No — not the bears, and not the guy hollering that dinner is served.
I am, in fact, referring to this!! The no-frills, manual, inexpensive TREADMILL:
I put it together yesterday, after the all-important lube arrived.
Oh, and guess what? Once I unwrapped and untaped the flywheels, deep inside there was a little bottle of lube!! I didn’t need to wait a whole fucking week!
I guess it would have been nice if the instruction manual made it clear that there was a bottle of lube included, but that it was tucked away deep in the packaging, because I did, indeed search for it, but I had no clue I had to unwrap absolutely everything in order to find it…
Anyway. Water under the bridge now!! Because now I have just a ton of treadmill-belt lube in the house! Not likely to run out for a few years.
So. Yes. This harmless-looking treadmill kicked my butt yesterday. Because the slowest speed it goes is 3.2 miles an hour.
Now, in Olden Times, I could easily walk 3.2 miles in an hour (in NYC-speak, that’s about 50 blocks in an hour; very easy to do). But if you — like me — haven’t needed to walk anywhere in any sort of hurry since March 14th, suddenly going at a speed of 3.2 mph is actually quite a clip!!
Plus it was REALLY humid here yesterday and the temperature inside the house was 89 degrees Fahrenheit. So that made a sudden jaunt at 3.2 mph rather overwhelming.
HOWEVER!! I love this little thing. And it does fold up really easily, except that the handles do not fold down, so it ends up needing a lot of space, even when folded. But it does have a nice, battery-operated computer that tracks mileage, speed and time elapsed. Which is all I need. And since it’s manual, I don’t need to set it up anywhere near an electrical outlet. So I really love this thing. I’m planning on losing ten pounds on it later today…
Okay!!
Oh, here’s something astounding. Now there is a rabid anti-Trump Republican-PAC faction, trying to make Trump-hating waves in Ohio. Republicans. Well, Republicans “against COVID -19” so they hate Trump. (I think it might be wiser to aim that anger at China, but that’s just me…) (Oh, and are you seeing the random news items from all over the Western world that Wuhan lab technicians fled China and defected to the West? And that France, Britain and the FBI are, you know, I don’t know — gathering information from them? It will be really interesting to see if this is true.)
Okay!! This weekend on Bad Seed TeeVee, all those fan-made videos will be streaming nonstop. You should check it out when you can, because those videos people made are just so cool.
And a new contest was announced on the Nick Cave Instagram site this morning, where musicians can submit videos of themselves performing Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds songs and then the winners can be on Bad Seed TeeVee, too. Or perhaps just get autographed slides? I’m not actually clear on that…
But lots of interactive Nick Cave stuff going on this summer, gang.
You know, it was brought to my attention yesterday that one of my few remaining publishers would likely be willing to publish any/all of my upcoming books — erotic or not. And while it really cheered me considerably for a little while, the more I thought about it, the more it just made sense to publish all my own stuff from now on. (Part of that is wanting control over my cover design.)
But it did make me feel really good.
All righty. Well, I’m still contemplating that flash/memoir piece for submission to an upcoming anthology. I’m not 100% sure yet. But if I do write it or if I don’t, the next thing I can’t wait to settle back into is Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town. So here’s hoping I make a firm decision about that today.
Have a wonderful Friday, wherever you are in the world, okay? Thanks for visiting. I leave you with my late-night listening music from last night — in fact, I fell asleep while listening to this. Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, LIVE, singing a cover of the Bobby Womack song, “I’m In Love.” (1982, Wembley Arena, London England) Listen and, if at all possible, fall in love and enjoy. I love you guys. See ya.
Yesterday wound up being a not very good day for me, energy-wise.
Yes — even though it was Bastille Day and we should have been rejoicing over those 7 people who were liberated from the Bastille prison in Paris 300 years ago! My mood just kept tanking. I had to do battle with depression all day yesterday, yet again.
You know, I looked up some stuff about what raises serotonin levels, since I seem to have a sort of permanent problem with this lifelong depression. And it turns out that — yes! — my intensely boring diet is packed to the brim with everything that’s good for raising serotonin levels. Plus, I work out.
So.
Then I looked up the various things that lower serotonin levels, and I do none of those things.
But then I read that childhood abuse and trauma “is associated with low serotonin transporter binding in vivo in a major depressive disorder.”
Meaning: creating a permanent problem.
That was really cheery fucking news! But you know, I am one of those people that seriously hates being held captive by shit like this. So that, of course, kind of depressed me, too.
Then, since I clearly was not going to get a break from it all on my own after having been battling it all day and, come hell or high water, I wanted to get a good night’s sleep and be in a better place today, I took 1/18th of a piece of a Tylenol PM, and it helped me sleep great. However, I woke up to my usual happy coffee this morning, and the caffeine colliding with what was left of the diphenhydramine HCI (from the Tylenol PM) in my system, has given me the most amazing case of intensely overactive jittery nerves.
