill at ease
My heart is really on its knees
But I wear a poker face so well
That even mother couldn’t tell
And my baby’s so vain she is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name sends a permanent shiver down my spine
I keep her photo against my heart
Cause in my life she plays a starring part
All alcohol and cigarettes
There is no room for cheap regret
She makes me feel so ill at ease
My heart is really on its knees
But I wear a poker face so well
That even mother couldn’t tell
And my baby’s so vain she is almost a mirror
And the sound of her name sends a permanent shiver down my spine
c – 1979 Rowland S. Howard
A wonderful rainy little morning!
It is just a cozy little morning here, gang. Rainy and not very cold. I am actually going to get out of bed today!
When I went downstairs to feed the cats, my legs were doing pretty good. So I’m gonna just stay positive. Even though I’m not feeling that “overwhelmed by all the Christmas decorations” feeling yet — that always happens to me during the first week of a new year — I did in fact feel like I was done with the Christmas dishes. So I have my winter coffee mug out and in full service!
Not sure why I always consider this the winter coffee cup — and I have the matching bowl and plate. I guess because it’s red but not holiday-ish at all. I’ve had it forever now! It has lived in 2 states with me and in 5 humble abodes!
I’ve decided to give the brain a little day off from thinking. Just sort of make room for people and things I love. I do have people in my life who make me really happy. I don’t actually know most of them very well, but I’ve lived around here a couple of years now and there are people here who really make me smile. They’re mostly a lot younger than me, but it’s okay.
Remember how, back in the fall, I blogged about that really sexy young gal who wanted to hang out and drink because her kid was away on a sleepover and her boyfriend was out of town, and I declined her invite because I found her a little too sexy and could see it was going to go nowhere fast? I ran into her again last evening while I was trying to get my legs to work right again and was taking a walk and, oddly, it seemed like she really wanted to talk to me.
She said, “Hey M!” And “M” is what people who know me really well call me, so at first I didn’t think she was talking to me because I hardly know her. But then she said, “Marilyn – hi!”
And then I realized she was actually talking to me. So I stopped for a moment to chat. I was kind of amazed. You know? That she wanted to talk to me. She told me about a good friend of hers who was giving her the silent treatment and she couldn’t understand why – he wouldn’t tell her what she’d done. And I was listening to her and noticing that she wears false eyelashes and that she had applied them expertly. She’d really just done a flawless job.
I talked to her for a little while and thought she was actually quite nice. And then I went on my way, with my old lady legs, thinking it was kind of nicely odd that she felt she knew me well enough to call me “M” and that she wanted to confide in me. It was sweet.
So even though I’m out here in the Hinterlands to sort of live in “deep cover” from the world and even though I’m gearing up for another round of life in NYC and now also Toronto, I do have little attachments here & there to the people here. I really just love them,
Okay, well, gonna get more coffee and see how the legs feel about managing the stairs!! Have a lovely little Sunday, wherever you are in the world! Thanks for visiting, I love you guys. See ya!
You know it’s a small town when…
You know you’re living in a bonafide small town when there’s a life-sized Nativity in your town square! With no concerns whatsoever for political correctness and any kind of stuff like that…
One of those dreaded days…
No, I’m not really sick, gang, but it seems I’m getting too old to get out of bed!
Well, that’s how it feels today. I’m having some leg issues, which I’m hoping is just part of me slacking off on the yoga too much this month. And I’m trying not to take anymore Ibuprofen. And I’m wondering if it’s time for Glucosamine Chondroitin supplements…
grumble grumble grumble…
And while I was lying in bed, refusing to get old, I was sort of rummaging through the drawer in my night table — looking for miracles or something, not sure really — and an old demo tape caught my eye so I took it out and looked at it. It was from the mid-1980s, a cassette, and there were a couple songs listed on there that I’d forgotten I’d written but I remembered that I used to really like those songs. But I couldn’t remember the lyrics. I no longer have a working cassette player, so I went in search of the lyrics (meaning I actually got out of bed!), and I did find some lyrics (which I have to say, I was sort of impressed with, even all these decades later!), but I also found these!! From the “big hair” photo shoot!!
