[UPDATE: Wow. Bob Dylan’s new song, “Murder Most Foul,” is incredible, gang. See below.]
Yes, gang! Here I am again. When I awoke this morning, I decided: What the heck — it just looks like more rain, so I think I’ll just stay home today!
My goodness. It is starting to feel a little endless.
I don’t mean any disrespect to any of my readers who might have the virus. I know for sure that a couple of you are quarantined in Europe with family members who do have the virus. So I don’t mean to be disrespectful of what any of my readers are going through. However, here in Muskingum County, we still have no confirmed cases of the virus (and a couple of the counties next to us that are also primarily farms do not have the virus), but of course the numbers from the urban areas all over Ohio go up daily and there are pockets of hysteria caused by the TV news media.
And here where I live, even while we’re also on Stay at Home orders, absolutely everything is exactly the same as it was.
So the strangeness of it all can get unbearable — the numbers of people getting sick, the amount of people dying, the news trying to get people to panic, it seems, since they don’t focus on any of the thousands of people getting tested here who aren’t sick — or even the daily listings in the online newspaper from the nearest city, how many people die there every day who don’t have the virus. You know, people are just dying anyway.
And still Crazeysburg is absolutely the same as before. It is hard to process.
So, I slept ten hours last night. That is just unheard of for me. I usually sleep about 5 or 6 hours. But I am trying not to get depressed. So, every time I awoke and felt those creepingly bad thoughts at the edges of my brain, I forced myself to go back to sleep and not let my brain go in that direction.
It seems to have worked. I’m in a much better frame of mind here this morning! And even though I overslept, I can’t really tell myself that “the day is half gone” because tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow [Is that one of the best soliloquy’s of all time??!! — Ed.] will more than take care of any time I think I might have lost by oversleeping this morning.
And all that oversleeping gave me the chance to have a really strange dream about Nick Cave — over and over and over. I kept bringing him the same 3 bottles of white wine. One at a time, I mean. One at a time, I kept bringing him 3 bottles of white wine. I don’t know what kind of wine it was — they were each in a Bordeaux-shaped bottle. Still corked. Ice cold and sweating. One time I actually brought an ice bucket. But other than that, it was just on repeat, forever it seemed.
I personally don’t like white wine. Plus, I’m not sure that he even drinks anymore in real life. So I have no clue what was going on with that endlessly repetitive dream. But there you have it: my rest-filled night.
Today is an Abstract Absurdity Productions day. I hope. It didn’t go so swimmingly on Tuesday. Our phone meeting lasted less than 2 minutes. And even while I am prone to exaggerate, I am not exaggerating at all about that. It was quick and brutal and awful.
So here’s hoping today is better. I really don’t want to go for the entire quarantine not working on Abstract Absurdity stuff with Peitor. But I also want to give everybody all the space they might need right now, since everyone in the big cities has so much more on their plate right now than I do.
Plus, I also need to find a way to turn off the many voices in my head these days, because it is really interfering with me being able to write anything at all worth keeping. The words come but they don’t feel very inspired, so I don’t keep them.
It’s something I really want to start working on, beginning today — tuning in to words that can be productive and creative right now, since God knows, I’ve got all the time in the world to work on everything.
If you’re a Bob Dylan fan, he dropped a new song during the night. I haven’t heard it yet. It is called “Murder Most Foul” and is available on all streaming platforms. It’s about the Kennedy assassination and is apparently 17 minutes long. I will check it out momentarily.
Meanwhile, I guess I will get started around here. I hope the day is good to you, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting, gang. I leave you with something appropriate for all this rain we’re getting here, as well as a sort of reminder that we’ve been through Hell before and we’re still here. Okay? (The great multitude of lyrics are in the video.) All righty! I love you guys. I might check in again later. We shall see!
You know, this morning, in my Inner Being dialogue journal thingy, my Inner Being informed me that there was no actual blueprint for my day.
This probably seems insane to you — that my Inner Being would even take the time to tell me something that seems like a no-brainer to anyone else on Earth. But my days are so intensely structured, day after day after day, that I do not have any clue how to simply relax and do nothing.
I absolutely do not know how to do this. I have no clue.
This stems from years and years and years of battling depression and suicidal tendencies and mental illness. Keeping myself on a productive schedule, forcing my mind to stay occupied with creative things, has literally kept me alive.
However, now that the whole world has come to a standstill, this rigid schedule is starting to have a little bit of an opposite effect — that whole “Groundhog Day” thing, where everything feels exactly the same as yesterday, and so I wake up each day, wondering whatNick Cave is wearing wondering what am I going to work on today, what am I going to have for breakfast, will I do yoga or Booty Core later, etc., and it all feels eerily the same.
Since I don’t want to inch even minutely in the direction of depression, my Inner Being apparently advised me to let go of the rigid structuring for a change of pace.
So, what might seem crazy to you, feels like a godsend to me!
And it occurred to me that maybe right now isn’t the best time to be working on In the Shadow of Narcissa, since it’s not something I want to post online anymore — or not regularly. And my blog readers really like erotica, so maybe I should just work on something erotic, that I can post online? Maybe something for Girl in the Night: Erotic Love Letters to the Muse?
So I’m thinking about that — about switching gears for today. (Or maybe even for the duration of the pandemic.)
And I also want to thank you guys who are buying my books right now, even the titles that are not on Smashwords and that are not on sale. I really appreciate that, since these are not new books.
And I am struggling with this idea of whether or not I should continue to self-publish, in order to get my new work in the pipeline sooner.
I honestly just don’t know. I chose to self-publish Freak Parade, after 5 years of publishers telling my agent that they couldn’t categorize an anti-hero like Eddie Ramirez, so how would they market it? When I self-published Freak Parade, it cost me a good chunk of money to hire someone to design the cover, hire the model, do the photo shoot, and then an editor to professionally format the text. But it did go on to take home the Silver Medal in its category at the Independent Publishers Awards at the Book Expo in NYC that year, so I was really, really proud of that. I was up against actual small presses.
I’m not going to attempt to self-publish if I can’t keep up those types of standards, and then I think: well, if I’m going to invest in that, why not just start my own small press again and publish other writers like me who can’t get small presses to reply to them anymore?