So, yes — everything’s going splendidly!! (And I’m now awaiting the huge amount of protein I just ate to kick in and combat the nerves…)
But this means that I got nothing productive accomplished yesterday. But, I’m not depressed today so I’m planning on having a much better day today.
I need to write up a synopsis for The Guitar Hero Goes Home, so that I can send the manuscript off to receive its — hopefully– stellar back cover blurbs, and then I want to start working on that flash/memoir piece for possible publication in an upcoming anthology. So I am very hopeful that today will be a really good day.
The Nick Cave web site sent out a note from Nick Cave today, about the upcoming Idiot Prayer: Nick Cave Alone at Alexandra Palace. It was quite cool! You can read it here. And, of course, buy tickets here (this is a streaming event through the DICE app. You don’t actually go anywhere except possibly to your kitchen to get snacks!!)
And on that promising note, I’m gonna scoot here, gang. Get this day underway. I hope you enjoy your Wednesday, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting!! I leave you with absolute utter silence today, only because I’ve been too depressed to listen to music. However, I feel confident that will change! All righty. I love you guys. See ya.
Right after I posted to the blog yesterday morning, I got into the car to drive into town and get the groceries. I stopped at the little ATM drive-thru at the edge of town there, but the ATM was temporarily out-of-service.
What I was able to do, though, was somehow gouge the fuck out of my rear tire. I drove about 1/8th of a mile from the ATM, when I heard something not at all pleasant coming from the back end of the car. I pulled over, got out, and lo & behold, a very flat tire.
So then I had to wait for roadside assistance to come change the tire. (Yes! I was a mere 5 minutes from my house…)
But here are some good things about that:
It was a gorgeous day!!
My phone service had been going in & out all morning, but after a feverish prayer to the god of cellphone service, on my second attempt to call roadside assistance, the phone came back on and stayed on the rest of the day
I don’t have to pay for roadside assistance, it comes with my Honda lease
Basically everyone who passed me on the road stopped and asked it I needed any help, which was so nice
I saw a bald eagle land in the field across from me, and then take off again, and those wings are incredibly HUGE. It was breathtaking!!
The guy from the roadside assistance came in 20 minutes!!
The guy was really nice!
My Honda comes with a great spare tire because it is brand-new
I drove straight to the town where the Honda dealership is once the tire was changed, before going to get the groceries, and they had the tire I needed, I could afford the tire I needed without having to put it on a credit card, and they were able to take me right away without an appointment
I hung out in the Honda waiting room and played around on Instagram until they finished changing my tire (behaving not as if I will be 60 next week, but as if I am still 12!!) (Yay!!)
Last but not least, this was my view while I waited for roadside assistance:
The view from my car while I waited for roadside assistance.
It was definitely not a bad day.
The only thing I sort of regret is that, by the time I was able to get to the grocery store, I was really hungry so I bought all kinds of cool stuff that I never buy!!
For instance: organic grilled veggie pizza that I will eat in its entirety all by myself; many assorted non-GMO, organic, salty, not-at-all-fat-free snacks; and high-protein, low-fat mint chocolate chip ice cream bars!!
And the entire time that I was putting all these no-no’s into my shopping cart (“no-no’s” only because I live alone so I will eat all of this stuff all by myself), I kept reminding myself not to worry; that I have a treadmill now!! (And all I need is for that special treadmill-belt-lube to arrive, so that I can feel motivated to actually assemble the treadmill and — you know — use it.)
So there we go!! A perfect day!! (And to be honest, it wasn’t until I opened the cupboard this morning to get out my non-GMO, organic flax & pumpkin seed granola (that fools my body into thinking it is not post-menopausal but is, in fact, way, way, way pre-menopausal), that I saw all those happy snacks awaiting me!! And I got super happy myself!!
Oh, and when I finally got back from town, that set of stoneware appetizer dishes all covered in flowers that I had ordered the other day, had arrived! And they are really pretty. (Of course, it’s sort of sad that I will never ever ever use them!!)
But, anyway — they’re mine.
All righty. So I got nothing done yesterday at my desk. However. Today, I want to do a straight read-thru of The Guitar Hero Goes Home, to see how it reads from start to finish now. (Plus, it looks like M. Christian and Ralph Greco, Jr. are willing to blurb it and/or review it!!!)
Then I am going to toy around with a short flash fiction/memoir type piece for submission to an upcoming anthology. Then, get back to work, finally, on Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town.
So that’s my day!! (First, I’m gonna finish the laundry, though. So, you can see –life is just super exciting!)