Other photos from this same shoot are here on the web site, but these were ones I hadn’t seen in decades. I’m 23 or 24 here — I honestly don’t remember. I only remember that my day job back then was working for the notorious author/publisher Ralph Ginzburg (he went to prison in 1963 on obscenity charges). I worked for him in a penthouse office on W. 57th Street in NYC, from 1983-1985, that’s all I remember.
But what I love about these photos is not only that I actually look young enough to get out of bed!! But I am also smiling in a couple of them! Not something I ever seem to do in photos because I hate having my picture taken. I also like that you can sort of see my modest breast size back then in one of them! And, of course, well — the hair. Not silver yet. Full of Aqua Net hair spray. Not yet falling out all over the shower. Jesus, I was so young.
Sorry that these are so shiny. But you can still see them okay.
Well, these really sort of perked me right up, you know? I’m not sure what I’m going to do about the legs, but I’m sure that whatever happens, I will adjust. And I’m certainly not planning on spending the rest of my life in bed, perhaps maybe just the day…
Okay, have a great Saturday, wherever you are in the world, gang! Thanks for visiting! I leave you with one of my favorite songs from back then, “Doin’ The Things That We Want To,” off of Lou Reed’s1984 album, New Sensations. Back then, I was always playing this in my Sony Walkman, walking all over NYC. Okay, gang. Stay young today. I love you guys. See ya.
“Doin’ The Things That We Want To”
The other night we went to see Sam’s play
Doin’ the things that we want to
It was very physical it held you to the stage
Doin’ the things that he wants to
Doin’ the things that he wants to
The guy’s a cowboy from some rodeo
Doin’ the things that he wants to
The girl had once loved him, but now she wants to go
Doin’ the things that she wants to
Doin’ the things that she wants to
The man was bullish, the woman was a tease
Doin’ the things that they want to
They fought with their words, their bodies and their deeds
Doin’ the things that they want to
When they finished fighting, they exited the stage
Doin’ the things that they want to
I was firmly struck by the way they had behaved
Doin’ the things that they want to
Doin’ the things that they want to
Hey
It reminds me of the movies Marty made about New York
(doin’ the things that he wants to)
Those frank and brutal movies that are so brilliant
(doin’ the things that he wants to)
“True Love” meet “The Raging Bull”
(doin’ the things that he wants to)
They’re very inspirational, I love the things they do
(doin’ the things that he wants to)
Doin’ the things that I want to
There’s not much you hear on the radio today
(doin’ the things that we want to)
But you could still see a movie or a play
(doin’ the things that we want to)
Here’s to “Travis Bickle” and here’s to “Johnny Boy”
(doin’ the things that we want to)
Growing up in the mean streets of New York
(doin’ the things that we want to)
I wrote this song ’cause I’d like to shake your hand
(doin’ the things that we want to)
In a way you guys are the best friends I ever had
(doin’ the things that we want to)
Doin’ the things that we want to
That we want to
A true love
c – 1984 Lou Reed
A very foggy Christmas Eve!!
It has been foggy all day. It has not let up. Here is a view of Basin Street just now, as I was standing outside on my kitchen porch. Followed by a view from on the porch looking in…❤️
Best Morning of Christmas Eve, Ever!
For some reason, all day yesterday, I kept thinking about that concert film from 2018, Distant Sky: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds Live in Copenhagen. I really wished I could re-watch it. I kept thinking about how great it would sound on my new speakers, plus I just really loved that concert and wanted to see it again.
You know, I have a private email address that only about 6 people know. Two of my friends have it; one of my ex-husbands has it (the other ex-husband only texts me on my phone); and then about 3 business-related people have it. It’s so that I can be sure that emails coming from any of those people never wind up in the junk folder, and never get lost among a ton of spam emails. I won’t ever accidentally delete it, or not see that it’s there the moment it arrives.