And, of course, the last time I did that, I wound up in Federal Court, looking at prison time and enormous fines…. (Thank God for the ACLU. I really mean that.)
So, as you can guess, it is not an easy decision for me to make, but it’s in my mix of thoughts during the day. And I know it’s simple to format/publish eBooks. I could have Blessed By Light published later today if I wanted only that. But I don’t. I know Blessed By Light is a strange book — it’s just a man talking for 186 pages. But I still think it’s a beautiful book. And I also think it’s a book.
Okay, well, Peitor and I texted a bit last night regarding some Abstract Absurdity Productions stuff and I thought I would share this with you!
No! It is not another new logo — instead, I draw your attention to “our girls.” These are the women who work in our office — they are the power behind Abstract Absurdity Productions who actually get things done!! (We just love these girls!! They lived & loved & worked in Paris in the 1920s. We have no idea who they were, but they live again in our offices!!)
Aren’t they great??!!
More good news!! I was informed during the night that, because I had pre-ordered Nick Cave’s new art book, Stranger Than Kindness, on Amazon UK, I actually saved money on the final price. So a book that was going to originally cost me $17 million US Dollars, actually came to just under $30 when it was all said and done! So, pre-ordering the book saved me $16,999,970 US dollars. Quite a significant savings, if you ask me!
(I just can’t wait to get the book! I saw on Instagram that people in Europe began getting their copies in Monday’s mail.)
And speaking of Instagram — whether or not you follow me there, my current Instagram posts are always visible here on the blog. If you follow my blog on a computer and not a phone, that is. That weird photo today is of a bald eagle feeding a baby eaglet in its nest yesterday! I was actually trying to copy video footage but it came out as a still photo and you can’t really see what it is. But it was taken in a park over in Granville yesterday.
I was so excited to see that. The people in Granville have worked really, really hard to bring back the population of eagles in the parks over there. (By the way — the header at the top of my blog, with the autumn leaves and the church spires — that is Granville. Not Crazeysburg.) (Granville is a really beautiful small town — and a very expensive one!! It’s 25 miles from where I live. And even though it is a small town, it is still 5 times larger than Crazeysburg.) (My friend Kara lives there.)
Okay.
Nick Cave sent out a Red Hand Files letter this morning. As you can maybe guess, it dealt with the virus and Life these days. You can read what he said at the link there. It is, as always, very compassionately stated.
Today, it is going to be sunny and mild here in Crazeysburg. Later today, I will more than likely open a window or two so that the cats can get a better look at all the many birds flying hither and yon — still just starlings and robins, mostly. But there are a lot of them!
And it’s a Booty Core day, so I’ll be doing that later, too. And then I’ll be figuring out what I feel like writing, because I have been informed by sources who are in the position to know these things — that my day does not have a blueprint I need to follow or anything. So we’ll just see!
Have a very good Wednesday, wherever you are in the world, gang. Thanks for visiting! Stay hopeful. Don’t let your mind drift to the dark places. Stay creative, in whatever ways that speaks to you, okay? Or maybe just take a nap. Or four. Or seven…
I leave you with my breakfast-listening music from this morning! One of the few Bee Gees songs that is actually really uplifting and not sad at all! “More than A Woman.” It is a really joyful song that I have some great memories of being a wee frisky 17-year-old girl attached to. (I actually did know some really wonderful guys in high school — crazy, insane, funny, kind.) The song was a huge hit during my senior year in high school, when the movie Saturday Night Fever was the most popular movie at the box office. (I think I saw the movie about 5 times — back then, movies hung around in the theaters and played for months so you could always go back and see them, usually for $1.) Enjoy, gang. I love you guys. See ya!
“More Than A Woman” (from “Saturday Night Fever” soundtrack)
Oh, girl I’ve known you very well
I’ve seen you growing everyday
I never really looked before
But now you take my breath away
Suddenly you’re in my life
Part of everything I do
You got me working day and night
Just trying to keep a hold on you
Here in your arms I found my paradise
My only chance for happiness
And if I lose you now I think I would die
Oh say you’ll always be my baby
We can make it shine, we can take forever
Just a minute at a time
More than a woman, more than a woman to me
More than a woman, more than a woman to me
More than a woman, oh, oh, oh.
There are stories old and true
Of people so in love like you and me
And I can see myself
Let history repeat itself
Reflecting how I feel for you
Thinking about those people then
I know that in a thousand years
I’d fall in love with you again
This is the only way that we should fly
This is the only way to go
And if I lose your love I know I would die
Oh say you’ll always be my baby
We can make it shine, we can take forever
Just a minute at a time
More than a woman, more than a woman to me
More than a woman, more than a woman to me
More than a woman, oh, oh, oh
The good news of course is that China is out of lockdown now and, as predicted recently by the US showbiz news sites, movie theaters there have begun to re-open. Life is getting back to normal there.
In the rest of the world, now 96% of all confirmed cases are considered mild, and 103,395 people have recovered (as of 3/24/2020).
And even my dad said on the phone yesterday that he’s trying to keep the TV off, so miracles are happening everywhere!
I need to regale you with the new coffee mug that’s on its way to me!! It reads: “I like pretty things and the word Fuck”
Just in time for Spring, right??
Also, I was informed over the weekend that my copy of Stranger Than Kindness, the companion book to the currently postponed Nick Cave art exhibition in Copenhagen is on its way to me!! I’m really excited, gang.
They sent me a photo of my book on the actual boat it was loaded on to, so I feel very encouraged that it will reach Crazeysburg sometime this year!
Slow boat from China, bringing me my much anticipated Nick Cave art book! You can’t see it too clearly here, but that guy way over to the far left, is holding up my book!
Once more, I apologize if you’re viewing this post on your phone and the images are skewing the text. I really don’t know why it sometimes does that now.
Anyway!
Today, of course, is Abstract Absurdity Productions day. I believe we are working on the synopsis today, perhaps even the pitch deck, for “Lita måste gå!” (aka “Lita’s Got to Go!”). (It actually does have those 2 titles, which is why I always post it like that.)