All righty. Another gorgeous day here in Crazeysburg. I am gonna get at it. I hope you have a terrific Tuesday, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting, gang. Today, I leave you with a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame video from 2012 — a tribute to George Harrison, that includes Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne in truly fine voice (two of the Traveling Wilbury’s, btw, which included George, Roy Orbison, and Bob Dylan); the tribute here also includes George’s son, Dhani. But hold out for Prince’s guitar solo, gang! It comes in at the 3:20 mark on the video and lasts about 3 minutes. It is truly an awesome guitar solo. Just so much love in it.
The whole piece is just really joyous! “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”
Okay, so listen and enjoy. And have a great day. I love you guys. See ya.
It is only July 13th and already a great big bunch of the birds around Muskingum County have begun migrating farther south.
I noticed two things over the weekend: One, that the cicadas have begun their noisy serenade in the evenings now. And, two: the birds no longer begin singing at 4:12am; they now begin at 5am, and there are lots fewer of them.
Then yesterday afternoon, I glanced out the window and noticed a huge flock of birds — they were flying too high and too fast for me to see what type of bird they were. Anyway — they were already flying south.
I just can’t believe how quickly my favorite time of year goes fleeting past — that time of year when hundreds of birds are singing like mad even before dawn, and my flowers are blooming, and the hot weather has truly arrived, along with the fireflies, and all 21 of my windows are wide open and stay open — all day, all night.
There’s maybe one month when all of that is happening right at the same time, and then the birds are the first to start moving along. By the end of August (just a few weeks away, really), it’s mostly the songs of crickets and cicadas that fill the air, and hardly any birds anymore.
The birds begin arriving in early April, so they’ve been here 3 months already, but still — it’s that moment when everything comes together at the same time. My favorite time. And that just flies by so quickly.
Well, I don’t want to get you depressed or anything. It’s just a melancholy sort of feeling for me. I wait all year for something that amounts to maybe one month and then it moves on.
However, the morning glories outside of my backdoor are just now starting to bloom — meaning, maybe 5 or 6 blossoms are out, but soon there will be dozens and dozens of them every morning. And my gorgeous hydrangea, off of my kitchen porch, is getting ready to burst into bloom now, too, so that will be wonderful and will last into late September.
Okay. Well, yesterday I did indeed finally finish the final edits on The Guitar Hero Goes Home. This is the third or fourth “final” edit but I honestly believe this is THE final edit, and I’m awaiting word from Valerie about when she will be able to focus on finishing up the cover design and then it will finally be published.
I’m trying to figure out what I want the name of my publishing company to be this time. (My last one was the EAA Signature Series, and it was hugely unpopular with the Federal Government, specifically, the US Attorney General, John Ashcroft. I’m aiming for a publishing company that will be less inflammatory this time around. The older I get, the less time I feel I have for going to prison.)
I’m not sure if I will publish other writers this time, or not. I am just going to wait and see what the future brings. Between the seemingly unending COVID 19 pandemic and the pandemic of the excruciatingly politically correct Socialist/Anarchist United States of Hitler Youth, I might want to just tend to my own little garden of words and leave it at that.
But we’ll see. If sanity somehow ends up reigning, I might be willing to leave my own backyard.
Today is my day to tootle off to the next town to do the grocery shopping. So I’m gonna get moving here.
Don’t forget, gang, that next week, on Thursday July 23rd, Nick Cave has that solo concert streaming on DICE: Idiot Prayer: Nick Cave Alone at Alexandra Palace. All details re: time zones and purchasing of tickets can be found on his web site here.
Okay! I hope you have a great Monday, wherever you are in the world. Thanks for visiting! I’m leaving you with this promotional video just released today for Nick Cave’s upcoming concert. (I have no clue why he chose to perform in such a hideously ugly venue — JUST KIDDING. It’s gorgeous!!) All righty!! Enjoy!! I love you guys. See ya.
And even though I was still getting some great work done on the editing of The Guitar Hero Goes Home, it was rather tortuous, sitting here at my desk for hours on end, day after day, in the relentless heat .
For some reason, I suffer from heat exhaustion more often than other people seem to. Which can then make any kind of functioning, let alone editing, just impossible. Yesterday afternoon, after about 6 or 7 days of relentless heat, I finally succumbed to heat exhaustion.
However!! Right around that time, a huge storm blew in and the temperatures finally plummeted! And I drank a ton of water and tried to force myself to eat something salty (heat exhaustion is accompanied by nausea so its not easy to eat anything), and I collapsed in bed for a while as the rain poured down, which gave me the perfect opportunity to watch more of those really cool fan-videos on Bad Seed TeeVee!! And, eventually, I was able to actually eat real food, and then I got back to work on the editing.
And minus all the heat (and the exhaustion) that’s what I’m going to do again today — final edits of The Guitar Hero Goes Home. Hopefully, I’ll even finish it today!! Even though Valerie’s not ready to get back to work yet on the cover design, I really want to at least sign-off on the manuscript so that I can get back to working on the new novel (Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town).