There’s only ever about 3 active things in that inbox, and right now they’re all emails from the director of my play. Around 2:30am, though, I saw that my ex-husband (in Seattle) had emailed me. It was no less than 8 animated Christmas gifs, the one posted above being among them! I find it so funny & sweet that he does that, because he’s Chinese, Buddhist, born & raised in Singapore — and he sends me the most Westernized depictions of Christmas imaginable. It’s so funny. But he also said something really sweet to me and it was just the best little Christmas email to get at 2:30am.
And then at about 6am this morning, I was still in bed and checked that email inbox again and, lo & behold, Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds had written to me!! They never write to me at that email address — they only use my main one that the whole world knows!!
Well, upon closer inspection, it turns out that YouTube has that email address — and they were the ones actually writing to me. But it was to tell me that Distant Sky: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds Live in Copenhagen had just been uploaded to YouTube!! And that I could start watching it right that very second if I wanted to!
Fucking-A, right??!! Yay. I seriously really was thinking about that movie all day yesterday. I’m so happy!
I know… I’m committed to making this effort to watch only new things. (You’ll notice, though, that being “committed to making an effort” has a glaring loophole in it — you can see it a mile away.) Plus, it’s Christmas — who watches anything new on Christmas? I think it’ll be cool if I can manage to get through the next 2 days without watching It’s A Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol or The Bishop’s Wife or Holiday Inn, or even some sort of old foreign film about Nazis in Paris at Christmas or something like that.
We’ll see how it goes. I am, though, going to SERIOUSLY make an effort to not sit at my desk. I am going to try to avoid the hypnotic pull of it. I really am.
Even though, last evening at the Granville Inn, I ran into Kevin — the director of my play — and his husband, Christopher. And so now all I want to do is work on some revisions of the play! But last night, Kevin — who greeted me with this amazing hug and a big smile and said really joyously, “I love you!” and it left me a little breathless because it’s been quite a while since anyone has done that to me — but he also said, “We’re not discussing work until after the holiday, okay?!”
And I said, “Okay!!” And I’m gonna try to stick to that. I really am. And if that means I’m forced to re-watch Distant Sky: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds Live in Copenhagen in order to not sit down at my desk, well, you know….
I’m actually so glad that I looked really nice last evening. I was hoping to run into that older man — that widower who’s a transplanted New Yorker — because he’s really interested in my play and I wanted to give him one of the Christmas cards. He’s been really sick, but I was wondering if maybe he was feeling better and would stop in at the Inn before Christmas. So I had actually washed my hair and it was behaving splendidly — you know, silky and bouncy and just really full and not as if half of it had just fallen out in the shower and was hanging around the bathtub drain…(such is the life of hair at age 59 and a half). Plus, I had decided to wear make-up– eye make-up, that is. I never wear any other make-up anymore, even though I have a ton of it and I love make-up; I just hate wearing it now because it adds about 20 years to my face. And I spend 17 trillion dollars a year on products that ensure I look 15 years younger than I am when I roll out of bed each morning and so that I can go out bravely into the Hinterlands and have much younger people gush breathlessly that I don’t look anywhere near as old as I am!
I don’t want to ruin all that by wearing anything more than eye make-up.
But anyway. Last night, there I was, actually looking really good for a change. And I had on these cute little silver earrings shaped like cats in Santa hats with tiny bells on them (a gift from Kara last Christmas) and my little gold “Joy” pin with the tiny rhinestones. I just looked really tastefully festive and sort of “grown-up-ish.” In short: I looked nothing like how I usually look and then I ran into my director and his husband! So I thought privately to myself: oh, yay! they’ll think I look like this all the time…
All righty. Enough of that.
Nick Cave was either up really late or up very early, because I also got a Red Hand Files thingy in my (other) inbox just before dawn! I only know it’s about Christmas. I haven’t read it yet. But you can read it here if you so choose!