I have not resumed work on the web site in the past few days, just because: a.) I didn’t have all the information I needed yet; and b.) it was making me fucking crazy.
I still have the handy-dandy “To-Do” list posted on the wall in front of my laptop, though, which lists everything that still needs doing on the web site. But the good news is that I am now able to completely overlook that list, 24/7. My eyes can look right at the list and yet not transfer any of the information that’s on it to my brain. Almost as if the list no longer exists!! Yay!!
I did manage to nail down the structure I needed for In the Shadow of Narcissa yesterday. I’m not sure why it was being so elusive, but I’ve got it now and I hope that now I can just move forward with writing the rest of the pieces for the chapbook.
Sadly, I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep posting the pieces to my Narcissa web site — or, at least, not all of them. The book pirating problem being what it is now, I don’t want the entire chapbook available online before the book even gets published, you know? (I’ve already seen signs that the existing pieces have already been illegally copied overseas.) But if/when I do post excerpts, I’ll let you know about it here on this site.
And you can always sign up for updates directly through the Narcissa site. (Scroll to bottom.)
And just in case you were curious, it has been nearly one year since quite a few small presses have had my query and/or manuscript regarding my novel Blessed by Light, and only one publisher has responded (and that one publisher responded immediately, said they loved it, but that it was too short for them to publish). Not a single other small press has responded at all. Narry a peep.
So different from the old days before the financial crash, when small presses gave you a yay or nay, usually from an actual person, within 6 weeks. (And plus nowadays, you often have to use “submittable” to submit your query/manuscript, which means you have to pay for them to read it and not reply to you forever.)
Meanwhile, on we go!!
All righty, gang! Thanks for visiting!! Have a terrific Tuesday, wherever you are in the world. I hope you’re continuing to find great ways to enjoy your lockdown. (I’m still streaming re-runs of DCI Banks in the evenings.) Remember to stay fit and eat right and do the things that will help you keep your spirits up!! Keep in mind: just a few more weeks of this and then we’ll all be looking at just another few more weeks of this!!! And then – SUMMER!!!!
Okay. I leave you with my breakfast-listening music from this morning, “Get Ready for Love” from Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds’ truly incredible 2004 double-album, Abattoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus. (It’s kind of unfortunate, though, that they released a double-album that has two titles that are kind of hard to spell…) But enjoy, gang, and play it loud. I love you guys. See ya!!
“Get Ready For Love”
Get ready for love! Praise Him!
Get ready for love! Praise Him!
Get ready for love! Get ready!
Well, most of all nothing much
ever really happens
And God rides high up in the ordinary sky
Until we find ourselves at our most distracted
And the miracle that was promised
creeps quietly by
Calling every boy and girl
Calling all around the world
Calling every boy and girl
Calling all around the world
Get ready for love! Praise Him!
Get ready for love! Praise Him!
The mighty wave their hankies from their
high-windowed palace
Sending grief and joy down in supportable doses
And we search high and low without
mercy or malice
While the gate to the Kingdom swings
shut and closes
Calling every boy and girl
Calling all around the world
Calling every boy and girl
Calling all around the world
Praise Him till you’ve forgotten
what you’re praising Him for
Praise Him till you’ve forgotten
what you’re praising Him for
Then praise Him a little more
Okay, you guys. You honestly make me laugh — I’m not being facetious, either.
Even bludgeoning you with free literary stuff does not deter your desire for — I don’t know, what should we call it: porn? (I hate to call it porn.)
Anyway. You continue to avoid free downloads of Twilight of the Immortal like a plague, and still go straight for the (intensely old already) early erotica and Freak Parade — at 60% off. (See this morning’s post.)
Honestly, when I saw that, it just made me laugh. I tried so darn hard to entice you! But it’s all good — because I wrote all of it.
Anyway. The BIG news is:
Peitor and I finally finished the script for “Lita måste gå!” (aka “Lita’s Got to Go!”). I am so serious!! It’s done!
It comes to 19 and a half pages, and will run between 8 to 10 minutes, and took us 15 months to write. But it is done. And I think it’s going to be beautiful and confounding and absurd.
And I hate to have to admit that I got a little testy toward the end there today, but I did. And I really, really tried hard not to go in that direction, but there was a shot toward the end that I really wanted — that we’d discussed last year sometime — and it looked like it was going to bite the dust.
I don’t usually get adamant about any of the shots. But once in a blue moon, a shot will just feel really important to me. So at least for now, it’s in the script. It might not actually work on film, but we’ll see.
And in the meantime, it is done!!
So next, we do the synopsis and then the pitch deck, and then we wait for the entire world to come out of quarantine…
I’m still working on the new web site. The basics are there, but a lot of the actual information has to be typed in. So it’s still kind of on schedule, even though there’s no urgency right now, because of the virus.
New topic.
Luckily, today it rained really, really hard for quite an extended period and when I went into my downstairs bathroom, I discovered a good deal of the ceiling down on the floor. Along with a great big bunch of water.
Stellar homeowner that I am, I went straight to the cats and told them to fix it… It quickly descended into chaos so I might have to fix it myself. We’ll see.
Meanwhile…
I’m gonna go get on zoom now and listen to those new plays on Fresh Ink, coming out of Toronto, Canada. Have a wonderful Friday night, wherever you are in the world, gang, okay? I love you guys. See ya!
Here, it is raining –we even had a bona fide thunderstorm during the night. The temperature is supposed to go up to nearly 70 degrees Fahrenheit by this afternoon — and then plunge down to about 28 degrees by tomorrow morning!!
So, yeah. Spring.
But I’m happy!
Before I forget, in honor of everyone being stuck at home all over the world, I’m participating in a month-long special sale at Smashwords. All of my Muse Revisited titles are 60% off. So is Freak Parade. And Twilight of the Immortal is absolutely free!
But you have to purchase them through Smashwords to get the discount, not Amazon or iTunes, or any of the other outlets that sell my eBooks. However, Smashwords gives you the option to download the eBook in any format you need.
I chose to make Twilight of the Immortal free because it is probably the best book I’ve ever written, but because it isn’t erotica, almost no one buys it. I honestly think I’ve sold less than 1000 copies of this novel. And it’s been in print since 2010 (it came out first on a very small press, then I got the rights back and published it myself electronically because the publisher had filled it with typos that enraged me.)