I see Thug as my sort of swan song. Obviously, I want to complete both memoirs — Girl in the Night and In the Shadow of Narcissa — and also do re-edits and trade paper POD publications of The Muse Revisited Collection and Twilight of the Immortal — all of that stuff is really important to me. But in terms of writing another novel, what Freak Parade was to me in my 40s, Thug Luckless is to me in my (rapidly approaching) 60s.
I’m guessing it’ll take a couple years to get Thug Luckless written and then ready to publish. And especially if the world ever really gets over the pandemic and then I have the theater projects and the film projects going full speed ahead, I will most definitely be into my 60s.
And since everyone is assuring me already that in a heartbeat I will be elderly… maybe Thug will be my last novel. I’m going to approach it as such, just in case.
Speaking of Abstract Absurdity Productions (I sort of was), I am taking yet another webinar — this one on financing small budget films (under €1 million) (euros) and earning a profit for them in the European marketplace. Even though our line producer is European and understands how to do all that already, I still want to understand it myself.
I figure, I have nothing better to do, so why not sit at my desk endlessly and take one hundred and seven million more webinars on film budgeting & finance??
I know!! But don’t get so jealous — my life is nowhere near as glamorous as you might think!!!
Okay!!
I’m outta here. Have a really great Saturday, wherever you are in the world. And let’s all pause for a moment of silence and pray for that goddamned vaccine already. I, personally, am starting to tunnel vision toward the end. I am so disgusted by so much of America’s younger generation (and everything I fought for for decades — meaning: learn how to think for yourself and don’t be a slave to any sort of pedagogue):
“Given how our schools teach American history and what is contained in our mainstream media and culture, it is not surprising that young people buy into this rejection of history. The story of America’s racist past is just so simplified, so compelling in its portrayal of good vs. evil, that it has been adopted as the story of America’s racist present…” –from Denying Progress is Key to the Left’s Rhetoric by Robert Doar
that I can’t even imagine America ever being back on its feet in any meaningful way (for me) ever again, so all I can focus on is getting my writing done, feeding the cats, then going off to the next big adventure (and perhaps hang out with George Harrison and just sing for awhile!!). But a vaccine could at least help things seem a little promising.
Let’s hope.
(However, when they toppled the Frederick Douglass statue, and the mind-boggling, foot-shooting idiocy of that, I began to finally believe that there was really no hope. And, you know, even though a whole lot of Germans finally overcame the years of the Hitler Youth, that’s not my idea of an acceptable way to spend the next 10 or 15 years.)
Anyway. On we go.
So, I leave you with a non-Nina Simone version of “My Sweet Lord” today, because that’s what I was playing at breakfast this morning (when Henrietta stopped by to visit again!!!). Enjoy and have just a great day, okay? Thanks for visiting, gang. I love you guys. See ya.
I’m not really going to post a true post today, gang — I am trying to finish editing The Guitar Hero Goes Home because I want to get down to work again on the new novel (Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town).
I just wanted to remind everybody that today, on Bad Seed TeeVee, they are beginning to stream the original videos that fans submitted! So don’t forget to check it out!!!
Also, Nick Cave sent out a Red Hand Files thing today about Nina Simone singing “My Sweet Lord” in her effort to protest the Vietnam War back in 1972, which was very powerful. You can check it out at that link!
Oh, and my treadmill arrived this morning at 7am! However, they neglected to mention ahead of time that I can’t use it without lubricating the belt first. And I don’t even want to tell you how many various brands of lube live in this house, none of which can be used on the belt of a treadmill!!!!!!
So, next fucking week, the proper lube will arrive. Meanwhile, the treadmill is in my kitchen…
Have a really nice Friday, gang, wherever you are in the world! Sorry for being so brief today, but thanks for visiting. I love you guys. See ya!!
Yes — if you must know — I bought more dishes yesterday. A set of four stoneware appetizer plates that look like this:
I know. Don’t look at me like that. I am fully aware that I never, ever, ever entertain anymore, and that I already have something like 25 appetizer plates, most of them porcelain, Limoges. Some that look exactly like this:
And others that have charming depictions of Provence on them. Still others that have just various French farm logos and windmills and cows and cocksroosters and stuff. And, yes, I have some covered in flowers, but none that look exactly like the ones covered in flowers that I bought yesterday! So you can readily see why I needed them.
I’ve already stated plainly — right here on this blog — that it is an addiction, this problem I have with buying dishes. And an addiction is sort of like a disease. So, you know, some compassion would probably be cool right now…
But, honestly, they were reduced for clearance. And I loved them. And I had to have them. And so I bought them. And, no, I can’t imagine a moment in time when I will ever use them at this point, because I live in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of cats, and perhaps, soon, a bunch of AI sex robots that look like Henry (probably around 30 of them) (and, actually, in that case, I will have almost enough appetizer plates!):
See some previous post about the insane budget proposal for shooting “Lita’s Got To Go!” and how, for the same amount of money, I could purchase 30 top-of-the-line Henry’s from Realbotix.