Right now, I’m gonna get more coffee, finish up the laundry, brush my teeth, admire my still-behaving hair in the mirror, and then get in my grown-up car and join the throngs of people who, comme moi, decided to save all their grocery shopping for Christmas Eve day — the worst traffic day of the whole year, even in a small town.
Then I will come home, not smoke Chesterfields, not drink bourbon, not sit at my desk and write… but still have a really great Christmas Eve!!
Okay. I leave you with this. It still breaks my heart to pieces (I loved this man and they killed him). But there’s still a lot of joy left there, too, gang. Death doesn’t kill love, it only transforms it. So play it loud and rejoice. And thanks for visiting. I love you guys. See ya!
Oh, Joy!!
Yes!!
Late last night, I stopped in at the gas station here in Crazeysburg because I ran out of milk again!! And I couldn’t possibly face the morning without milk for my coffee, whether the milk was organic and fresh from the farm, or non-organic and fresh from the gas station.
When I got up to the counter to pay, lo & behold! Right there in front of me, for the first time in Crazeysburg ever — or at least since I’ve been here — there were packs of Chesterfield cigarettes for sale!
My favorite cigarettes of all time.
The very reason I gave up smoking was because you could not find Chesterfields for sale anywhere in Ohio once I had moved back here from New York.
These cigarettes at the gas station were the “new” Chesterfields, with the modern packaging and filter tips. Now produced by Phillip Morris. I have no idea if they’re still the same tobacco or not. The old Chesterfields were initially filterless, and smoking just one would knock you on your ass. They seemed to have triple-nicotine. And since, back then, I always drank 101 proof Wild Turkey bourbon, filterless Chesterfields made drinking that bourbon an absolute joy! You could be both drunk and buzzed all night long.
But I was so indescribably thrilled to finally see Chesterfields for sale in Ohio again — and on such prominent display in the gas station in Crazeysburg — that I automatically asked for a pack. Then I paid for it and took it, along with my jug of milk, to the car. Got in the car. I was in such great spirits! There were Christmas lights on all the houses up & down the street, and strung all over the fence in the town square (which is sort of a triangle). The black night was frosty but super clear — all the stars were shining.
I put the key in the ignition and then thought: What the fuck?! Why did I just do that? I don’t smoke.
I have not smoked in years! It was so wild. But I took them home anyway. I was just so happy to possess them again, even though they don’t look remotely the same as they used to:
You can see that the new packaging is super boring, but anyway.
So. On another topic altogether.
Here is a really cute photo of my great-niece. She is almost two years old. Her name is Stevie. I haven’t met her yet. She’s the granddaughter of the sister I don’t really get along with too well. In fact, I have never even met Stevie’s mom — my actual niece, my sister’s daughter. I was always sort of the persona non grata in that sister’s life because she found me maddeningly opinionated and a wee bit on the super-duper liberal side.
However, my mom and my other sister have always kept me abreast of my niece’s world and have always sent me photos. And so now my niece is married and has a daughter. (I have photos of the wedding, too, though I was not invited…) (I do get invited to funerals, though, so that’s really fun — you know, to be thought of when everybody’s feeling wretched and devastated…) Anyway, she’s a cutie!!
All righty!!
I’m getting super excited that Christmas is basically here. I’m guessing I’ll go on a diet on Thursday. I actually am getting really sick of chocolate. I’ve eaten so much of it in the past week. I’m so ready to be normal again — or my version of normal, which is really just wide open in every area of my life.
I’m gonna close this because I gotta scoot! I gotta take some stuff to the post office, and the post office here in Crazeysburg only stays open for a couple hours in the early morning, and then a couple hours in the mid-afternoon. And if I want my stuff to get anywhere before the end of the year, I gotta get to that post office post-haste!
Have a great Monday, wherever you are in the world and to wherever it takes you. Thanks for visiting! I love you guys! See ya!!
Marilyn's Room 