But anyway, it’s been in print for 10 years now and no one buys it and it’s a great book, but it’s not erotic. No explicit anal sex or fellatio or anything — although anal sex and fellatio are heavily implied in many passages…
For instance:
After Valentino has died (at the peak of his fame), Rosemary, the novel’s protagonist, returns to Hollywood to marry her best friend, Mitch. Mitch is a very successful movie producer but he is notoriously gay in an era when it is still illegal to be gay and the Government is cracking down on any suspiciously single men employed by the movie studios (this is fact). Rosemary recalls the final days she spent with Rudolph Valentino, after his notorious divorce, while she was employed as his “assistant”:
I drank the champagne down. The bubbles seeped into my veins and made tiny explosions all up and down my spine. Rodolfo; it was the name he’d been born with, that he preferred to the Americanized “Rudolph.” The moment had finally come where he’d told me to call him Rodolfo and so I did. He whispered in Italian, “Abbi coraggio.” Then more closely, right in my ear because now we were in bed together, naked, he said, “Be brave.” It had sounded so tender, so bewitching, and so erotically compelling that I could not resist him; I leaned down in the dark and did what I’d seen the boys do. In truth, I’d had no idea what I was doing and I didn’t care. I didn’t want to resist him; I was so glad that Natacha was gone, at last. I knew life was spiraling downward; I couldn’t ignore the hypnotic pull of his private hell. I was trapped in it, too, like it was quicksand. He was miserable, lonely, aching without her. I was clumsy but I tried to fill the space. Mostly there were men everywhere filling up his nights and days, not just with erotic favors but with polo, endless games of it; Rudy loved his horses. And there was also Pola Negri, but she was only acting a part and grasping at more and more fame, ensuring she was on Rudy’s arm whenever the cameras came out. I wasn’t competing with her; a rising star. I wasn’t competing with anybody. I just wanted my moment in the sun. His sun — I wanted to bask in his attention finally. But I overplayed my hand and, for me, the sun only shone after midnight when the lights were out, when the decent world was dark and the house was otherwise empty.
Or here, where Rosemary’s soon-to-be (gay) husband is informing his lover, Jim, that he’s being tossed to the curb because, in order to save his career, Mitch is marrying Rosemary:
The raised voices on the patio grew more heated. I tried to focus on the golden bubbles bursting at the rim of my wine glass and block out what the voices were saying, but it was next to impossible. “How convenient,” Jim practically shrieked, as if to doubly-ensure I could hear him. “A girl like that is almost as good as the real thing, isn’t she, Mitch? Everyone knows it — what she was up to with Valentino. It was all over Hollywood. With a girl like her, just turn out the lights and you’ll never notice the difference.”
So, yeah, there’s anal sex in the novel, too, but it’s not explicit at all.
There’s tons of lesbian sex in it, too, although back then they were called Saphhists. A lot of those scenes are between the young Rosemary and the true love of her life, the very poor, very abused, very worldly, very Irish Molly McClellan, who works as a Dresser for Alla Nazimova, who was called “Madame” (and who, in case you don’t know the name, was, at one point, one of the most famous actresses in the world and a totally “out” lesbian):
Molly waited expectantly for me to finish what I was saying, but I knew I was lying, or at the very least embellishing what had happened. “Go on,” she encouraged me. “Spill it; what did she tell you?”
“Nothing, just that… I don’t know — someday.”
“Ah, go on, Rosie. She’s practically thirty-eight; you’re just a kid.”
“Not anymore I’m not,” I warned her. “I’ve done things now.”
“Oh, and what have you done?”
“Plenty.”
“I mean, that a woman like Madame would like? Have you been to the lady doctors yet?”
“What lady doctors?”
“The midwives down on Broadway.”
“Why would I go to a midwife? I’m not having a baby.”
“It’s not for girls who are having babies, you ninny who thinks she knows everything. It’s a code word. These midwives cure hysteria; they do things to you with their hands. Things you wouldn’t believe.”
“Like what?”
“They pull up your skirt and take down your drawers, for one thing, and they touch you down there and make you feel things with their hands — until your eyes roll up in your head.”
She had my attention there; that was certain. I’d never been anywhere where a midwife had done a thing like that to me. “Oh, I don’t believe you,” I said.
“What’s not to believe? How do you think I learned what I know? How do you think I make Madame so happy with me?”
“Well, then I’ll go, too. I’ll learn.”
“You can’t. They don’t just let you in. I knew a woman who worked at one of those places, so I got in. Besides, you’re not old enough, so just give up your dreaming.”
“I’m going to be eighteen soon.”
“And when might that be?” Naked now, Molly slipped under the bed covers; apparently she wasn’t going to wear a nightgown.
“Summer,” I said.
“Summer?” She laughed at me again. “That’s, like, years away.”
“Well, what of it? Regardless, I’m not a kid anymore.”
“You mean because you’ve done it with a man? That makes you grown?”
“Yes,” I said bravely, knowing we were inching onto a topic I didn’t want to discuss with her.
“Boy, have you got a lot to learn. Come on ‘old lady’; turn off the lamp, why don’t you, and come to bed.”
I was annoyed with her; she knew everything it seemed. Still, I was freezing and wanted the warmth of the bed. From somewhere downstairs, I could hear the Victrola playing. I slid under the heavy eiderdown next to Molly and said quietly, “Aren’t they ever going to go home?”
“Better get used to it, is what I’m thinking. Some nights, Madame and her friends don’t go to sleep at all. It’s mostly those actresses she knows; they never sleep.”
“They’re awfully loud. I can hear that music all the way up here.”
“That’s because they’re right underneath us — they’re in Madame’s bedroom now. And when the Victrola winds down, you can hear other things.”
“What other things?” I whispered, snuggling close to her mostly because I was still so cold.
“Guess,” she said slyly.
“Oh no,” I said. “We’re going to have to listen to that?”
“We could always drown them out, you know — go at it like a couple of alley cats ourselves.” She worked her hand up under my flannel nightgown. I was still annoyed with her, but for the time being, I let her do it. “How does that sound, Rosie; want to give it a go?”