Anyway.
Yesterday, I also bought — yes — a treadmill.
(This is where the title of today’s post likely comes from!!)
I am just so tired of it. While I had the virus, I gained 10 pounds. Once the virus was gone, and I could get out of bed for more then 2 minutes a day, I lost 8 of those 10 pounds immediately. However, even though I always eat exactly the very same organic vegetarian non-GMO boring things every single darn day — I put all the weight back on!!
So I started to do the aerobics, which helps, but its nowhere near as effective as seriously moving around every day, which I haven’t really done since the quarantine started here in mid-March. And even though the glucosamine supplements seem to have fixed the problem with my hip joint, I’m still really squeamish about walking too far from home and then maybe having the hip problem start again and have to walk all the way back in all that awful pain.
I love treadmills. And, in fact, in the days when I was always at the country club (I know!! I’m absolutely white!! But, hey, that’s where I met Gus Van Sant Sr and my whole life changed!!). Anyway, I was always on the treadmill at the club. I just love those things. So yesterday, I decided to get one of those really inexpensive ones, that, unlike Henry, has no bells or whistles, and folds up for storage. This way, if I do have any pain in my hip joint, I can just get off the treadmill, sit down at the kitchen table and stream something really delightful on the iPad!!
Which is sort of a way of saying that I am still loving that Belgian crime procedural, Professor T. Jesus, what a fun show. I am almost done with the available episodes. There was still one more season that was made (Season 3), which I’m guessing PBS will add to the stream next summer. (Currently you can stream Seasons 1 &2)
And that reminds me that the new season of Endeavor begins in August!! I had read it wouldn’t air until June of 2021, but this was erroneous information. It will actually air next month and I can’t wait. It is truly one of my very favorite shows.
But, regarding the treadmill — we’ll see how it goes. I was a little leery of buying any more workout equipment because it’s always so hard to get rid of it when you don’t want it anymore. (In the past, I’ve had a rowing machine and a stationary bike.) But I am so fed up with this COVID 19-related metabolism thing. It clearly looks as if it will be 2021 before I will really be able to go anywhere and do anything. And I had to do something. I absolutely cannot stand to put on weight. It makes me insane.
(Which reminds me, the director of Tell My Bones and I are considering putting together some sort of staged reading of the play, but in very short, edited segments and using local professional talent — of which there is actually quite a lot out here; there’s a lot of professional theater in the next town over, where the director has his summer mansion-on-the-hill, and certainly a ton in Columbus. However, we have to wait for the lockdown to be truly over in order to even think about that.)
Then the other thing I did yesterday, was: I deleted TikTok from my phone. I had been hearing that India banned TikTok and, honestly, I had no idea why and I kept meaning to investigate that, but for some reason I thought it was related to the many many many scantily clad young men doing all those amazingly provocative dances.
It turns out, it was more sinister than that. When I saw that Australia was getting ready to ban TikTok, as well, I saw a new piece on the BBC about it and was kind of stunned. China is just really off the charts. (China freely monitors you and tracks your data through the TikTok app.) So, just to make it a non-issue, I deleted the app.
It was a fun app, but honestly, I spend way more than enough time scrolling through Instagram!!! It’s kind of gotten ridiculous during this pandemic — the amount of time I spend on Instagram.
What’s ironic, though, is that scrolling through all those little TikTok videos really helped me pass the time while I recovered from the fucking virus — also a gift from China…. (And I am still so enraged about them forcing those Uyhgur women to have their heads shaved and then trying to sell us their hair!! If anyone ever shaved the hair off of my head, even if I weren’t forced into an internment camp while they were doing it, I would feel so demoralized. )
Oh, crap. Anyway.
Well, I did do some editing on The Guitar Hero Goes Home yesterday, but as I leaped back in to editing Chapter 7, it became apparent that too many weeks had gone by since I had begun the final edit on the novel and that it’s probably a good idea just to go back to page 1 and do a final final edit. I had sort of lost the momentum of the voice – if that makes sense. And since the entire novel is just one man talking, staying on track with that voice is key. So I’m going back to page 1 today.
Sample of the cover art but this is not finished
And while sorting through the mound of papers on the floor next to my desk (underneath the always-growing mound of photos of Nick Cave that I print off of the computer and put on the floor next to my desk), as I was searching through that for the newest edits of The Guitar Hero Goes Home, what to my wondering eyes should appear but — yes — the new pages of Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town!! I had totally forgotten, for a moment, anyway, that I was one-third of the way in to writing a completely new novel.
So. On we go — right, gang??
And on that note, I guess I better scoot!! I hope you are having a great Wednesday, wherever you are in the world!! I leave you with another old song from my wee bonny teenage girlhood.
I recently began following Stephen Bishop on Instagram, and was, of course, reminded of this amazingly lovely sad poignant song of his from when I was 16. (Talk about a perfect song for a melancholy 16-year-old girlhood!!) If you’re too young to know this song, it is really lovely — all about heartache (with which I have yet again been struggling here). So listen and enjoy — or cry or whatever suits you!! Thanks for visiting, gang. I love you guys. See ya.
“On And On”
Down in Jamaica, they got lots of pretty women
Steal your money, then they break your heart
Lonesome Sue, she’s in love with old Sam
Take him from the fire into the frying pan
On and on, she just keeps on trying
And she smiles when she feels like crying
On and on, on and on, on and on
Poor old Jimmy sits alone in the moonlight
Saw his woman kiss another man
So he takes a ladder, steals the stars from the sky
Puts on Sinatra and starts to cry
On and on, he just keeps on trying
And he smiles when he feels like crying
On and on, on and on, on and on
When the first time is the last time
It can make you feel so bad
But if you know it, show it
Hold on tight, don’t let her say goodnight
Got the sun on my shoulders and my toes in the sand
Woman’s left me for some other man
Aw, but I don’t care, I’ll just dream and stay tanned
Toss up my heart and see where it lands
On and on, I just keep on trying
And I smile when I feel like dying
On and on, on and on, on and on
On and on, on and on, on and on
On and on, on and on, on and on
I’m guessing the full moon had a lot to do with it. And I had awoken in such a great mood yesterday, but then it was all down hill after that.
I’m not the type of writer who posts negative criticism of the work of other writers. If someone comes to me and wants my honest opinion as an editor, or if I’m teaching a student or something like that, I’m always honest about what I really think. And I try to be as helpful about it as I can be. But if it’s just my opinion on another writer’s work and it’s negative, then it’s just my opinion and I keep it to myself.
I will say, though, that when I expect amazing work out of a writer because I want to feel that thrill you get when someone’s work really inspires you, really moves you, and even makes you want to live a better life — and then you get the opposite. It is so disappointing to me, gang. It’s like waking up on Christmas morning and not only do you have no presents waiting for you, but someone stole your tree during the night, too. Just amazing disappointment for me.
Especially when writers just want to give you their anger about life, without sublimating it somehow.
I have plenty of reasons to be angry about my own life, but finding the underlying reasons to still be joyful is what sublimates my whole approach to staying alive. Leaving that part out, in my opinion, makes art meaningless to people who aren’t you — meaning, the readers.
By the end of the day yesterday, I was so disgusted with everything and was really having a lot of questions about my own work, that I couldn’t write anything new.
So I gave up and went downstairs and then I streamed the Joker movie (2019) on Amazon, because, oddly enough, that movie calms me down. Even while it’s nothing at all like Heath Ledger’s Joker in The Dark Knight (2008), which was just a phenomenal film, there’s something about this new Joker that actually feels like real life to me.
I don’t want to end up killing people. I honestly don’t. And I really don’t see it happening if I haven’t resorted to killing people by now, you know? But I totally relate to what it feels like to have pain upon pain upon pain just heaped on to you, for years; and struggling with mental illness on top of it — and then that’s supposed to be your “life.” And then, after running around helplessly in that dead-end maze, you come to a horrific understanding about your mother, on top of it all.
People can suck big time, without ever having a clue how hard you keep trying — or even just keep trying hard to smile, right?
Totally the Joker.
I try to work my issues out with people by being a writer, obviously. (And by living as far away from humanity as I can possibly get these days, and only “showing up” in the world when I feel completely ready for it.) But there’s something really psychologically comforting to me when Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker takes a whole other approach. And I also love that so much of society ends up being on his side, too. And helping him, even when it’s by accident.
I also love how much he fucking smokes in that movie. Jesus. One of these days, I am just going to have to start smoking again. The only reason I don’t like to smoke anymore is because it makes my heart race now and makes me feel like shit the following morning. I never actually had a smoking habit. I smoked when I wanted to and that was it. Nowadays, I want to smoke constantly, but I just don’t want to have the awful feeling in the morning.
Well, anyway. So I streamed Joker last evening down at my kitchen table and loved every moment of it (including every moment of Frank Sinatra singing Sondhiem’s “Send in the Clowns” as the closing credits rolled). But then the moment it was all over, I was still left with having had just a lousy day.
That feeling, like: What am I doing any of this for? What the fuck is the reason for all of this? Who am I, anyway? I just can’t figure anything the fuck OUT.
And that’s, unfortunately, the frame of mind I had when I went to sleep.