I didn’t answer her. I was too entranced by her fingers…
Plus, the novel is 600 pages long — however, if you want something to just get lost in until the quarantine is lifted, then this book could help you do that. And even though it is many pages, most people say that the book is hard to put down. Especially once Rosemary — our heroine — gets to Hollywood in 1918 and eventually starts working for Mr. & Mrs. Rudolph Valentino. Then the book races almost unstoppably to its tragic (but sort of uplifting) end.
Most people who take the time to read this book, end up loving it. However, if you are one of those few people left in the world who honestly believed that Rudolph Valentino was heterosexual, then you will despise this book.
I researched all of it as best I could, hampered by it being nearly 100 years after the fact, and came to my own decision that when Valentino fell for a woman, he fell hard — and she was always a very worldly and beautiful woman, and usually very destructive to his reputation and his career. And when he wasn’t in love with a woman, he hung out exclusively with groups of men who were known in Hollywood to be homosexuals.
So, you know, you do the math. (Today, he would probably be called non-binary.)
A couple of reader reviews to gently bludgeon you over the head with how good this novel is:
“As soon as I read this quote attributed to Valentino: ‘Observe, Rosemary, how in Hollywood there is no difference between a knife and a smile,’ I knew for sure that I had found a gem! Twilight of the Immortal is both beautifully written and an engaging romp… Marilyn Jaye Lewis captures Valentino’s essence, the allure that endeared him to millions of fans. There is not one false step in this book. All the details are meticulously researched … I give it five stars!”
“Unlike her previous books, this is NOT erotica! This is a serious novel that should be enjoyed by the general public. The story is captivating. The characters are very strong and the book is hard to put down.”
Another thing that might of interest during your quarantine — Soulpepper Theater Co in Toronto is hosting a live webcast of playwrights reading their newest plays. The program is called Fresh Ink, and you can listen free, online, 4:30 PM today, Eastern (NY) time. Visit here and listen for free. (You will need to download Zoom at the link.)
All righty!!
I actually have to work with Peitor this morning on Abstract Absurdity Productions stuff, so I’m gonna scoot! I hope you’re able to make the best of your house arrest, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting, gang! I might come back later and do a real — non-promotional sort of post. God knows, I’ll be here! Okay. I love you guys. See ya!
Valentino sees his wife, Natacha, off at the Los Angeles train station. However, they are merely posing for press photographers here. In truth, unknown to the world yet, they are divorcing and this will be the final time they lay eyes on each other. Valentino will die soon after the divorce, at the age of 31. In this photo, the incredibly famous husband & wife pair despise each other, but you’d never know it. Such is fame & Hollywood…
Just no way do you get to tell me what to fucking do! Yay!
That’s pretty much the attitude of most of the people who live in Ohio, which is of course why so many people (moi aussi) continued to congregate in groups way larger than 50 until the Governor had to step in and issue actual mandates that forced people (like me) to not only stay home but to not even be allowed to vote. Wow. Talk about getting your privileges suspended…
So when the number of confirmed cases of the virus basically doubled overnight in the State, it was not a surprise to me at all, not in any way whatsoever, so I have to wonder how come “officials” found this leap “startling”?
I love when the “people in charge” have no real clue what the “people they are in charge of” are doing.
(A good example of that, you know, was when Trump won the Presidency. A lot of people in Ohio voted for him. I know it won’t shake you to your very core to learn that I did not vote for Trump. But, still, he won. And in my opinion, he’s the President of the United States. Because people voted for him. I know for a fact that they did. And it’s why I’m so sick of the Democrats because they spent the past 4 years submerged in this infantile outcry, stamping their little feet, wasting everybody’s time & money, trying to remove him from his elected position, rather than spending all that time & money making America great again in ways that were more in keeping with their own beliefs about America.) (Which is why, in my opinion, America is a great country– you’re legally allowed to have whatever opinion you want and you’re allowed to publicly say whatever you want to about the President without fearing for your very life and liberty. And it’s odd how so many people who are not Democrats tend to see that fact really clearly and so they continue to vote in that direction.)
Anyway. No one has died from Covid 19 yet in the State of Ohio. But we are up to 67 confirmed cases. Way more than Kentucky and Indiana have, combined. So, on we go.
It will, alas, perhaps come as no surprise to you to learn that my table-read in NYC for Tell My Bones has ground to a thorough and complete halt. So much so, that the director of my play texted me last night to say he was flying back to Ohio first thing this morning to spend the Spring and Summer here in his mansion on the hill. He will be here until late August, just to get clear of NYC and the virus there. (Here in Muskingum County and also in the county where the director has his other home, there are so far no known cases of the virus.)
So the table-read in April is one less thing I have to do. And then that Literary Arts Fair in June that I backed out of because of planning to go to Zurich to make new friends and see Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, means two less things that I have to do.
And of course I scan the Nick Cave web site daily for any indication whatsoever that he might be postponing the European start of the Ghosteen Tour, and so far he his hanging tough — the only one in the world who is, actually. But that might be a third thing I won’t be doing this Spring/Summer if he does end up postponing the tour.
And of course the meeting with the TV streaming platform for Abstract Absurdity Productions in LA has been postponed until after the international quarantine is lifted. So that’s another thing that I won’t be doing this Spring. Although, for now, the film shoots will still be happening in Los Angeles this summer.
Sandra called last night and we chatted for quite awhile. Yesterday, the production of “Chicago” that she’s been rehearsing up in Stratford, Canada got closed down and so she will be back in Rhinebeck by Monday. (So, now that her schedule will be indescribably free for the table-read of Tell My Bones, there isn’t going to be one until the Fall.)
The only thing that remains in place for me, career-wise, is that our other play is still slated for production in Canada at the end of this year. And this sudden freed-up schedule for both Sandra and me, means that we can tackle some of those massive re-writes for that other play. And we’re both feeling really excited about that. We’ll probably just do it on Skype; I’m not planning to go back to NYC now before the Fall. But I’m still feeling really excited about getting back to work with her on that play.
So, all those things that I was worrying about having to do all at once, have now basically entirely disappeared.
And now all I have in front of me yet again is time to sit at my desk and write.
I made some progress with my broken heart during the night. Turned a little corner. Release people to what they need in their own lives and just open up my strange little path and embrace whatever comes along on it.
I’m not able to stop loving someone once I love them, but I am able to find a different place for it inside and then keep going.
Listening to the Bee Gees of course while you have a broken heart is never a good idea. We all know this. It is a documented fact that it only makes your heart break more. And yet, I guess I’m an Ohio girl after all, because I’ve been listening to the Bee Gees “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” pretty much non-stop for a few days. (That’s correct: No one in the universe is the boss of me. I will listen to the Bee Gees if I so choose!!!)
You know, I don’t ever want to be Albatross-y to anyone, least of all, to someone I love. So I have been trying really hard to keep myself contained (in a non-Covid 19 type of way, of course, because when it comes to the virus, I want to be sure to interact closely with everyone imaginable, until the Governor himself steps in and says, “No, no, no! Bad dog!! Bad, bad dog!! Now you have to stay in your little pen and you don’t get to vote!!”).
Anyway. I’m trying to sublimate whatever I’m feeling and turn it into something that can have it’s own beauty and go out into the world in other, more acceptable ways. It’s why I’m a writer, I guess.
And last night, lights out. Dark bedroom. Shattered little heart that I was trying once more to get a grip on. Suddenly, loud and plain as day, I hear singing — music. It was so familiar to me. But it was coming from somewhere inside me.
And I thought: What is that? I know that song.
And I suddenly realized it was the chorus from Tom Petty’s song, “You & Me.” Which happens to be the last song that Tom Petty actually listened to before he died. (According to his wife, Dana, who was there with him on the bed, watching the video on YouTube, and then later he had the heart attack and did not recover.)
But it’s also a song that I really love and that man who died a couple of summers ago used to indulge me and even while he also liked Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers a lot (he was older than me, but we were in the same generation, music-wise). Anyway, we played Tom Petty songs almost exclusively while he was here in this very room with me, making a whole lot of love (before he, too, died).
So “You & Me” is a powerhouse of potential heartbreak for me, but when I suddenly realized that it was the song coming through the ether to me last night, I grabbed my phone from the night table and streamed “You & Me” on repeat. And almost instantaneously, the energy, spirit, whatever you call it, of the now-dead guy that I loved was all over me. There was so much joy. It was like a tidal wave of it, all over me in that bed.
I knew he was with me. I could almost see him, you know? Almost. And he was just filled with joy and I couldn’t help but be swept up into it, too. And even though I don’t actually “hear” voices, I feel his voice pretty loudly inside me. I can hear/feel the words. They were undeniably him and he told me stuff that was just filled with love. So much love. And he also said, “You gotta leave that guy alone now, Marilyn. Remember the boundaries.”
He actually said that. And then I fell dead asleep — if you’ll excuse the weird pun. At one point, I remember that I turned off the music on my phone. But I slept 8 whole hours. I haven’t done that in a couple of weeks, really.
So I’m feeling better, you know? Love in the Time of Cholera and all that aside — I am feeling better. And so on we go, right, gang?
You know of course what I am leaving you with today! Enjoy it. Celebrate it. Rejoice, even. Thanks for visiting. I love you guys. See ya!
“You And Me”
Take a look
At what I got
I can’t promise
You a lot
But you and me
And the road ahead
I can’t save
You from yourself
You gotta want it
All that’s left
Is you and me
And the road ahead
Wherever that wind might blow
Wherever that river rolls
You know I will go with you
Lookin’ over
The mountain’s crown
The water roars
And tumbles down
Like you and me
And the road ahead
Wherever that wind might blow
Wherever that river rolls
You know I will go with you
Happy 7th & 8th birthdays to my many beloved cats!
They’re happy here and festive today, even while they have nowhere to go and pandemic viruses to keep well clear of.
Still, they are partying hard, as usual!!
A reasonable facsimile. It is not actually sunny here today! And we don’t even live in that house anymore! Plus, I have 5 other cats who aren’t pictured here!!
Well, yesterday, I suddenly felt the overwhelming desire to focus on In the Shadow of Narcissa and maybe even finish writing it during this period of global house arrest caused by a virus.
And then suddenly, early this morning, I got word that the web site for AbstractAbsurdityProductions is finally ready for me to begin working on. Wouldn’t you know it?
I’m going to try to split my time between the two projects, though. We’ll see. I will meet with Peitor over the phone for several hours this afternoon. We are hoping to finish the “Lita” script, or get close to finishing it. We are on the final scene. (I know, even under house arrest, when I should be taking a sort of “enforced vacation,” I still have too much to do.)
I went to vote this morning, only to discover my polling place was closed. So there we have it. A true pandemic. I can’t even exercise my right to vote.
And today will likely go down as the quietest St. Paddy’s Day in the known history of the Christian world.
Sorry. This is sort of a weird, convoluted, short post. I keep getting interrupted here. And I’ve got way too much on my mind right now. Perhaps I will post an update later!
Meanwhile, thanks for stopping by for cake & ice cream!! I love you guys. See ya.
Well, the Governor of this lofty State, as of last evening, mandated that all gathering places such as bars and restaurants all over Ohio are to be closed down, as he attempts to force stubborn people to stay home.
This means that me and my beloved Granville Inn — my home away from home, 25 miles from here — must part company for a while.
(Yes, I confess — I was there Saturday night with tons of other people and no less than 6 flat screen TVs, with the sound off, giving moment-by-moment updates of the National Emergency and the world-wide pandemic.)(To be fair, though, I was super paranoid about not touching my face and I washed my hands a lot…)
So, anyway, now I’m home for the duration. And instead of sitting at my desk and working almost all of the time, I am now going to sit at my desk and work all the time.
After I got word of the Governor’s mandate last evening, I figured I’d better force myself to drive into the other town (19 miles away) to get the upcoming week’s groceries. Just get it over with and then force myself to stay at home. (Although tomorrow is voting day and I can’t imagine not voting…)
I was bracing myself for a catastrophe inside the market — I had heard already that all the big super market chains had empty shelves and were out of food. However, the little market I shop at — that has tons of organic produce, etc. — still had plenty of food. And none of the shoppers there appeared to be in the throes of hoarding stuff.