And today, I awoke in a not so good mood — at all — however, I’m hoping the reverse of yesterday might occur!! And that a not so good morning will lead to a day that just gets better and better as it unfolds.
It’s quite sunny today, but it got really super cold here. In fact, I got up during the night and put the flannel nighshirt over top of my pajamas. I was absolutely freezing, even with the heat on and two blankets still on the bed.
And now that the virus seems to have completely left me, I’m back to not needing very much sleep at night. So that’s good, and it gives me more energy so I hope the brain just shifts into high gear today, and I can get some good work done on Thug Luckless. (And maybe take up smoking again.)
All righty. Well. I hope today is good to you, wherever you are in the world. And I hope the full moon hasn’t been vexing you the way it’s been vexing me around here. Thanks for visiting, gang. My breakfast-listening music today was once again “Time Out” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet, which I posted here recently. So I think I’ll just post the true musical high point from Joker (I won’t include spoilers of what’s happening on the screen) — when Frank Sinatra is singing “That’s Life.” Lyrics are in the video.
Enjoy, gang. But don’t shoot anyone, okay? Try to figure out a better way of looking at everything — and if nothing else works, just call me. We’ll figure something out! Okay. I love you guys. See ya!!
You know how I can never figure out how to save other people’s Instagram photos to my own private photos on my phone?
Well, of all the photos I have absolutely loved over the last couple years, and couldn’t save, yesterday I accidentally managed to save this one!! And while I do love it, and consider it a motto to live by, I’m not sure I actually need it on my phone. How on earth did I do it? (And can I repeat it? — is the most important question!!)
I so fucking LOVE this. The best 17 words ever. This saves me from having to actually write my memoirs…
Okay! On a similar happy note… I got great writing done yesterday on Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town. I am really happy with the tone of it and with where it’s heading. I am still only on Chapter One because I am totally re-writing what I had originally written last fall, or whenever it was that I began writing this novel. But it’s like night & day — the difference in the tone of it.
Other good news — the mourning dove eggs have hatched! There are now little chirping baby mourning doves, in the nest that’s in the rafters of the roof overhanging my front porch. And one heck of a busy mom, darting back & forth, and back & forth, all day long, trying to keep them fed.
It’s a rainy day here today. But, of course, I’m not planning on going anywhere. This afternoon, online, is that fundraiser for Marcus Books in Oakland, CA. (Noon, Pacific Time/ 3pm Eastern Time.) A live poetry reading. (If you want to attend it, the details are here. They ask you to purchase a ticket, at whatever you can afford, because it is, of course, a fundraiser.)
I also have a couple of private invites to watch some short subject films premiering online today. So I’ll do that, too. But other than that, I’m just going to work on the new novel. And probably do yoga.
Bob Dylan dropped another new song yesterday. This one titled “False Prophet.” And they announced that his new album is coming this summer, titled Rough and Rowdy Ways. It is available for pre-order wherever you get your music from.
I like “False Prophet” but so far, I have only listened to it one time and, once again, while I was doing something else. So I wasn’t really listening that closely to the words. I’m not really sure what it’s about yet. But I loved the feel of it — blues. And the sound of his voice.
Okay, so I just went into my storage closet to find a Neo/Matrix McFarlane action figure from 1999, and instead I found my collection of Olympia Press Paris first editions (!!!) that Richard Kasak had given to me as a gift a couple of decades ago. (Gift meaning, absolutely FREE.)
They are all first edition Olympia Press Paris titles, but a couple are also actually first editions that ever appeared in print, anywhere — and, at the time of publication, were still illegal in the US and the UK. Including:
1959, and 1961
Isn’t that amazing?? Kasak was in publishing for so many decades — starting at Grove Press — that he didn’t even care about most of what he had anymore. Obviously, he knew what Maurice Girodias and the Olympia Press meant to me and one day he just gave me all of those books. I think there are about 10 titles in the collection. And none of them have ever been read.
Well, that was an unexpected little digression!
Okay. I guess I’d better get started here today, gang. I hope you have a nice Friday, wherever you are in the world. I leave you with my breakfast-listening music from today. I think I posted it here once before, a few months ago. “Something’s Gotten Hold of My Heart,” from the Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds cover album, Kicking Against the Pricks (1986). (Oh my god, 700 million people keep texting me. I am so serious. I really gotta close this and get to work here.) Okay, gang. Enjoy!! And thanks for visiting. I love you guys. See ya!!
I said I would be back here to post again yesterday but I lied.
But I’m here now, so let’s just move on! All righty??!!
Well, the sad news first: Today is that dreaded day that comes once every 3 months, when I have to go down into my super scary, 119-year-old unfinished basement and change the filter in my furnace.
I can’t tell you how much I don’t look forward to doing that. Even though, once I’m down there, it’s never as bad in reality as it is in my imagination. It’s just that forcing myself to go down those stairs at all is the really hard part.