The store was only out of 2 things that I normally buy (and I thought it was interesting that they were out of these specific items in this pandemic of shopping mania): the specific dark chocolate I like — and so I was forced to buy a type of dark chocolate that comes from Austria, instead, and that actually tastes better than what I usually buy and is indescribably delicious (meaning, it contains more sugar and less cocoa), so I’m going to be forced to eat delicious chocolate this week. And they were out of the organic pomegranate juice that I buy. Instead, I had to buy organic pomegranate juice that is blended with organic tart cherry and red grape juices (which, of course, tastes better than the pure stuff — but I drink the pure stuff for post-menopausal hormonal reasons, not because I like it). But, clearly, a lot of suffering is underway here…
And then, on the way back into Crazeysburg, I stopped at the dollar store to buy more tea tree essential oil and 25 pounds of cat litter, both of which they had plenty of (I have tried to warn you that my life is just super glamorous, gang), and then I thought — in a sort of somewhat hoarding sort of vein — that maybe I should just buy another carton of Breyer’s all natural vanilla bean ice cream — you know, in case I need to ponder excessively during the crack down and run out of the 1 and a 1/2 cartons I already have in my freezer. And to my dismay, I discovered that apparently everyone in Crazeysburg shares my taste in ice cream because they were all out of only that flavor. (I bought Breyer’s Neapolitan as my back-up instead.)
But I found that just so funny, you know? In the midst of all this utterly insane stupefyingly crazy shopping stuff that’s going on all over America now, the only things I couldn’t obtain were organic Pomegranate juice, high-cocoa-content dark chocolate, and boring Breyer’s all natural vanilla bean ice cream.
This means that there are people out here in the Hinterlands who are exactly like me and yet I don’t know a single one of them!
Well, the update on the web work for Abstract Absurdity Productions got even more bizarre. I did hear back from one of the “Happiness Engineers” yesterday (far short of the 24-48 hour estimated time frame) and she took care of the problem that I was having at WordPress, and then I was able to go back over to GoDaddy and discover that the problem they had allegedly fixed for me there on Saturday was now even worse. So, an hour and a half on the phone with tech support took care of that problem (for real, this time). And I was able to go back to my “Happiness Engineer” at WordPress and finish up everything there.
And then she happily informed me that we were all good to go and that within 5 to 7 days, I could complete the site set up.
Oh my god. You know? In case you can’t do the math on that, that’s, like, an entire week. I mean, the whole world has shut down, so it’s not like there’s any rush or anything, but it just boggles my mind.
Plus, it’s embarrassing to have to keep giving Peitor these ridiculous updates every day because I know that he must be privately thinking that I don’t really know how to set up a web site and that it’s just my foolish pride that’s preventing me from admitting it.
Well, anyway. I have a full tank of gas in my car that only cost me $1.83 per gallon. And I have all my groceries, and all the cat food and cat litter we need around here, and plenty of ice cream to try to mend my broken heart with — and I have absolutely no place to go and no web work that I can do. So I’m guessing I’ll get a lot of my own writing done this week.
We can only hope. Although my phone informed me yesterday that I’m spending way too much time on Instagram now. I usually have about 3 hours of screen time on my phone each week, but yesterday, my phone informed me that last week, I had 19 hours of screen time!! Jesus Christ. That is just stupid. I gotta stop. It only leads to heartache anyway. (For instance, I used to love that song “Love Letter” by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds and now I never want to hear it again, ever, as long as I live, ever, and even beyond forever, because of something I scrolled my way on to on Instagram a few dawns ago. Stupid stuff like that.)
Okay. I guess I’ll get started here. Have a good Monday, wherever you are in this pandemic-filled world. Find something peaceful to contemplate. Find something to follow that leads you in the direction of joy. Thanks for visiting, gang. I leave you with my little soundtrack to have your heart broken by, as we barrel ever-onward towards Spring. I love you guys. See ya!
“Swinging Doors”
This old smoke-filled bar is something I’m not used to
But I gave up my home to see you satisfied
And I just called to let you know where I’ll be living
It’s not much but I feel welcome here inside
And I’ve got swinging doors a jukebox and a bar stool
And my new home has a flashing neon sign
Stop by and see me anytime you want to
Cause I’m always here at home till closing time
I’ve got everything I need to drive me crazy
I’ve got everything it takes to lose my mind
And in here the atmosphere’s just right for heartaches
And thanks to you I’m always here till closing time
And I’ve got swinging doors a jukebox and a bar stool
And my new home has a flashing neon sign
Stop by and see me anytime you want to
Cause I’m always here at home till closing time
You’re going to think I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about when I say I’ve been building web sites for myself since 1997.
However, I have managed to come upon yet another annoying glitch with the set-up of the Abstract Absurdity Productions website (I guess I’m just hellbent on embodying the “Absurdity” aspect of this project), that the WordPress “Happiness Engineers” assure me they can address within the next 24-48 hours.
Honestly. I am so fucking serious.
I’m, like: you’re kidding me, right??!!
Jesus.
So here I sit, on a rather chilly but very sunny Sunday, with all this web work to do and I yet again cannot do any of it.
So, what I did instead was sat at my kitchen table and tried to come up with some enormous reserves of will power to not write to this person that I said I wouldn’t write to anymore.
And when I opened to the Table of Contents, I discovered many little asterisks next to many of the poems, and I suddenly recalled that when I was 17, I was writing a one-person play and that the dialogue consisted of nothing but poems by Langston Hughes.
Don’t you find that really interesting? I kind of do. I remember that I worked really hard on it but that, eventually, I felt like I was in over my head and I gave up.
And as I opened the book to each poem that had an asterisk — lo! these 43 years later — it was so interesting to see that all the words came back to me, like they were etched in my brain.
And it was also really interesting to see the poems I had selected for the play. Because even though, when I’d re-read them today on the page and felt I had them memorized somewhere deep inside me, at first, I hadn’t recalled any of these poems. For instance, this extremely interesting one for my 17-year-old white self:
Ruby Brown
She was young and beautiful
And golden like the sunshine
That warmed her body.
And because she was colored
Mayville had no place to offer her,
Nor fuel for the clean flame of joy
That tried to burn within her soul.
One day,
Sitting on old Mrs. Latham’s back porch
Polishing the silver,
She asked herself two questions
And they ran something like this:
What can a colored girl do
On the money from a white woman’s kitchen?
And ain’t there any joy in this town?
Now the streets down by the river
Know more about this pretty Ruby Brown,
And the sinister shuttered houses of the bottoms
Hold a yellow girl
Seeking an answer to her questions.
The good church folk do not mention
Her name any more.
But the white men,
Habitués of the high shuttered houses,
Pay more money to her now
Than they ever did before,
When she worked in their kitchens. (Langston Hughes)
Or how about this one:
To Artina
I will take your heart.
I will take your soul out of your body
As though I were God.
I will not be satisfied
With the touch of your hand
Nor the sweet of your lips alone.
I will take your heart for mine.
I will take your soul.
I will be God when it comes to you. (Langston Hughes)
I don’t know, I found that just really interesting. Apparently, when I was 17 I was already exactly how I am now — the things that matter to me, I mean. They still move me, they still matter.
And then I even recalled vividly that the opening to my play was this poem (and I still think it makes a great opening for a one-person play):
Harlem Night Song
Come,
Let us roam the night together
Singing.
I love you.
Across
The Harlem roof-tops
Moon is shining.
Night sky is blue.
Stars are great drops
Of golden dew.
Down the street
A band is playing.
I love you.
Come,
Let us roam the night together
Singing. (Langston Hughes)
Well, perhaps I’ll work on that play again sometime. I probably won’t be in over my head anymore. And I did indeed find the poem I was actually looking for — hard to believe it’s a poem retrieved from my wee bonny 17-year-old girlhood. I leave you with it, gang!
Beale Street
The dream is vague
And all confused
With dice and women
And jazz and booze.
The dream is vague
Without a name,
Yet warm and wavering
And sharp as flame.
The loss
Of the dream
Leaves nothing
The same. (Langston Hughes)
Okay, you know, I usually don’t like this blog to be about current events because you can get enough of that stuff all over the place. But I do have to say that, yesterday afternoon, I went to go drop off my water bill at what we lovingly call here “City Hall” (a tiny store front), and I headed past our local gas station and my mouth fell open. Literally.
And it was snowing like crazy, too, with very high blizzard-like winds but the snow wasn’t sticking, or anything — it was just so weird outside. (This was shortly after the strangely unanticipated funeral procession drove past my kitchen window — see yesterday’s quick post). Anyway, everything just felt so weird. And then I saw that the price of gas had plummeted!! It is currently $1.83 a gallon. It is so cheap that it’s bizarre.
What’s even weirder, is that I usually go further out of town, into the middle of nowhere, to buy my gas because it’s almost always cheapest there. But, suddenly, right smack in the middle of Crazeysburg was the cheapest gas I’ve seen in 30 years. For no discernible reason whatsoever.
And we have our one little dollar store here, and it has plenty of toilet paper, and also food. All kinds of processed, packaged, and frozen food. Not the kind of food I buy, though (except for ice cream, in the event I need to ponder something). Still, we have food. I mean, don’t come visit or anything, because we don’t want you to clean us out. My point is only that we have all this stuff that the big cities and the nearest towns are all out of, and now we also have the cheapest gas I’ve ever seen — I really do think I’m living in the Land that Time Forgot.
Well, onward.
Yesterday, in the mail, I received a poetry book that I had ordered recently and it arrived signed by the poet. It was the best inscription I’d ever read. For some reason, she knows I’m a writer, which took me aback a little, but her inscription was mostly about best wishes for “seeing beauty amidst disaster.”
That, to me, could not have summed up all of life, and specifically my own life, more perfectly.
I’m looking forward to reading the book — it’s an award-winning chapbook. I will write more about it after I read it. I get the feeling that the poems are extremely intense (they’re about disaster, actually). I’m gonna find out.
I am also going to get that darn web site working today if it kills me. It is just insane, how much trouble I’m having. And it’s just tiny bits of trouble here & there, which accumulate into just a really frustrating headache. So we shall see. But I guarantee you that I have been building websites since 1997 — and those include many award-winning websites!! — and yet nowadays, these “user-friendly” and “easy-to-use” website templates are counter-intuitive, rarely do what I need them to do and they make me lose my mind.
New topic.
I had a brief text exchange yesterday with my sister, just to start the process of dipping my toe in that water of needing my birth mom to be here for extended periods when I have to be in LA. (My mom lives with my sister.) And my sister assured me she would make it happen.
So, between the two of us…
My poor mother — her fate is now sealed and she doesn’t even know. But to be fair, she really does like staying here. She gets all that privacy and gets to do stuff out in the garden, with my many flowers (mostly meaning: pulling the weeds that I tend to ignore now because pulling weeds would require that I leave my desk).
Which reminds me. I went into the guest room to water the plants this morning, and just look at this poinsettia!
This poinsettia is almost 5 years old.
Beautiful, right? Plus, there was a ladybug on the window, too! (Although I’m kind of starting to believe that these are just ladybugs, you know? Maybe not signs of anything more than unexpected life. Which of course, is a good sign.)
However, I digress.
But my point was that it takes so much off my mind, knowing that even if I have to be away for extended periods, my mom will be here, taking care of my house and my many cats.
Well, I’m gonna scoot. I want to get back in bed and read poems for awhile. Then gear up to face that web site again. I hope you have a really nice Sunday, wherever you are in this pandemic-driven world. Just do what you think is best, okay? And keep in mind that we’re never really gonna get it (life) right, you know? So just let it evolve into whatever it needs to be — life, love, best-laid-plans, etc. One thing I know for sure about all this stuff is that everything we think we understand is probably way off course and that everything always comes back around for another shot or a closing statement. And then we personally define whether that’s good or not so good. And then on we go. Right? All righty. I love you guys. See ya. And remember… (really nice version of this song if you’re willing to still listen to Michael Jackson.)