Well, okay. Just had to stop and have a phone chat with the director of Tell My Bones. I was going to post here today about how happy I am with how the plans for the Zoom staged reading of the play are progressing!! So I will just go ahead and say that right now:
I’m really happy with how the plans for the Zoom staged reading of the play are progressing!!
I really am, gang. I am getting so excited. Even though it’s not the whole play, and all the music is being taken out to simplify the reading, you will still be able to get a good feel for the overall play. Plus, I personally can’t wait to start hearing actual people reciting the dialogue, you know??
Between the four years it’s taken me to adapt this play from the film script version, and then the few years that I was focused just on the film script version — that’s a long time to have this story in my head and never hear a single other soul speaking a single one of these lines of dialogue. So I am getting really excited.
The other good news, of course, is that they finished putting the new roof on my barn yesterday. And I am so happy, gang!! Unfortunately, the back alley and one segment of Basin Street are now littered with the bodies of neighbors who died from heart attacks yesterday afternoon because they didn’t think I was ever gonna fix that roof, but oh well. That’s the trade-off, I guess.
Of course, I jest! No one died. But I did indeed notice people noticing it, that’s for sure. So it is a huge relief for me to finally have that barn looking more presentable. It still needs re-painting, but the worst part of it is now over.
And not only am I starting to make some interesting progress on the new novel, Thug Luckless: Welcome to P-Town, that is making me feel really happy, but I am also coming into a new relationship with Blessed By Light, which is now indeed going to be officially titled The Guitar Hero Goes Home. (So, as of today, I will no longer be calling that novel by its old title, okay? Hopefully, it will not be too confusing.)
It’s really interesting how, having the virus completely gone now, is making my brain work again.
Valerie in Brooklyn sent me a link during the night to an article in a NYC newspaper, where they interviewed people who had recovered from the virus to find out what the virus had felt like. It is the darnedest thing — how differently it affected different people. But there were two people interviewed who had the exact same experiences that I had: mainly, the weight of an anvil on the lungs, inability to breathe, overwhelming fatigue, and inability to think straight. (I also had the loss of the senses of taste & smell.)
Anyway. It just feels so great to be back to normal. And also to be able to work out again. Yoga especially feels so good now.
All right, well, the day before yesterday, Nick Cave sent out another Red Hand Files letter. It was one of the sadder ones, where he replies to people who are struggling with the deaths of their own children and he talks about how he and his wife continue to manage their grief over the death of one of their sons. You can read what he says at the link there. It’s enlightening.
Well, it’s another beautiful day here, but a little chilly. I did make a quick trip into town yesterday to buy more groceries and — YES — to buy yard waste bags in order to start raking up all those dead leaves outside my backdoor. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll do it today or not, only because it’s cold out. Not because I’m (still !!!) being incredibly lazy.
I did notice, on the trip to town and back, that traffic is back to normal now around here. A lot of Ohio is coming out of lockdown, though not all of it. (And you still have to wear a mask pretty much anywhere you go.) But there was plenty of traffic. It’s no longer a ghost town anymore. And the gas prices are inching upwards. It felt good to see that. Although in the county where my dad lives, they are getting new confirmed cases of the virus every day. So the more populated urban areas of the State are still having issues. But it was good to see that for a lot of us, we are now entering that light at the end of the tunnel. For now.
Okay, I’m gonna close this because I want to get started on some writing and editing here today. I leave you with three options. My music-listening from last evening — an old song by Shaggy from 20 years ago (!!) that they play on TikTok constantly and the chorus always just cracks me up. Talk about infidelity, right? “It Wasn’t Me” (2000, from his album Hot Shot): “But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)/ Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me)/ I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me)/ She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me)…” 😂
And then this morning, my breakfast-listening music was from an upcoming new album by Joshua Redman, Brad Mehldau, Christian McBride, and Brian Blade: Round Again. The song is “Right Back Round Again.”
And then this one will give you sort of an idea of what some of the music to Tell My Bones will eventually sound like!! This is a vintage recording from Smithsonian Folkways Records of Ella Jenkins and the Goodwill Spiritual Choir of the Monumental Baptist Church!
All righty. Thanks for visiting, gang. Have a great Thursday, wherever you are in the world. Enjoy that Super Flower Moon in Scorpio tonight!! Assuming you live with someone you don’t have to stay 6 feet away from, this is supposed to be a very, very sexy full moon, so enjoy those vibes! (Since I live alone and dearly love myself, perhaps tonight I will, I don’t know, take up smoking cigarettes again!! Yay!) (Remember that old joke about cigarettes and sex? HE: “Do you smoke after you do it? “ SHE: “I don’t know, I never looked.”)
Okay, on that happy note. I’m outta here. I love you guys. See ya!
I put it together yesterday, after the all-important lube arrived.
Marilyn's Room 